An inconvenient truth
by Apfelkuche
Summary: The true story of Severus Snape; How he came to Hogwarts, how he fell in love with James Potter, and how everything went completely wrong.
1. Chapter 1

_**July **__**3, **__**1971**_

Severus opened his eyes as soon as he heard the low thud of papers that landed on the doormat.

His heart began to beat hard, he quickly flew out of bed and ran out of his room into the living room. Inside the door was the small pile of letters.

Severus picked them up in his hand and began to read carefully to whom they were addressed.

After having gone through the letters he sighed and laid them on the table in the living room. Nothing was to him. He sighed again and went back to his room.

He sat on the bed and clasped his hands in his lap. The recent weeks he had only been waiting for the letter. The letter that would come with an invitation to start study at Hogwarts. But it had not occurred.

He was worried, what if it would not come at all. What if he was to be a muggle forever?

Actually, he knew it could not be like that, he had shown signs of being a magician before he could even speak, at least that was what his mother had told him.

And in recent years he had been looking up her old school books and read about magic, he had even managed to perform some incantations.

No, Severus was sure he was not a muggle, like his father. Severus threw an angry glance at the wall, he knew that on the other side slept his mother and father, Eileen and Tobias.

Tobias was a muggle, he did not know anything about magic, and he never wanted to talk about it. Certainly he hoped that Severus would not get the letter.

Severus kicked angrily at one of the legs of his desk chair, the dark wood collapsed straight away and the chair fell apart with a crash.

Severus listened intently for voices, but heard none, Eileen and Tobias had not woken up by the bang.

Black-eyed, he stared at the broken chair. If he did not receive the letter, if he had not been accepted at Hogwarts, he would run away. He refused to go back to the muggle school after the summer break.

Everyone in the entire school seemed to hate him, he could not go anywhere without being bullied or hear taunts.

Or by the way, he was not hated by everyone. Lily Evans did not hate him. She was a witch, Severus had seen it two years ago and told her, since that day, she had been his best friend, his only friend.

She was kind, he could not deny that, he liked Lily Evans, but she was popular in school, everyone liked her and she was always surrounded by friends.

Severus did not like crowds, he got nervous and dared not to speak. That everyone looked askance at him every time he exchanged a word with Lily was also a contributing factor to that, he tried to keep to himself.

But when him and Lily were alone he talked, then he could sit for hours and just talk, about completely unnecessary things, Lily always listened, he reminded her constantly about his brooding over the letter from Hogwarts which never seemed to come.

She did not seem as concerned about it, maybe she was not even expecting it to come.

Severus lay down on the bed and looked up in the dark wooden ceiling where patches of old moisture damages penetrated.

_If__I__run__away__I__will__ask__Lily__if__she__wants__to__come__with__me_. He was unsure what she would say, she did not like this place what it seemed.

But her family on the other hand, she would never run away from her parents or her sister, they loved her far more than Severus' parents would ever love him, he had noticed. He had visited them a few times, Lily's parents were nice to him, though he looked strange with his yellowish pale skin and the hooked nose, which was completely disproportionate and too big for his thin body.

No, Mr. and Mrs. Evans were kind-hearted people, and Lily could never run away from them.

Severus blew away a black strip of greasy hair that had fallen down in his face. What if he was accepted to Hogwarts, but Lily was not, then he would be forced to leave her anyway, they would not see each other on the entire school year.

It was a sad thought, but perhaps he would find a new friend at Hogwarts. The idea warmed him inside, Eileen had told him how good everything was at Hogwarts, how nice everyone was.

No nasty muggle children would bully him there. Maybe he would find a lot of new friends, magician friends.

Severus smiled. Then he remembered that the letter had not come today either. His smile died abruptly.

He stood up and got dressed. A pair of red trousers which were far too big, they had belonged to Tobias and had patches on both knees, and a yellow, dirty t-shirt.

It was Saturday, the time was close to half past six in the morning. Eileen and Tobias would not wake up for a couple of hours, Severus was wide awake, he decided to go outside.

The sun was shining outside, it burned against his black hair.

Severus went along with the Spinners End down to the village. He did not know where he was going. His feet would probably lead him to Lily's house, but it was unlikely that she was up at this time.

Everything was empty, the market would be open in about an hour, but for now everything was quiet. The whole village was asleep. _Muggles._ Severus thought angrily and kicked a stone, it flew off until it bumped against a blue, shiny shoe.

Severus looked up in surprise, and saw the face of the girl who stood before him.

"Snape", said Petunia Evans and looked condescendingly at him.

"Petunia", Severus nodded in response, in an equally uninterested tone as Petunia. "Do you know where Lily is?" Petunia looked like she knew but would not say just to annoy him.

"She left ten minutes ago, she's going to see David Fletcher, her boyfriend." She sneered to Severus at the last word. Severus, who was a head shorter than Petunia saw her gigantic front teeth protrude down below the upper lip as if she was a horse.

"Okay", replied Severus and passed Petunia. She probably thought that Severus was in love with Lily, and wanted to make him jealous of that David Fletcher, whoever he was.

There were more people who thought that Severus was in love with Lily, the whole school pretty much.

But Severus had never been in love with Lily, he had never been in love with anyone, and he did not think he would ever fall in love. It just seemed strange.

The other boys in school did never socialise with the girls and the girls stayed away from the boys, until they started dating of course. Every day there were a few new ones who were going out, it had begun in the recent years. Severus doubted that they were in love, it was just a trend that would end soon.

Severus was so deeply absorbed in his thoughts that he did not see the red-haired girl came running towards him until she had come up to him and thrown her arms around him.

"Severus", she said happily as she pulled herself away from their embrace. "I didn't think you would be out at this time."

"No, me neither", Severus began. "You, I mean." Lily laughed and pulled her hand through her hair. Her face was full of freckles and her eyes shone warm green.

"Shall we go?" Lily asked, pointing at the playground, which was on the other side of the road. Severus nodded.

They sat down on two swings next to each other. Soon Petunia came walking along the road. She pursed her mouth when she saw that they were sitting together, but said nothing and passed.

"So you are going out with David Fletcher?" Asked Severus.

"No, I'm certainly not", said Lily, and sounded both angry and surprised. "Did Petunia tell you that?"

"Mm."

"I'm not", said Lily "But he listens to The Kinks, and you should see all his vinyl records!" Her eyes widened and she stretched out her hands as if to show something gigantic. "He has an entire bookcase full, I wish I had so many."

Severus nodded and smiled, Lily always waved her arms excessive when she got excited. He liked it.

"But he is good looking, right?" Asked Severus and grinned at Lily.

"I guess he is, at least all the other girls at school think so," said Lily, and shrugged.

"But what do you think?"

"I don't know", began Lily and swinged a bit back and forth. "I don't think I've ever been in love, and I don't know if I will ever fall in love either." Severus could not help but smile.

"I understand what you mean."

"Do you want to mix blood?" Lily asked suddenly, stopping the swing. Her eyes shone with exaltation and her white teeth showed in her broad smile.

"Mix blood?" Asked Severus.

"And promise that we will never fall in love? Like a promise, we must never break."

"It is enough if we just promise it, isn't it?"

"Are you scared, Sev?" She asked, and grinned teasingly.

"No."

"Okay, then let's mix."

"But ..."

"Then you're scared."

"Okay then, let's mix blood." Lily's smile grew wider. She pulled out a hairpin from her hair and bit on it.

"It is quite sharp, it should work." Without hesitation she pressed the hairpin into her left thumb. A drop of dark red blood was pushed up through the skin, and it soon began to flow in a path down her thumb.

"Your turn", she handed the hairpin to Severus. He took it and looked doubtfully at it for a few seconds. Then he pressed it into his thumb. He had to push hard, it was painful, but he had to do it, he did not want Lily to think that he was a coward.

Eventually he got out a drop of blood. Lilys thumb was now covered with blood. They pressed his thumbs against each other.

"Now we enter a promise to never ever fall in love, the one who breaks this promise, we will ... Beat… Hard!" Severus began to laugh during Lily's improvised speech. She kicked him on his shin bone.

"Hush, these are important things we're doing, you can't laugh!"

"No, sorry."

"So, will you, Severus Snape, keep this promise, and beat the one who breaks it?"

"I'm not going to beat you if you break it", said Severus surprised. "And I'll definitely not beat myself if I break it."

"But stop ruining the moment!"

"Okay, Okay, yes, I promise."

"Good," said Lily happily and looked at her bleeding thumb, the blood was still flowing from the wound. Severus blood had already started to clot.

He bent down and tore off a piece of his yellow t-shirt, then he wrapped the piece of cloth tightly around Lily's thumb.

"Just like a war injury", said Lily proudly and looked at her bandaged hand.

Severus nodded and smiled. He thought that if he would ever fall in love with a girl, it would be with someone like Lily.

One week later, Severus woke up to find Eileen sitting on the edge of his bed and leaned over him.

"Severus, wake up", he opened his eyes and looked around, Eileen smiled broadly and her eyes shone.

"What?" Asked Severus.

"You've got mail", said Eileen, and held out an envelope.

Severus sat straight up in bed and took the envelope. His fingers quivered expectantly when he read his name. He looked up at Eileen who smiled and nodded.

"Open it." Severus opened the envelope and pulled gently out the parchment paper inside. It was it, it was the letter from Hogwarts.

"Hogwarts", Severus whispered. "I'm going to Hogwarts", he could feel the corners of his mouth draw up towards his ears, he threw his arms around Eileen and she hugged him back.

"I told you it would come", said Eileen. "You're a wizard, Severus." Severus did not say anything, he could just continue to smile wider than he had ever done before. Suddenly he saw Tobias in the doorway. He looked grim.

"Dad", said Severus half-smothered by Eileen's embrace. "I'm going to Hogwarts."

"I heard that", said Tobias monotonously.

"Can't you show a little enthusiasm?" Said Eileen. "Can't you see how important this is for him?" Tobias was silent and looked still grimly at Severus.

He opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by a hard knock on the front door, and without waiting for an answer it slammed up and Lily came running in to Severus' room.

"Severus!" She cried, waving a similar letter as the one Severus was holding.

"You've got it as well! I knew it!" Her face beamed with joy. It was better than Severus had dared to hope for.

They would go to Hogwarts together. Lily jumped up happily in his bed and hugged Severus and Eileen.

Behind their backs Severus could see how Tobias quietly slipped out of the room.

_Hello __there!_

_I__'__m __really __sorry __for __not __updating __for __this __long. __And __when __I __finally __do, __I __decide __to __rewrite __the __entire __story. __I __know, __it__'__s __probably __a __pain __if __anyone __was __really __interested __in __coming __chapters._

_The __reason __why __I __am __going __to __delete __the __first __version __of __the __story __is __basically __my __T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E __English!__Couldn__'__t __let __anyone __else __read __it __that __way. __I __think __it__'__s __worth __while __editing. __Hope __you __see __what __I __mean._

_Anyway, you shouldn't have to wait long for the coming chapters, as all I need to do is some correcting._

_Love_

_Apfel_


	2. Chapter 2

_**September **__**1, **__**1971**_

Severus would never forget the first time he stepped inside the doors to Hogwarts.

He stayed close to Lily, everyone else were talking excitedly to each other, Severus could not say a word, he was too nervous.

They were led in to the Great Hall by a gigantic man, or boy, Severus could not determine his age, but he must have been a giant, Eileen had mentioned that giants did exist in the wizarding world.

However, the giant's name was Hagrid, he had guided them from the train to the boats which had taken them across the lake to the castle.

Now he led them through the Great Hall, up to the top table that was standing along the wall opposite the doors. In front of the table was a small stool on which an old soiled hat lay.

"The Sorting Hat", Lily whispered and hugged Severus' hand.

Severus nodded, Eileen had told them about the Sorting Hat, and about the school houses at Hogwarts.

Severus glanced nervously at the four oblong tables which were standing in the hall. The people, aged twelve to seventeen, who sat at them and regarded the newcomers with expectant eyes, were all wearing black robes, like the one Severus was wearing, or not exactly, because the one he was wearing was second hand, Eileen had wanted to give him a new one but Tobias had insisted that they could not afford that. They could never afford.

A man with long hair and beard sprinkled with gray, who sat in the middle of the top table had now risen, he was tall and thin and dressed in a purple robe. Severus felt like his eyes stayed on him several times and he looked nervously away.

"Welcome to Hogwarts, my name is Albus Dumbledore, and I'm the headmaster here at this school. Well, to start with, I'll just give the word to the Sorting Hat, please", he continued, stretching out the flat of his hand to the Sorting Hat.

Severus and Lily exchanged glances, Albus Dumbledore seemed a bit strange. They fixed their gazes on the hat instead, and both jumped back in surprise when it began to move and a wrinkle in the middle of it was opened like a mouth and the hat started to sing.

After the song, a woman who sat at the top table raised. She was wearing a green robe and a pair of square glasses, her hair was pulled back into a bun and her body posture was straight, Severus thought she looked stern.

"My name is Minerva McGonagall, and I'm deputy headmistress", she said, staring with a hard glance at Severus and the others before she lifted a parchment paper in front of her.

"When I call your name you sit on the stool and put the Sorting Hat on, when you have been sorted, you put it back and sit down at the table you have been placed at." She lifted the parchment and read:

"Florence Adams", she called. A little girl with short brown hair walked slowly out of the group. She looked terrified when she took the hat and placed it on her head, it was too big for her and hid almost her whole face.

Everything was quiet for a few seconds, and then the hat proclaimed:

"Slytherin!" The teachers and the pupils who sat at the Slytherin table applauded when Florence Adams took the hat off and ran down to the Slytherin table.

"William Andersen", sounded Professor McGonagall's voice and a blonde, big boy went up and put the hat on.

"Hufflepuff!" Proclaimed the hat.

"Where do you think you'll be placed?" Whispered Lily.

"I don't know", whispered Severus.

"Where do you _want__to_be placed?" Lily asked stubbornly. Severus let his gaze wander among the four tables.

"I don't know... Where do you want to go then?" He asked.

"I don't know...", muttered Lily. "Sev?"

"Yes."

"We will still be friends, right? If we don't end up in the same house." She squeezed his hand.

"Of course", whispered Severus and squeezed her hand back.

"Isaac Avery", read Professor McGonagall and a boy with long brown hair and black eyes went slowly up and put the hat on.

"Slytherin", proclaimed the hat as soon as it touched Avery's head. He smiled contentedly and went down to the Slytherin table.

"Sirius Black", called Professor McGonagall and a dark-haired boy pushed his way past Severus and Lily and put eagerly the Sorting Hat on. The hat pondered for almost a minute, and then it shouted:

"Gryffindor!" Sirius Black's face broke into a broad smile and he ran down to the Gryffindor table.

"My mum told me the hat talks to you", whispered Severus.

"What do you think it says?" Asked Lily.

"I don't know."

"Lily Evans." Lily's hand squeezed hard around Severus' when she heard her name. Severus squeezed her hand back and released it. Lily looked at him, then she turned around and walked up to the podium.

She pulled the hat on and sat down. Severus waited tensely. After a few seconds of silence the hat proclaimed:

"Gryffindor!" Lily breathed, put the hat back and walked over to the Gryffindor table.

Severus looked at her. She had sat down next to Sirius Black, who had shaken hands with her at once. Severus thought bitterly that she would be at least as popular here as she had been in their last school.

He turned back to the hat which now was sorting someone into Ravenclaw.

Professor McGonagall had come to L and cried out:

"Remus Lupin." A skinny boy with blue eyes and light brown hair stepped forward and pulled the hat over his head. He looked nervous, or in fact, terrified.

"Gryffindor!" Cried the hat. Remus Lupin looked still scared when he took the hat of and sat down at the Gryffindor table.

Severus began to feel impatient, why would his surname begin with an S?

McGonagall continued reading, soon she came to O.

"Ivan Ossoinak", she cried, Ivan Ossoinak was a little chubby boy with dark hair that touched his shoulder blades, he slid slowly up and put the hat on, it was quiet for a few seconds, then it proclaimed:

"Ravenclaw!" Ivan Ossoinak slid, without any sign of being interested in where he was placed, down to the Ravenclaw table and McGonagall continued.

"Peter Pettigrew", she cried, and a boy who looked like he was at least two years younger than everyone else climbed up on the stool and put the hat on.

Severus thought the whole boy would disappear into the hat, but it rested on his shoulders. The hat thought for a moment, and then it shouted:

"Gryffindor!" Peter Pettigrew took happily the hat off, and tripped down to the Gryffindor table, where Lily now became familiar with her new classmates.

Severus looked bitterly at them.

"James Potter", cried Professor McGonagall and Severus got pushed in the back by a black-haired boy who wore glasses.

"Oops, sorry mate", he said without looking at Severus before he hurried up to the hat. He sat down and put it on.

"Gryffindor!" Cried the hat. James Potter looked pleased when he took the hat off, he sat down next to Peter Pettigrew at the Gryffindor table.

Severus managed to catch Lily's eye contact, she smiled at him, he did not smile back.

"Virgo Rudolph", called McGonagall. Virgo Rudolph had short blonde hair and wore glasses. He sat down and put the hat on.

"Slytherin!" It cried at once Virgo's face had disappeared under the cloth. Virgo smiled happily and sat down at the Slytherin table.

"Severus Snape", called Professor McGonagall.

Severus felt at once how his cheeks were heating, he walked slowly up to the podium. Everyone in the room looked at him. He sat down and put quickly the Sorting Hat on. It slid down over his eyes and he was glad he did not have to look at his audience.

"You have a reading head, I can feel that", whispered the hat. "You will be very successful if you make the right decisions, and if you can control your anger instead of letting it control you. You have obviously gone through much suffering... You have to learn who you are and where you belong, after that people will accept you the way you are. But you, yourself, have to figure out how you will get there… Where shall I put you?"

It was quiet, as if it waited for Severus to answer the question. Severus head felt empty, he could not think of where he wanted to be placed, he hoped the hat should know and make the best decision for him.

"Right…" it said. "For now… I think the best place for you is… Slytherin!"

Severus heard how the students at the Slytherin table applauded, he took the hat off and put it back on the stool after which he went down and sat at the Slytherin table.

A teenage boy with blonde hair and posh attitude stretched his hand out and introduced himself as Lucius Malfoy. Severus introduced himself awkwardly, he looked up at the Sorting Hat and thought about what it had said.

He must learn who he was and where he belonged. What did it mean?

He turned his head and looked at Lily at the Gryffindor table. What he most of all wanted to do was to leave the room with her so that they could talk, just the two of them, about what the hat had said to him.

The last one who Professor McGonagall called was a boy named Samuel Zacco, he was placed in Slytherin.

When he sat down opposite Severus, Albus Dumbledore stood up again.

"Now, when everyone has been sorted, there are some important things I want you to know..."

"Severus", hissed Virgo Rudolph and pulled Severus closer.

"What?" Whispered Severus surprised.

"You know that Slytherin's must stick together, right?"

"What?" Asked Severus.

"Your red-haired friend", Virgo jerked his head in the direction of the Gryffindor table. Severus looked in that direction.

"Lily?"

"Oh, is that her name? I saw you were looking at her."

"Yes?"

"She's a Gryffindor", whispered Virgo seriously. "She's the enemy, you know that, don't you?" Severus looked at Lily again.

"He's right", whispered Samuel Zacco who had heard the conversation, he leaned across the table, looking seriously at Severus. "You can't be friends with her anymore."

Severus swallowed, he was about to answer that he would never end his friendship with Lily, although she was the enemy, but did not have time for both Virgo's and Samuel's heads turned towards Dumbledore as his voice echoed louder in the hall.

"Now that you're all aware of all the risks here at Hogwarts, we can eat."

Severus thought that Dumbledore's eyes stayed at him before he sat down, and he suddenly felt very small.

_Hello __again, __just __to __let __you __know; __I__'__m __really __trying __to __make __everything __as__ "__realistic__" __as __possible, __and __then __I __mean __according __to __the __actual __Harry __Potter __books. __The __problem __is __that __I __haven__'__t __read __the __books __in __ages, __so __if __you __find __errors __- __you __know __why. __Let __me __know __if __you __want, __although, __that __might __make __me __want __to __rewrite __it __again, __haha._

_Love_

_Apfel_


	3. Chapter 3

_**November **__**21, **__**1971**__**  
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There was frost on the windows in the library, and the cold embraced him when he stood too close to any of them.

Severus was looking for a book about the Dark Arts. Defense Against the Dark Arts had became one of his favourite subjects.

He could not find the book that he was looking for, it was probably included in the Restricted Section, with all the other interesting books.

Bitterly, he took another book that did not seem too uninteresting, and brought it down to the Great Hall.

He did not want to go to the common room because Virgo and Samuel should probably be there, they were grumpy with him because he still socialised with Lily Evans, and he did not want to discuss it with them again.

It was Sunday and most of the students stayed indoors because of the cold and the rain that had swept across England the recent days.

The Great Hall was quiet, professor McGonagall was sitting with some other teachers at the top table and talked about something. At the other four tables sat groups of students, some talking quietly to each other, others read or worked with school tasks.

Severus sat down at the end of the Slytherin table, opened the book and began to read. He had not come far when he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Lily.

"Hi", she said and sat down next to Severus. Some of the Slytherins who sat close looked disliking at Lily and Severus when she sat down.

Severus wished that they could avoid those looks as soon as he sat down at the Gryffindor table or her at the Slytherin table, but there was always someone who sent a hateful glance at them.

"Hi," he said to Lily.

"What are you reading about?" She asked.

"Defence Against the Dark Arts", said Severus, and showed her the cover of the book.

"Interesting", said Lily happily and started to read from the back of the book.

"Mm", said Severus.

"Are you okay?" She asked. "You're quiet."

"No, I'm fine", said Severus. "It's just..." Suddenly there was a loud bang from the Entrance Hall and yellow smoke began to rise through the doors into the Great Hall.

All eyes turned towards the door where two characters coughing appeared.

"Awesome!" Cried Sirius Black when his coughing attack was over.

"Did you see the explosion?" Cried James Potter back.

"Yeah, we have to do it again", said Black.

"But bigger!" Shouted Potter.

"Black, Potter!" Cried Professor McGonagall and got up from the top table. "Always you two!"

"Oh dear", said Black.

"Got to go, I think we have a _Transfiguration_homework to do", said Potter, and the boys ran laughing out of the Hall into the yellow smoke that began to disperse out of the Entrance Hall.

"Come back here! You will get detention for this!" Cried McGonagall as she ran after the boys out to the Entrance Hall.

Severus looked at Lily, she had followed Black and Potter with her eyes until they disappeared.

"They've been like that since we started", said Severus. "They will be expelled soon."

"Perhaps", said Lily. "But they are quite nice people." Severus put grumpily his head on his arms on the table.

"Everyone's nice to you", he muttered.

"But maybe you should try to be a bit nice to people, they would certainly be nice to you if you were."

"Maybe, until they look at me", Severus muttered, and hid his face in his hands.

"Stop it", said Lily. "It has nothing to do with that."

"Sure…" said Severus.

"Want to play chess?" Said Lily, smiling.

"Yes", replied Severus but before they could do anything a group of Slytherin boys came up to them.

"Excuse me, but hasn't Gryffindor House your own table to sit at?" Asked one of the boys, he had a hoarse, groaning voice, white blond hair and gray eyes, it was Lucius Malfoy.

Among the other Slytherin boys who stood behind him, Severus could catch a glimpse of Isaac Avery from his year.

"Yes, but I wanted to sit with Severus, we're friends", said Lily politely.

"Romeo and Juliet", Severus heard one of the boys say, and Avery and the others laughed.

"As you can see there are plenty of friends for you at the Gryffindor table, miss ..."

"Evans, thanks, but I want to sit with Severus, Mr..."

"Malfoy", the boy said. Severus knew that Malfoy would not rest until Lily had left the table.

He quickly took up his book and took Lily by the arm.

"Come on Lily, let's go somewhere else." He put the book on top of all the others which filled his bag and pulled Lily away from the boys but heard them shouting 'Romeo and Juliet' after them.

"What an annoying guy", said Lily angrily and stomped up the stairs. "As if it would matter which house you're from. As if we would be enemies just because we are in different, I'll fucking beat him, no, I'm going to invent an evil spell, which rips up holes in his whole ugly, disgusting body."

"I hear you're angry", said Severus, who tried to keep up in Lily's tempo.

"I'm so fucking pissed off, that's discrimination, we should tell the headmaster!"

"No, don't do that", said Severus. "That would just make us snitchers."

"Ooh", Lily groaned and clenched her fists.

"Calm down", said Severus and grabbed Lily's shoulder so that she stopped. He looked into the green eyes which had a gleam of anger in them.

Lily took a deep breath.

"Okay", she said. "But I will still always hate that... What's his name again?"

"Malfoy", said Severus. "Lucius Malfoy."

"Lucius Malfoy", repeated Lily. "Silly name." Severus nodded and smiled, a bit stiff.

"Want to play chess?" He asked.

"Yes", said Lily. "I've got a chessboard in my common room, let's go and fetch it."

"Maybe I should wait outside", said Severus when they reached the Fat Lady's portrait, which was the entrance to the Gryffindor common room.

"You're coming with me!" Said Lily and grabbed his arm. "I'll kill the one who says anything!"

"Password?" Asked the Fat Lady.

"Cassiopeia", said Lily. The Fat Lady looked doubtfully at Severus for a few seconds, then she opened for them and they climbed in through the hole.

Severus was nervous when he entered the Gryffindor common room, he felt strongly that he should not be there.

Lily led him across the room and he got wondering looks of everyone they passed, but no one said anything.

Lily took the chess board, which had stood on a windowsill, then she turned around and pulled Severus along through the room and out again.

When they came out of the portrait Severus saw James Potter and Sirius Black, who were coming towards them in the corridor.

"Lily", cried Black and waved cheerfully, but stopped when he saw Severus. "But what did he do... In there...?"

"Severus is my best friend", said Lily sharply. "And he comes with me."

"Your best friend..." Black repeated, him and Potter exchanged a glance, then Black turned to Severus held out his hand.

"Nice to meet you then Severus, Lily's friends, are our friends, I'm Sirius, Sirius Black." Severus stretched uncertainly out his hand and shook Blacks.

"Severus Snape." He muttered. He was unsure if Black was serious, maybe he was just trying to make fun of him.

"Seriously, we're in the same year, you must know each other's names", said Lily, shaking her head.

"Come on Severus, let's go." She grabbed Severus' arm and Severus made an attempt to start walking but Potter grabbed his other arm.

"Severus", he said. Severus looked horrified at him.

"Yes?" He said with a weak voice.

"Is this your book?" He picked up the book which was lying on the floor, it had probably fallen out of Severus' bag when he climbed out of the portrait.

"Yes. It's mine. Or. It's a library book, but. Yes. It is..." He stammered.

"It's okay", said Potter, smiling as he held out the book. "My name is James by the way, if you didn't know. James Potter." He smiled when he said it, the brown eyes reflected behind his glasses. Severus took the book.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome", said Potter. "Nice to meet you. See you later, Lily." He waved at Lily before he followed Black in through the portrait hole.

"Shall we go then, or do you want to stand here all day?" Said Lily, and pulled Severus away with her.

Severus should never forget James Potter's name after that. And he would never forget the feeling he got when he looked into his deep, brown eyes.

_It __has __begun__…_

_Love_

_Apfel_


	4. Chapter 4

_**September **__**1, **__**1973**_

Severus and Lily were sitting together in the waiting room at Kings Cross. It swarmed with people, they had been lucky to find seats.

Lily's parents had driven them to London and here they sat now, with their large trunks in front of them which almost hid them.

Severus looked forward to going back to Hogwarts, the summer holidays had been boring, and he missed the classes. He had borrowed several books from the library at Hogwarts over the summer, he had read them all so many times that he now knew them all, more or less, by heart.

He had also created his own series of spells and incantations, they became better with each new he created.

"So, our third year", said Lily, and beat her hand on Severus' knee.

"Mm", said Severus.

"It's gone very fast", said Lily. "Remember the first time we went?" she laughed.

"How scared you were."

"Yeah", replied Severus. "I remember."

They took their trunks and began dragging them towards platform nine and three quarters. Severus still felt uncomfortable running into the wall, but he did not show it to Lily.

They stepped on board the Hogwarts Express and Lily found an empty compartment where they sat down.

"So", said Severus. "I heard you and that David Fletcher are going out again...?" Said Severus and looked inquiringly at Lily.

"Why are you still going on about David Fletcher", said Lily, grimacing.

"He is good-looking, right?" Severus smirked. Lily did not answer.

"That girl, Florence Adams, who's in your class", said Lily, and began to grin leery at Severus.

"Yes?"

"She's quite good-looking, right?"

"That's lame, Lily, as if I've ever given the impression of being interested in her", said Severus.

"As if I've ever given the impression of being interest in..."

"Fletcher? You have."

"Just forget it", said Lily, and struck up a newspaper in front of her face. Severus smiled and leaned against the window pane.

The train chimed and began to slide out from the platform.

"Hello", said suddenly a squeaky voice and a little boy dressed in a black robe peeked in through the door.

"Hi Peter", Lily got up immediately and threw her arms around Peter Pettigrew who answered with an awkward embrace.

Pettigrew sat next to Lily and nodded with a little smile to Severus, who did not have the energy to smile back. Instead, he raised his eyebrows in greeting and took up and began to read the newspaper that Lily had put away.

"What have you done all summer?" Said Pettigrew and Lily started to talk about her family's holiday. Severus did not listen, he read an article about mysterious Dark Arts which had been discovered in a muggle village near London.

"Peter, are you in here?" Said a hoarse voice and Remus Lupin stuck his head through the door of the compartment. "Oh, hey Lily, Severus, how are you?"

He hugged Lily and patted Severus on the shoulder and gave him a smile before he sat down beside him.

Severus glanced at him from the newspaper, he looked like he had not slept for days, his brown hair was dry, he had dark circles under his eyes and the cheekbones seemed to protrude from his face. _He__is__almost__as__ugly__as__me._ Thought Severus before he returned to the newspaper.

He had not started reading before the door flew up and Sirius Black and James Potter walked in.

"Lily, Peter, Remus", exclaimed Black and threw his arms around all three of them. James only hugged Lily, and slapped Peter and Remus in the back in a very boyish way.

Severus saw them only in periphery, he could feel the nervousness involuntarily began to come crawling inside of him, like it did as soon as Potter and Black were around, they were too noisy, too much, not like Lupin and Pettigrew, he admitted to himself that he was a bit scared of them.

"Severus, how's it going?" Said Potter and drew the newspaper down from Severus' face with his index finger.

Severus found himself suddenly staring into the glittering brown eyes, which smiled behind the glasses. Suddenly he got the same strange feeling of happiness and nervousness that he had got two years ago, when Potter had handed him his book and their eyes had met.

But this time it was ten times stronger, it was as if Severus' stomach had done a somersault, he did not know where he was or who he was, he only saw those eyes.

"Hello?" Severus was snatched from the depth of Potter's eyes and quickly pulled up the newspaper to hide his blushing face.

"I'm fine... Thank you", he mumbled and tried to make himself small, most of all he had wanted to disappear, slip through the seat or cease to exist.

"Okay..." said Potter, he sounded a bit surprised and Severus felt how he blushed even stronger behind his newspaper.

He tried to continue reading the article he had read earlier, but was constantly distracted by Potter's and Black's loud waffle about Quidditch, Severus was not overly interested in Quidditch, but his eyes slid continually from the text, and up over the edge of the newspaper to look at Potter where he sat next to Pettigrew, diagonally across from Severus, and gesticulating wildly.

He had grown during the summer, his face, which had been plump and boyish had become angular, and his whole body had got more grown-up features, his shoulders were broad and he must have been almost a head taller than Severus.

When Potter's eyes unexpectedly stopped at him Severus quickly looked down at the paper again and tried to keep his eyes still, but it was barely possible, not even he could concentrate on reading when Potter and Black where in the same compartment.

He continued anyway, pretending to read the newspaper, occasionally glanced at Potter, but was careful not to get stuck too long with his eyes on him.

Suddenly Potter's and Black's wild Quidditch discussion was interrupted by the door that flew up again, Severus turned his head in surprise to the doorway, where Samuel Zacco now stood, and behind him loomed Virgo Rudolph.

"Severus, what are you doing here?" Asked Samuel and threw back the long brown hair. "Come and sit with us instead."

"Excuse me, but have you thought about that the reason why he is sitting here could be that he actually wants to sit here", said Lily loudly and looked up at Samuel. Samuel looked condescendingly at Lily, she was wearing muggle clothes, Severus could swear that he knew what Samuel thought.

"It's okay, Lily", he hastened to say. "I'll go with them." Lily gave him a disappointed look, but then she nodded and Severus left the compartment, when he passed Potter he made sure he did not get eye contact with him again.

He could hear how Black and Potter continued their discussion before the compartment door slammed behind him and he went, together with Samuel and Virgo into a compartment further away, where even Isaac Avery and Florence Adams sat.

Florence smiled at Severus when he came in, Severus nodded in reply and sat down opposite her. It took him a half glance at her before he could establish that she was pretty, but that he would never get feelings for her.

He leaned his head against the window and looked out at the landscape, which passed by outside. He felt empty.

_Well... It's quite boring this far. But things will happen. Promise!_

_Love_

_Apfel_


	5. Chapter 5

_**May **__**13, **__**1974**_

Severus stood, dressed in underwear, in front of the oblong mirror in the dormitory and examined himself in disgust, his eyes went along his bony body, stopped at the sharp clavicles, ribs and the slim thighs and shins. His sallow skin looked like an ancient piece of parchment, his eyes staring bitterly black back at him.

He turned his face in profile, and shuddered at the sight of his hooked nose. His eyes rose to the black, shoulder length hair, Lily had cut it a few months ago, and it already began to get too long. It was greasy again, when did he wash it last time? Yesterday? It was hopeless, it was always greasy.

"Ugly", whispered the reflection to him. Severus stared into the empty eyes, he said nothing, but felt how his temple started hitching. "You know that you're ugly, it doesn't matter for how long you stare at yourself, you will always be."

Suddenly there was a bang and the mirror cracked, a long crack across the reflection of his face. Severus jumped terrified back, had he just done that?

"You can't even control yourself", said the reflection. "You're mad."

Severus turned around, he dared not listen to the reflection any longer; he might accidentally break the entire mirror. Suddenly he heard someone walking down the stairs outside the room, he ran quickly over to his bed and pulled on his pyjama shirt just before the door opened, and Samuel and Virgo arrived.

"Severus", said Virgo and looked at him over the edge of his glasses. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing", replied Severus hesitantly.

"We heard a bang", said Samuel and looked around.

"Yes, it was..." Severus began, but thought it would be too obvious to say that he accidently broke the mirror with magic, they would understand that he found himself ugly. _As__if__they__did__not__know__that__before_. "I accidently broke the mirror", he began. "With my elbow when I brushed my teeth."

Samuel and Virgo looked from the cracked mirror to Severus, then shrugged their shoulders and walked out of the room.

Severus heard them walk up the stairs which led to the Slytherin common room. He threw himself on the bed and looked up at the green fire that burned slightly from the torch on the wall. His gaze was drawn back to the mirror. His reflection in the bed looked back.

"Ugly", it whispered again, almost inaudibly. Severus was about to look away when the mirror image continued to talk. "You should have looked like... James Potter."

"Potter?" Severus sat stiffly up in bed so that he stared into the gray stone wall instead of the mirror. "Potter?" He repeated. "Why would I want to look like him?"

_He__is__good__looking_, said a voice in Severus consciousness. Was he? Severus had never thought of it before, but yes, when he imagined a picture of James Potter in front of him, yes, yes he looked good. Much better than himself.

Had everything been better if he looked like James Potter? Would he have been as popular and had as many friends and... Girls.

Severus had seen how the girls looked at Potter, and Black. Was it perhaps because they always ignored the rules and always were heard and seen over everyone else? Was that cool? Were you supposed to be like that to be popular among the girls? Severus shook his head and crept down under the covers.

"Potter", whispered his reflection before Severus pulled back the green curtains around the bed. He lay down on his back and looked up in the green fabric over it.

Potter and Black would probably be able to get which girl they wanted, but Severus was not sure whether they had any girlfriends.

Lily was going out with William Andersen from Hufflepuff, they had begun to meet at the beginning of the term, Severus did not like Andersen, he never studied, and did never do his school tasks, to often Lily ended up doing his tasks for him, he did not look very good either, in Severus' opinion. He had shaved his hair off during their third year at Hogwarts and his arm muscles were almost as large as Severus was around his waist.

Severus wondered if Lily had not noticed how good Potter and Black looked. He had never seen her look at them like the other girls did. She was probably like him, different.

Severus had never felt any attraction to a girl, Florence Adams, who all the other boys in their class were drooling after, he saw only as a friend and had never even considered the idea that he would like to get closer to her.

Not Lily either, who many of the boys in the class also looked dreamily at in the classes they had together with the Gryffindors.

He did not know what was wrong with him. Why he never fell in love. But he did not think he would be a good boyfriend either. He would never have time for a girlfriend, and he would never dare to... Kiss her. He swallowed. The idea of kissing a girl did not seem attractive at all.

He sighed and closed his eyes. He tried to imagine the perfect person, the perfect girlfriend. But soon it was Potter's face floating around inside his eyelids. Potter, his black, dishevelled hair, his broad smile, his brown, magic eyes, and that feeling that Severus got when he looked into those eyes.

It was over half a year ago now, he had not dared to look into Potter's eyes after that time on the train. They had not spoken since that.

Severus turned around in bed and tried to think of something else, but Potter's face etched itself stubbornly fixed on his retina, and followed him into sleep.

The next morning he had Transfiguration with Professor McGonagall. It was one of the lessons they had together with Gryffindor. Severus was, as usual, the first arriving to the class. Professor McGonagall looked up from her desk when he came into the classroom.

"Always punctual", she said and smiled at him. Severus nodded and sat down at a desk at the front of the classroom, where he always used to sit. He picked up his Transfiguration books and parchment and feather pens.

Professor McGonagall returned to writing what she was doing at her desk. Severus put up his bottles of ink and feather pens and put the pile of parchment paper neatly in front of him on the desk. He was always systematic in the classes.

He opened his Transfiguration book and went, with help of some old notes, through what they had done the lesson before.

Soon the door opened and Severus turned around to see who came in. It was Lily, along with two other Gryffindor girls.

"Severus", she lit up when she caught sight of Severus, came over and sat down beside him. "How are you? I didn't see you yesterday. "

"No, I was tired so I went to bed early", muttered Severus.

"Okay", Lily nodded. She picked up her things while her friends sat at the desk behind them, Severus could hear them whispering about him, but he was too accustomed to take notice.

Soon the rest of the class came into the room. Or almost everyone, when Severus looked out over the classroom, he saw that the desk at the back of the room, where Potter and Black always used to sit, was empty. He shook his head and turned back.

Professor McGonagall began the lesson by going through how they would proceed to turn a flower into a bird. When she was finished with the introduction she told, to the class's disappointment, them to read eight pages from the transfiguration book before they would try to implement the spell.

Severus was not one of those who sighed as he opened the right page in his book, he began eagerly to read about the magic formula which they were going to perform.

Soon the classroom fell in to silence when everyone began to read in their books.

At least for about three minutes, then the door swung open and Severus turned around with the rest of the class to see who came in, it was, as expected, Potter and Black, panting as if they had run several miles.

"Potter and Black", said Professor McGonagall angrily and her eyes narrowed as she looked at them.

"Sorry we're late", gasped Black.

"It will not happen again", Potter gasped before him and Black sank into the desks at the back of the room.

"You are fifteen minutes late! Five points from Gryffindor." A common moan was heard from the Gryffindor students, Severus noted, however, that the two girls that Lily had come together with looked back admiringly at Potter and Black.

He stretched his neck to see them himself, Potter leaned his head against his hand as he leafed through his book. Suddenly he lifted his eyes and looked right at Severus.

Severus shrugged and pretended that he was looking at something behind Potter, but it was obvious that Potter knew what Severus had looked at, he looked not angry though, but smiled and nodded at him. Severus felt warm when he saw it and he nodded back before he turned around and continued to read.

Severus had spent the evening in the library, he had done the homework that Professor McGongall had given them earlier in the day and also finished reading the first three chapters in the Defense Against the Dark Arts book, in fact he was supposed to read only the first chapter, but then he had lost himself completely in the book, it happened often, and it was only now at half-past twelve at night that Severus realised for how long he had been there.

He had been sitting in a secluded corner of the library and the librarian had probably not seen him when she left for the day.

Severus got nervous when he discovered that he was alone and how dark it was around him.

He put his books down in his bag and hurried out of the library. There was dead silence in the corridors outside, all students were probably in their common rooms at this time, unless they were lying in their beds. Severus took out his wand and whispered:

"Lumos." It began to shine in the end and Severus started walking through the darkened castle.

The portraits on the walls muttered irritated at him when he walked past with the wand raised in front of him. It was quite peaceful to walk around in the castle at night when no one else was there, the silence and loneliness felt good.

Suddenly Severus tripped over something, he fell forwards and hit the floor with a hard thud, he dropped the wand which's light went out and it rolled off on the floor. Severus desperately came up to his knees and began to grope in the dark after the wand.

"Who's there?" A voice suddenly said - which he recognised too well.

"Potter, is that you?" Severus asked, surprised. He did not answer straight away.

"Who are you?" Said Potter and sounded suspicious.

"It's Severus Snape."

"Oh, Lumos", Potter's wand shone suddenly up. "It's you."

Severus felt his heart began to beat hard in his chest when he saw Potter's face by the light of his wand. He squatted over him and began to smile. "What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?"

"I... I read and then I lost track of time", Severus got up. "I was on my way to my common room."

"Okay", Potter said, nodding. "I'll follow you there, I can't sleep anyway, if it's okay with you of course?"

"Uh... Yeah... Yeah, of course..." replied Severus.

"Cool", said Potter and smiled wider as he got up.

"Can you just point the light in this direction?" Asked Severus. "I dropped my wand."

"Oh, yes, of course", said Potter, and shone in the direction that Severus had pointed out. Soon he could see the wand on the floor.

"Thanks", said Severus and picked it up.

"You're welcome", Potter said, and smiled broadly again. "So, you have to show the way, I have no idea where your common room is."

"No, right", said Severus, and lit his wand again. They began to walk side by side through the dizzying corridors.

When they passed a window the moonlight was thrown in and made Potters skin look ghostly blue. The masculine features of his face, which had grown even stronger during the year, highlighted more evident in the moonlight, and Severus could not help but look at him and think of how beautiful he was.

"It's a bit sick, isn't it", said Potter after they had gone silent for a while. "I mean, you've been in our common room lots of times, but I don't even know where yours is."

"No", Severus began. "I guess you've never had any reason to come there... I mean, Lily and I are friends, and... Yeah, you're not really friends with someone from Slytherin, are you?" Potter laughed.

"I thought we were friends?" He looked at Severus with a twinkle in his eye.

"Well", began Severus and smiled a bit awkwardly back. "I guess we are..."

"Severus", said Potter, and stopped.

"What?" Severus asked, surprised.

"I think that was the first time I've seen you smile." Severus looked up at Potter who smiled at him. They stood so close they almost touched each other. Only a few inches separated their bodies.

Severus suddenly felt a desire to move closer to James Potter, wanting to touch him, kiss him. The euphoria that Potters eyes filled him with seemed to get his heart to want to punch a hole in his chest, the only thing he wanted to do was to lean his body closer and wipe out those centimetres' between them.

But he did nothing. And Potter turned away and continued walking.

"Well", he said while Severus led them to the left. "I guess you have your reasons, but you really should smile more Severus."

"Okay", was all Severus could say. They walked down the stone stairs that led to the dungeons where the Slytherin common room was.

"Is it down in the dungeons?" Potter asked, impressed. Severus nodded.

"Here it is", he said, and stopped in front of the bare stone wall which was the entrance to the Slytherin common room.

"Cool", said Potter and looked around. "Can I come in?" Severus wanted nothing else than to give a positive answer to that question, but did not even dare to think about what would happen if Virgo, Samuel or any of the other Slytherins who disliked him socialising with Gryffindors were in there.

"I don't think that's a good idea", he said, shaking his head. "Sorry."

"Oh", said Potter and scratched his head. "Maybe another time then."

"Mm", Severus muttered, looking down at the floor.

"Hey, I thought of something", said Potter and sounded excited again. Severus looked up at him with inquiring glance. "You know, I'm not very good at transfiguration, and Lily used to help me, but yeah, she's always hanging around with that Hufflepuff guy you know. So I thought if you maybe... I mean if you've got the time maybe you could help me with the homework because I really don't understand a thing." Severus felt he began to smile again, he nodded at once.

"Yes, yes, of course", he said.

"You sure it's okay?" asked Potter.

"Yes, it would be... Or I mean, why not?" Severus could barely pronounce the words correctly, he just smiled. Potter also began to smile and they looked at each other again without saying anything. After a few seconds of silence, Potter began to laugh.

"But shall we meet in the library tomorrow after dinner, then?" He asked.

"Yes, perfect", replied Severus and nodded eagerly again.

"Perfect", said Potter. "Go to bed now", he brought his right arm around Severus' shoulder and Severus thought for a moment that he was going to hug him, but instead he gave him a pat on the back and then began to walk back towards the stairs leading up from the dungeons.

"Potter", Severus shouted before he could stop himself.

"Yeah?" said Potter, and turned around.

"What were _you_ doing out at this time?" asked Severus.

"I..." began Potter and scratched his head. "Uh... I... Well, you know, I can never sleep when it's full moon, then I go for a walk, it usually helps." He smiled again. "And Severus", he added.

"Yes?"

"Can't you call me James instead? We're mates, right?"

"Sure, James, of course", Severus said, nodding. Potter nodded back and smiled widely before he ran up the stairs. Severus stood and watched him, he waited until the sound of his footsteps had died out completely. Then he turned to the stone wall.

"Tearstone", he said in one word, and the wall slid aside, he climbed in through the hole to the common room, it was empty. Potter and Severus could have been here undisturbed, Severus stomach spun around a few laps when he thought of what they could have done, and he smiled a faint smile to himself as he walked down the stairs that led down to the boys' dormitories.

Loud snores were heard from the other boys' beds when Severus gently opened the door and sneaked away to the corner where his bed was.

He slipped out of his clothes and pulled his pyjamas on. Before he pulled back the curtains he could see that his reflection in the mirror smiled wide at him.

The next day was Wednesday; Severus had no classes together with Lily, which was why they usually met up at the front door after their last class on Wednesday's.

As he stood waiting for her in the noisy entrance hall, it was as if he could not stay still, his feet began impatiently clapping against the marble floor as he peered out over the sea of students who crowded around him.

Soon he caught sight of her, she did not look happy when she elbowed herself down the stairs and came up to him.

"Hello", said Severus and could not stop the smile that grew on his lips.

"Hello", said Lily, and recoiled in astonishment at Severus' wide smile. Severus threw his arms around Lily's shoulders before she could say anything else, then he took her by the hand and began to walk fast out the front door.

"Come on, let's go outside", he said. "There's something I have to tell you."

"Okay", said Lily surprised but followed Severus out. The sun was shining outside and a lot of the students were standing in small groups outside the castle. Severus and Lily went to the big tree by the lake. There they sat down with their backs against the tree's thick trunk.

"There is something I have to tell you too", said Lily, without sounding that enthusiastic.

"Really?" said Severus happily and leaned towards her.

"Mm", muttered Lily. "But you can start."

"No, you first", said Severus.

"Okay", said Lily, and threw her hair back. "It's that idiot, Potter!" Her eyes shot lightning's when she pronounced the name and Severus bit his tongue. "He has always been annoying, but now it's just too much!"

"What has he done?" Asked Severus and tried to sound impartial.

"He went into my dormitory, and he should not be able to get in there, the stairs don't allow boys to go in there."

"Really?" Severus asked, surprised.

"Yes, but he must have found a way cause he came into my dormitory last night and turned my hair purple!" Severus swallowed a laugh. "So when I woke up this morning, my hair was purple! You get it? Purple! Can you see the panic I got? I had to look through every book I had before I found a spell that could get back my normal hair colour. I was almost late for my first lesson this morning."

"Oh dear…" Severus said slowly.

"Is that all you have to say?" said Lily angrily. "He's a fucking idiot if he thinks he'll get away with this..."

"But are you sure it was him, then?" Severus interrupted.

"Yes, I am, Remus told me, apparently Potter's really proud of it, he told Remus, Sirius and Peter. That disgusting little..." She gnashed her teeth and clenched her fists.

"Maybe... He meant it as a joke..." Severus regretted it as soon as he had said it. Lily's eyes darkened and stared at him narrowly.

"Are you protecting him now?"

"No, no, I don't", Severus hurried to say. "But I just thought, yeah, Potter's jokes are usually a bit weird..."

"A _bit_ weird", muttered Lily. "No, seriously, he has declared a war against me! And if he wants a war, he shall have one. I'll turn his hair... Pink! No, rainbow stripy!" Severus stifled another laugh at the thought of Potter with rainbow stripy hair. Lily had begun to calm down and leaned back against the tree trunk.

"What was the thing you wanted to tell me then?" She asked and looked at Severus.

"Er", Severus began, and scratched his head. "Actually... It was nothing special..."

"Really?" Lily asked, surprised. "Because you seemed very happy before... And now, as well."

"Yes... But it's nothing special, I just feel generally... Happy", he laughed.

"Sev", Lily said, and flicked him in the head with her palm. "You're weird, you know that?"

"You're weird to, Lil", Severus said, leaning back against the tree, he closed his eyes and felt how the smile grew wider on his face.

Severus had dinner with Virgo, Samuel and Florence. They spoke vividly about their Divination class, Severus did not study Divination. He sat quietly and listened to their talking about teacups and palms, but without listening, he looked at them but did not see them. His brain was foggy, he could not concentrate, constantly the corners of his mouth went up and he found himself smiling at nothing.

The others wondered why he acted so strange, Severus replied that he was glad it would be summer soon. He had got raised eyebrows in response, he had always hated the summer holidays.

Severus had, periodically, cast glances towards the Gryffindor table to see if Potter was there. But he had not seen him throughout dinner. Not Black either, they were probably up to some new mischiefs; perhaps they were turning someone's hair purple.

When the food had disappeared from the tables and the students started to walk out of the Great Hall Severus' nervousness began to bubble inside him.

He walked out of the hall along with Virgo, Samuel and Florence, but instead of following them into the corridor that led to the dungeons, he began to walk up the stairs to the library. Florence stopped when she saw that he went that way.

"Severus", she called.

"Yes?" Asked Severus, and stopped on the step.

"Where are you going?"

"Uh..." Severus began.

"He is going to meet with his little Gryffindor friend again", said Samuel and gave Severus a dark eye.

"Come on Severus, forget about her, come with us to the common room instead", said Florence.

"Actually, I'm not going to see Lily, I'm going to the library", said Severus angrily.

"He's lying, surely he's going to see her, he always does", said Virgo and glared angrily at Severus. Severus did not bother to discuss it with them, it always ended with that they got angry, he turned and went up the stairs.

"You'll never get any Slytherin friends if you keep hanging out with her!" He heard Samuel shouting after him.

When he got up the stairs and he knew he was out of their sight he stopped. He stared angrily at the floor, without thinking about what he did he turned around and kicked the wall on his right. An unbearable pain radiated from his toes and out through the whole foot.

"Damn it", he moaned.

"You said it", said suddenly a cool and toneless voice.

Severus turned and saw a boy with long dark hair that was up in a pony tail, he was sitting in an alcove in the wall just above the stairs, with his knees drawn up closely to him, and a flute in his hands.

It took Severus a few seconds to recognise the boy as Ivan Ossoinak. He was a Ravenclaw, but they had some classes together, he was one of those who where never seen or heard in the classes. Severus had never really had a good look at him since their first year, when he was small and chubby, now he was tall, thin and athletic, his face had, like Potter's, gone from boyish to manly, his jaw bones had become more markedly, and made his face look almost square shaped.

"Snape, huh?" Said Ossoinak and nodded at Severus. "I'm Ossoinak, I understand exactly what you mean."

"What?" Severus asked with surprise, he had not even said anything.

"I'm different as well", Ossoinak said sceptical. "Strange. Like you."

"Uh..." Severus began. "Okay... Well..." He stood silent, could not think of anything else to say. "I see you around..." He said before he turned and walked away.

_Strange_, he thought. He had never spoken to Ossoinak before, he seemed... Strange. Severus shook off the thought of the boy Ossoinak and began to think of James Potter. He walked faster, did not want to be late for their meeting.

When he came into the library, his stomach was in revolt again. He was sweating and his breath was as if he had run around the castle several times.

He walked around the library, watched carefully everywhere to see if Potter was sitting in a secluded corner. But after going around the library twice he noted that Potter was not there yet.

He sat down at a table near the entrance so that Potter would see him when he got there.

Severus got out a book about Dark Arts, which he had found in the restricted section, he had been given permission to borrow it when he said that it was for a task in Defence Against the Dark Arts.

The book was interesting, but Severus could not concentrate, not even on reading, which was unusual, he loved to read, he did it all the time, but now he could catch himself with having read one page and then not having a clue what it was about.

He thought about Potter again. Potter, he had dreamed of him the whole night, different dreams, abstract, the only thing Severus could remember from them was that Potter had been in every dream.

Severus shook his head and looked at his watch. Potter was late. Ten minutes. Would he not come? Had he forgotten? Or maybe he was ill. Severus had not seen him at dinner. _I__'__ll__wait__for__ten__more__minutes,__if__he__'__s__not__here__by__then__I__'__ll__leave_. Severus tapped his fingers impatiently on the table, for five minutes, no Potter, for five more minutes, still no Potter.

Severus sighed and decided to leave, if he had not come now, he would probably not turn up at all. Severus was just about to get up from his chair when he saw Potter come rushing into the library with his cloak flying like a mantle behind him.

"Severus", he gasped. "You're still here..." He sank down on the chair opposite Severus. Severus could not be cross with him, even though he had been waiting for twenty minutes. Now that Potter was here he felt the same exuberant feeling of happiness in his stomach.

"Have you been waiting for long?" Potter asked, pulling out his Transfiguration book.

"Mm", said Severus, and picked up his book. "Twenty minutes."

"Fuck", said Potter, and hit himself on his forehead. "Sorry, I have had detention all evening, I totally forgot about it, and then Lily came and shouted at me. She seemed really cross… She's weird."

"You turned her hair purple", said Severus and looked at Potter.

"Yeah", said Potter, with a laugh. "Is that why she's angry?"

"Mm", said Severus.

"Okay", said Potter, and continued smiling. "I guess I have to apologise then... But it was a fun thing, you must agree." Severus could not help but smile when he saw Potter's broad smile.

"It wasn't that bad", he said with a smile and shook his head.

"No, exactly", said Potter. "Women, Severus, women, they're weird, aren't they?"

"Mmm", murmured Severus.

"Du you have one, by the way?" Said Potter, looking searchingly at Severus. "A girlfriend, I mean." Severus was embarrassed by the question.

"Uh, no ... No, I haven't." He replied.

"Neither have I", said Potter, and leaned back in his chair. "As if we would have time for such things, with all these school tasks." Severus doubted that Potter spent half as much time on school tasks as he should do, but he still nodded assent.

"Yes, well, you said you need help with the homework in transfiguration..." he began but was interrupted by Potter who quickly leaned forward across the table towards Severus.

"What about you and Lily?" He asked.

"What?" Asked Severus and felt how he began to perspire, Potter's face was not far from his.

"You and Lily?" Repeated Potter. "Aren't you a bit interested in her?"

"No!" Severus said and sounded much angrier than he intended.

"No need to get upset", said Potter and pulled himself away from Severus. "I just asked."

"Sorry", said Severus. "But everyone asks, and it's really annoying to answer the same question over and over again. But the answer is no, I'm not interested in Lily and I'll never be either, I don't know why but I don't get interested in girls." Severus stopped. He looked up at Potter who was sitting opposite him, he had a strange expression on his face, as if he was trying to put pieces together.

"Well..." he said after a long pause. "You are like that." Severus wondered what he meant, then he remembered what he had said and realised what it must have sounded like.

"No. No, I didn't mean..." he began stammering. "It wasn't..." Potter leaned across the table again.

"It's all right, Severus, you don't need to explain", he said. He put his arms on the table and rested his head on them while he still looked at Severus. Severus felt as if he was about to break, it seemed that his heart would jump out of his body, he's face was hot, his whole body was hot, he pressed his hands hard to the transfiguration book to prevent them from tremble.

Potter continued to calmly look at him, the brown eyes sparkled. Suddenly Potter slowly lifted his right hand and moved it closer to Severus' face, it was like a shock of heat when his fingertips touched Severus' cheek. Potter drew his hand slowly along Severus' pronounced cheekbones, his forehead, his eyelids, let his index finger slide slowly over the hooked bridge of Severus' nose and then down over his lips, Severus's mouth slipped open, he breathed heavily and his eyes were half closed, he felt drugged, bewitched by Potter.

"James, Severus, what are you doing?" Potter shot from Severus as a flash and the magic between them was blown away. Severus was frightened when he saw who stood outside the library entrance. It was Albus Dumbledore, wearing his usual purple robe and with a thick book under his arm. He looked from Severus Potter over the top of his half-moon shaped glasses.

"Nothing", Potter said quickly. "Absolutely nothing."

"Okay", said Dumbledore, smiling at them. "Are you all right, Severus? You look a bit pale." Potter laughed.

"He's always pale, professor", he laughed, but was interrupted by a glance at Dumbledore. "Oops, sorry Severus, I didn't mean to be rude."

"It's okay", said Severus. "I feel alright professor, I'm just a bit tired."  
>"Fair enough", Dumbledore said. "Well, I'd better not interfere when you try to study, take care and see you later", he smiled again, Severus got the, a bit uncomfortable, feeling that Dumbledore's eyes really looked too deeply into his eyes, and it felt like he could see exactly what he was thinking, all the thoughts of Potter.<p>

"Well..." said Potter, when Dumbledore's footsteps had died away. "That went well... Maybe lucky that he didn't come later..." He smiled a bit awry. Severus nodded, still confused after all that had happened. They sat in silence for a moment, Severus starred at the table, he did not know what to do, his mind seemed to have stopped working. Finally Potter cleared his throat and Severus looked up at him.

"It's quite late", he said. "Do you want to do the studies another day?"

"Well", replied Severus. "But... What about... Yes. You know..." Severus could not finish the sentence before Potter had walked around the table, pulled Severus up on his feet and drawn his arms around his shoulders. Severus felt his heart beating harder, he wondered if Potter could feel the beats.

They were compressed, Severus dared not move his arms, instead he leaned his forehead against Potter's shoulder. Potter held him tightly by the shoulders. Severus never wanted to move again, he wanted to stay forever and strike root inside the library along with Potter so that their bodies would never have to separate again. For the first time in his life he felt whole, happy, he was the luckiest person in the world.

But soon Potter's grip eased around his shoulders, he stood back half a step and Severus reluctantly lifted his head from his shoulder and looked up at Potter's face. He smiled a weak smile.

"You're cute when you get nervous", he whispered, then he picked up his bag and ran out of the library. Severus was left alone, with his hands still hanging along his sides, and his gaze directed towards the entrance of the library without looking.

He stood there for a few seconds, without understanding what had happened. Then he began to slowly gather his belongings. He put down everything in his bag and began to slowly walk towards the common room. It was getting dark; the corridors were empty when he passed, except for a few ghosts who slid around with themselves.

Severus felt completely blank in his head, as if everything that had been there just had got blown away. He was so preoccupied that he passed the entrance to the Slytherin common room and had to turn around and walk back to the stone wall.

When he got in Virgo, Samuel and Florence turned around and looked at him with dark eyes. Severus said nothing, he barely saw them, he slid slowly through the common room and down the stairs to the dormitory.

As he lay in bed and looked up in the green fabric above him the exuberant euphoria came creeping again. Potter's face appeared again before him, his broad smile, his straight nose, his dark hair dishevelled, Severus moaned of happiness. He closed his eyes and smiled, he was happy. Suddenly everything seemed so simple, the reason why he had never had feelings for someone before, it was that had been waiting for this boy, this man. He was the one who he was in love with. He was the one he would always be in love with. He knew it, he felt it in every single beat of his heart; he would never stop loving James Potter.

_Thanks __a __lot __for __faving __and __stuff, __here__'__s __the __continuation__ – __At __last!_

_Love_

_Apfel_


	6. Chapter 6

_**November **__**29, **__**1974**_

The Friday evening was about to come to an end, Severus sat in an armchair the common room and read.

Virgo, Samuel and Florence were playing a card game, sometimes they threw oblique glances at him, he saw them in his periphery over the edge of his book.

Another book about the Dark Arts, he had managed to borrow it from the restricted section. He must have read at least half of the library's stock of Dark Art books by now. It fascinated him, the Dark Arts.

"Snape", cried Virgo and Severus drew himself reluctantly from the book and looked up at them. "We're going to bed."

"Okay", Severus said and went back to his book.

Virgo, Samuel and Florence stood and watched him for a few seconds, and then they walked down the stairs to their respective dormitories.

Severus raised his head from the book and looked at the empty doorway where they had gone.

He sighed bitterly, they were boring, why did he not have friends who were a bit more like... Potter. His heart beat an extra time when he thought of him. Potter. After what had happened in the library about six months ago, he had not moved closer to Severus.

Perhaps they had exchanged a word or two, but never more, Potter walked quickly away every time Severus tried to talk to him, and he was always surrounded by friends, Severus did not dare to ask him for a conversation between four eyes. People would be wondering.

He had not told Lily about his feelings for Potter either, although he had thought of him, basically, every single day since the event in the library.

After that it was a fact, that he loved him, deeply, sincerely, and certainly stronger than he could ever love another human being.

The summer holiday had been slower than ever, he had been considering the idea of writing a letter to Potter, but had never had the courage to actually do it.

The books he read did not give him the same satisfaction anymore. He could not stop thinking about Potter.

Severus looked out over the oblong room, he was alone, everyone else had gone to bed. He looked at the clock, it was nearly half past one. He was not tired at all.

Virgo and Samuel would probably be talking in the dormitory for at least an hour before they fell asleep. Severus knew they were talking about him, he had seen their eyes when he entered the room, how they stopped as soon as he came within earshot.

It settled the matter, he did not go down to the dormitory now, but his brain did not concentrate on reading, so he decided to do what he had done quite often recently, he put the book in his bag, left it beside the armchair and walked out of the common room.

He did not know where he was going, but it did not matter, he liked to wander around in the castle at night. His shoes echoed on the stone steps as they walked up from the dungeons.

The entrance hall was almost black, but Severus did not light his wand, he had gone this way so many times that he knew it by heart. He closed his eyes, turned his brain off, and let his feet guide him.

They led him up the stairs, through corridors and suddenly, they stopped.

Severus stood still for a moment, still with his eyes closed and tried to gently bring the brain back to life.

Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked at the portrait of the Fat Lady. It had happened several times that he ended up outside the Gryffindor common room when he did not think of where he was going.

He sighed, it was like his body could feel Potter and wanted him to move closer to him. The Fat Lady was asleep in her portrait, with her head resting against the frame.

The idea struck him suddenly, what if he should sneak in? He knew the password and the Fat Lady never used to open her eyes when she was asleep, but only open the portrait when she heard the password.

Severus stood shilly-shallying in front of the sleeping lady. He had never gone into the Gryffindor common room without Lily before, and he had never been inside the boys' dormitory, but he knew where it was, the only thing he needed to do was to go through the common room, up the stairs, into Potter's dormitory and then... What would he do there anyway? Watch Potter when he was asleep?

The idea made his stomach move inside him and he bit his lips.

Just the thought of a sleeping Potter was beautiful and Severus looked at his watch. It was ten past one. Actually, the only problem with the plan was that a Gryffindor student still could be in the common room. But he doubted it, Slytherin's common room was almost always empty after midnight.

Severus had just decided to go in when he heard voices from far behind. Quickly he slid into a dark alcove in the wall and tried to make himself as small as possible. If it was a teacher coming he could get in trouble if he was found out in the castle at this time.

The voices got stronger and once again Severus recognised Potter's as one of them. Of course Potter was out walking in the castle at night as well, he always ignored the rules, Severus was surprised that he, even for a second, had believed that Potter would have been in bed.

"We should not", said a squeaky voice that Severus knew as Peter Pettigrew's.

"Yes, we should", replied a deep, steady voice that must belong to Black. "He can't be there alone all the time, haven't you seen what he looks like after every time?"

"Yes, he is going to kill himself one day", Potter's voice, Severus held his breath.

"But what can we do about it?" Said Pettigrew. "What if he kills us instead?"

"That's why we are going to be animals, clever", Black said. They were now arrived at the portrait, Severus slid down to the floor and pressed himself as close to the wall as he could, he dared not breathe.

"But Sirius, do you really think we can do that?" Said Pettigrew unconfident. "You have to be like... Really, really clever to do that."

"Well, at least that excludes you", snapped Black before he turned to the portrait. "Cloudberry jam", he said aloud to the Fat Lady who coughed before she, without opening her eyes, slid to the side while she mumbled slightly annoyed something about waking her in the middle of the night.

Black and Pettigrew continued to discuss when they climbed in through the hole. Potter stood quietly outside for a few seconds, Severus tried not to move a muscle, Potter turned and for a moment Severus thought he stared straight at him, he was sure he was caught, then Potter turned and disappeared out of sight into the portrait hole.

Severus sat there, pressed against the wall, until the Fat Lady had closed her portrait and gone back to her heavy sleep. Then he dared to breathe, he fell down on the floor, exhausted after the tense not to be heard or seen he let his feet slide out from the wall and leaned his back against it.

He leaned his head back and concentrated on breathing calmly.

He sat there for quite some time, for exactly how long he did not know, but after a while he began to think about what Potter, Black and Pettigrew had been talking about.

They had been talking about someone who was alone, someone who, apparently, was dangerous, who could kill them or himself, but who could it be? Was it a man? No, it could not be.

Black had said that they were going to turn themselves into animals, would they try to become Animagus'?

Severus snorted involuntarily of the thought, did they seriously think that they could do that? At the age of fourteen? Potter and Black did really overestimate themselves.

Severus closed his eyes, the silence that lay over him was calm and pleasant, maybe that was way he did not have time to react when the Fat Lady's portrait opened and someone jumped out the hole.

Potter. In a flash Potter had grabbed hold of the front of Severus' robe, and with an astonishing strength now pressed him against the wall and directed his glowing wand at his face.

"What did you hear?" His eyes penetrated Severus', they were narrow of arrogance and the brown colour was darkened so that they almost looked black. "What did you hear?" Repeated Potter and pressed Severus harder against the wall.

"Nothing..." stammered Severus as he gasped for air.

"Don't lie!" Potter shouted and shook him. "How much did you hear?"

"Nothing important at least", grumbled Severus, he had Potters elbow squeezed between his ribs, and he could feel his eyes water of pain. "Something about that you will turn into animals so you can see someone who might kill you..."

"Who?" Potter leaned closer to his face, and his elbow pushed even deeper between Severus' ribs, he was sure they would soon give way. "Did you hear who?"

"N-no", Severus got up from the tears of pain. Potter stood and stared at him with murderous, black eyes, then the pressure eased from the ribs and Potter let go of Severus' robe.

He took a step backwards, still with the wand height against Severus' face. Severus leaned forward automatically by the wave of pain and pushed his hands against his aching ribs while he coughed and breathed intermittently.

When he managed to breathe again, he raised his body and looked out of breath at Potter. His eyes had regained its brown colour, but they still stared at Severus with arrogance, his lips pressed together, he expressed strong anger and suspicion.

"Why are you here?" He asked monotonously. Severus could not help but be fascinated by Potter, even his voice was beautiful. Deep, firm, manly.

"I came to see you", Severus was amazed by how steady his own voice was, he should be nervous at a time like this, but now he felt no trace of nervousness. The only thing he felt was a burning area of attraction between him and Potter which grew for each second that passed.

Potter's face was equally adamant as his voice, his lips still pressed together and his eyebrows angrily bent, he was a hateful demonstration, but his eyes which were lit by his wand were more magical than ever before, and had a magnetism that Severus had never felt before.

Without knowing what he did, he took a step forward towards Potter, took a firm grip of his shoulders and kissed him. His lips shaped around Potter's and forced them to drift apart to let his tongue in. A jingle was heard when Potter's wand hit the floor and everything turned black around them. The moment was the most magical Severus had ever experienced, he left his body, flew among clouds, and still he was as present as he ever could.

Suddenly Potter's hands flew up to Severus' chest and pushed him away so fast that Severus flew into the wall behind him. It felt like his spine had broken in half, the pain went through his whole body and Severus could feel how tears were flowing down his cheeks again.

"Lumos", Potter's gasping voice was heard and the light was lit at the end of his wand. Potter was kneeling on the floor half a meter in front of Severus, with his mouth open and a wildly trembling breath, his eyes were now wide open and stared straight at Severus. He looked bestial, Severus could feel the attraction rise even higher inside him, he was going to break, any second he would explode into bits of the attraction.

The contact between their fiery eyes seemed to pulsate as their panting breaths.

Suddenly Potter stretched out a hand, grabbed Severus' robe and pulled him down to the floor. Severus felt a new wave of pain when his kneecaps hit the floor and created an echo around them, but soon he forgot about the pain when he found Potter's lips pressed against his own.

Potter released the grip of his wand, and soon everything had turned into darkness again. With his, now free hands, Potter took a convulsively grip around Severus' shoulders and forced him down on his back, without breaking the contact between their lips and tongues, which were dancing vigorously against each other.

Severus groaned and pulled up his hands to Potter's head, pulled his hands through his silky hair, while their kisses became increasingly harsh.

They groaned, sweated, tumbled around on the floor in a rough inferno of tongues and saliva.

But suddenly Potter pulled his face away, Severus groaned again and followed with his head to regain the contact with his lips.

But soon the weight of Potter's body over him went away and Severus could not see anything but darkness. He sat up and listened, his own quivering breath would drown all other sounds. Quickly he pulled the wand out of his pocket.

"Lumos", he stammered out between his respirations and a light flashed up.

Potter sat on the floor one meter in front of him, leaning against his hands behind him, his knees drawn up and a fiery glance at Severus, his chest was moving strongly with his breathing.

They sat still and looked into each others eyes, both gasping for breath, for how long Severus did not know, maybe seconds, maybe minutes. At last Potter got up on his feet and picked up his wand from the floor.

"Severus… I'm not gay", he said and looked down at Severus. "No one can know about this."

Severus said nothing; he could just stare into the brown, burning eyes. Potter gave him one last, murderous gaze, then he turned around and walked to the portrait of the Fat Lady who still slept in her framework.  
>"Cloudberry jam", he said. The Fat Lady did not move. "Hey, cloudberry jam!" Potter shouted and knocked on the frame. The Fat Lady shook her head in her sleep and mumbled something, then she opened and Potter climbed through the portrait hole without one more look at Severus.<p>

Severus would, for the rest of his life, remember this as his first, and perhaps his most erotic experience ever. The bruises he had all over his body for weeks testified that what had happened between him and James Potter had not been a dream.

_Love_

_Apfel_


	7. Chapter 7

_**April **__**26, **__**1975**_

Severus woke up when he heard the voice of Isaac Avery in the dormitory, he was talking loudly with Crabbe, Goyle and Nott, Severus did not know their first names, they were two years older than them but Avery socialised with them, pretty much all the time, and it was not uncommon that they were in their dormitory.

"Don't call him you-know-who", said Avery's voice. "It sounds like you're afraid of him."

"What shall I say then?" Snapped Crabbe.

"The Dark Lord", he heard Nott say with an important voice. "Everyone who doesn't fear him says that."

"What's his real name then?" Asked Goyle. Silence. Severus knew who they were talking about, Lord Voldemort, he had read about him in the newspapers, there were even books that he was mentioned in.

"Anyway", continued Avery. "My father was, like, his best friend when they were at school, so he'll, like, want me as a Death Eaters straight away. It's gonna be worse for you, maybe he'll need you to do some test or so, to ensure that you'll do well."

"A test?" Crabbe asked, horrified.

"Like… A school task…?" asked Goyle, even more horrified than Crabbe.

"You must be the dumbest people I know", Avery said angrily. Severus lay still in bed and stared at the green curtain, the only thing that distinguished him from them, he tried to breathe calmly to make them believe that he was still asleep.

"How can we make contact with him then?" Said Nott.

"That will be a minor problem", said Avery. "The problem is that he'll want us to be prepared, and we won't really learn how to become Death Eaters at this shitty school." They were silent for a while.

"That guy… Snape", said Nott quieter, Severus continued to breathe quietly. "He's in your class."

"He's a wimp", said Avery, still in normal conversation tone. "Do you think he would become a Death Eater?"

"No, I didn't mean that", said Nott.

"Then what did you mean?" Avery asked irritably.

"I've seen him", Nott began slowly. "He's always reading."

"Yes, because he's a wimp, we knew that", said Avery.

"Then you haven't seen what kinds of books he's reading", said Nott. Avery was quiet and Nott continued. "Ever since he came here, he has been reading about the Dark Arts, and it's not Defence Against the Dark Arts, it's real Dark Magic that he's reading about, quite advanced books as well, he must have found them in restricted section or bought them in Knockturn Alley. He must know quite a lot by now." Avery remained silent for several seconds until Crabbe coughed.

"Shut up", Avery snapped angrily. "If we're gonna watch that damn Quidditch match we've got to go now." Severus heard them open the door and leave.

"We need to talk to Snape", he heard Avery say to Nott. "If he agrees to teach us what he knows…" His voice died abruptly when the door slammed behind them.

Severus lay still in bed for ten minutes after the sound of footsteps on the stairs outside had gone.

Then he pulled the curtains to the side and sat up in bed. So, Avery and Nott wanted to become Death Eaters, Crabbe and Goyle seemed too stupid to understand what it meant, but they would follow Notts example, they had followed him ever since Lucius Malfoy graduated

But now it was only a matter of time before they would come to Severus and ask him about what he knew about the Dark Arts.

Severus could feel how an evil smile spread across his lips, he knew things about the Dark Arts that they would never even dare to dream of. And if they wanted to learn anything from him, it would be on his terms, this was his element, he was the one who had the power now.

He got dressed and went down to the Great Hall, it was almost empty, everyone was at the Quidditch match.

Quidditch was, as said, not Severus' favourite subject, actually, he was extremely uninterested in sports in general, but mostly because he could not concentrate on reading at the moment he pulled himself slowly towards the Quidditch pitch.

He climbed up on the Slytherin grandstand, but sat at the back to avoid the violent cheering Slytherins. The wind and drizzling made Severus glad he did not play Quidditch.

He almost regretted that he went there when the rain started to grow even stronger.

Then he caught sight of Potter. He flew around like a little red fly on his broom while the quaffle flew back and forth between him and the other Gryffindor chasers. The Slytherin chasers had no chance against Potter, Severus could tell.

He looked at Potters athletic body, it was almost six months since their violent snogging outside the Gryffindor common room, _he__is__slippery__as__a__snake_, thought Severus, he did not let himself get captured, Severus was certainly not the one who had power here, between him and Potter he was completely resigned. Potter was the one who set the rules.

Actually, he should not be allowed to have it his way, Severus should put him against the wall and tell him what he felt for him, then he could either say that he felt the same for him or not.

Severus was afraid of the answer, he would probably not dare to ask.

When the game was over and Severus walked back towards the castle, he met Lily, she was wearing red and yellow cheerleader clothes, and smiled broadly against Severus when she saw him.

"Bitter you lost?" She asked, grinning teasingly.

"What? No, not at all, you played a lot better", said Severus.

"Yes, we did, after all", said Lily cheerfully. "I didn't think you were interested in Quidditch? This must be the first game you've ever seen, right?"

"Sort of", Severus nodded.

"How come?" Asked Lily.

"I don't know", Severus said. "I suppose I didn't have anything better to do." They arrived at the castle, but Lily led Severus out to the courtyard instead.

The wind was still blowing and it was cold, but it had stopped raining.

Lily sat down on a bench by the wall of the castle, Severus sat next to her, and they watched the long line of students in black robes who were walking from the Quidditch pitch up to the castle.

Most of them looked happy, but some of them, the Slytherins, had bitter expressions on their faces.

Suddenly Severus caught sight of William Andersen, who was walking along with some other Hufflepuffs. He looked at him and Lily, Severus turned to Lily, she avoided Andersen's gaze.

"Have you been fighting?" He asked.

"Sort of", said Lily. "Or no, he's been boring since we got back from the Christmas holiday. Never had the time to see me, just wanted me to do his homework's for him. So yeah, I dumped him about a week ago."

"About a week ago?" Asked Severus. "And when were you going to tell me?"

"Don't know."

"Hey, Lily, we're best friends!"

"As if you tell me everything", said Lily.

"I do!" Said Severus.

"Don't lie, Sev", Lily said, she had a knowing glint in her eyes. "You have been out of focus throughout this school year, if not even longer, sometimes you sit and just stare at nothing and smile, and you never tell me why. You're in love, right?" Severus did not answer. "What's her name?" Asked Lily.

"Nothing", muttered Severus.

"Come on Sev, you can tell me." She put her hands on her knees and bowed her head to catch his eye contact. Severus lowered his eyes and shook his head.

"No, I can't." Quickly he got up and ran into the stream of students which brought him into the

castle.

He wanted to tell Lily about his feelings for Potter, but he was unsure how she would react. She was not the person who had preconceptions about people, that Potter was a man would probably not bother her, the problem was that he was Potter. She dismissed him ever since he had turned her hair purple, if Severus told her he was in love with him, what would she do?

Severus' feet led him up the stairs, the library, it was he's sanctuary. When he rounded a corner, he suddenly went straight into Albus Dumbledore.

"Severus", Dumbledore chuckled and held out his hands to Severus to prevent him from falling over.

"You have to be really distracted today, usually people can hear me from miles away." Severus backed quickly a few steps away from Dumbledore, while he felt the blush rise on his cheeks.

"Excuse me, professor," he said and his eyes flickered. "I... I didn't mean to." Dumbledore made him nervous, he was sure he had seen a bit too much when he saw Severus with Potter in the library that night.

"Off course you didn't mean to", said Dumbledore, and his steady gaze seemed to penetrate Severus' brain again and see things that it should not. "Did you see the Quidditch match as well? Hope you're not grumpy now cause Slytherin lost."

"What? No, I think Gryffindor played better", Severus said as he began to wonder why he ended up discussing Quidditch all the time when he didn't even like it.

"Oh, you think so?" said Dumbledore, smiling. "Not many people would be that honest about Quidditch matches between the houses." Severus was surprised when Dumbledore suddenly took a step closer to him. "By the way, are you still hanging out with James Potter?"

"Uh..." Severus began hesitantly. "No, I can't say I am actually, no."

"Okay", said Dumbledore, nodding seriously. "He's a good man, James, and a good friend. You two complete each other extremely well, did you know that? I don't know why you're not socialising anymore, but you should really consider making contact with him again." Severus stood silent for a few moments after Dumbledore had finished the sentence.

"Uh", he said again when he regained speak. "Okay... Well, actually..." he hesitated a few seconds before he continued. "Actually, he's the one who doesn't seem to want to see me so... I don't know... I don't want to be intruding..." Dumbledore looked thoughtful and nodded again.

"Honesty is rare", he said, looking down at Severus. "Sometimes it scares people, so maybe you have to take hold of things to make a difference. If you value your friendship with James, you should definitely try to regain the contact with him; it's well worth it if you become friends again." Dumbledore straightened up and put his glasses up on his nose, then he laid a hand on Severus' shoulder and smiled at him. "Honesty is important, it's something you should be proud of, see you later, Severus."

Then he walked past Severus and disappeared out of sight when he rounded the corner. Severus stood still and stared at the place where he had disappeared. His thoughts were interrupted by Ivan Ossoinak who walked by with a flute in his hand.

"Dumbledore", he said monotonously and nodded. "I know, he is a bit mad." He walked down the corridor and continued looking at his flute.

Severus shook his head and continued to walk towards the library. _Has__Hogwarts__turned__into__a__mental__hospital?_ He thought as he went in through the library entrance.

He found an armchair in a secluded corner, sank down in it. Kicked off his shoes and pulled out one of the Dark Arts books that he was reading. He began to read. Read, but soon realised that he could not concentrate.

Angrily he closed the book and dropped it on the floor next to his bag. Potter, Potter, Potter, the brain had got used to think of him twenty-four hours a day so by now he was usually able to focus pretty good at reading though Potter was always there.

But at the moment his brain was overflowing of thoughts, first Potter of course, but then Avery and Nott who would come and question him about the Dark Arts in order to become Death Eaters, and then Lily, who wondered who he was in love with and now Dumbledore who had said that he should make friends with Potter. And on top of that Ossoinak who had suddenly begun to slide around like a ghost with his flute. It was too much. Severus' brain could not deal with all this at once.

"Fuck!" He groaned angrily and leaned his head back. He received a number of hushes from students on the other sides of the walls of bookshelves. Severus sighed instead_.__But__okay,__if__Dumbledore__wants__me__to__make__friends__with__James__Potter,__so__be__it!_ He decided. They might not be friends, even less lovers, but he did not care, he decided to confront Potter, be honest and tell him exactly how he felt. As soon as possible, before he could change his mind, perhaps even today. Where was Potter now? Probably in the Gryffindor common room to celebrate their victory over Slytherin. Severus sighed again. Nothing could ever be simple.

"Snape", Avery's voice was suddenly heard and followed by a polyphonic hushing from all around the room. So it was time now, thought Severus and looked up. Before him stood Avery, Nott, Crabbe and Goyle.

"I told you he would be in the library", said Nott.

"Yes", said Severus, trying to look cool and busy. "What do you want?"

"We want to talk to you", said Avery. Another irritated hush was heard around them. "Private." He added even louder and looked at Severus.

"What do you want to talk about?" Asked Severus. Nott took a few steps closer and leaned forward.

"Dark Arts", he whispered.

"And what do you need me for?" Asked Severus.

"We're not talking here, we have to take it where no one else can hear", said Avery behind Nott and another lot of anger hushes came in answer.

"Come", whispered Nott, Severus pretended to think for a moment whether he would come or not, then he put on his shoes, took his bag and followed the boys out of the library.

They led him into an empty classroom in a desolate part of the castle. When they were all inside the door Nott shut it. Severus sat down on a bench and looked at Avery, waiting.

"So?" He said shortly. "What are you talking about?" Avery looked quickly at Nott and then back at Severus again. Crabbe and Goyle looked around them and seemed not even understand where they were.

"Do you know who I'm talking about when I say the Dark Lord?" Asked Avery with a mannered creepy voice.

"I know", Severus nodded.

"He's allying death eaters at the moment", continued Avery and made his voice as if he was telling a ghost story. "We intend to join him."

"Why?" Asked Severus.

"And if we do, he will be valuing our knowledge of dark magic", Avery said without bothering to answer the question. "But as you know we don't learn that kind of magic at this school."

"No", Severus said and raised his eyebrows.

"That's why we must learn it on our own", said Nott and stepped forward from the door.

"So you'll learn the Dark Arts in order to join the Dark Lord?" Severus said, looking from Avery to Nott, ignored Crabbe and Goyle.

"Correct", said Avery.

"And what exactly do I have to do with this?" Asked Severus as if he did not know the answer. Avery and Nott exchanged a glance.

"You know quite a bit about the Dark Arts, right?" Nott said, nodding towards Severus' bag where he could catch a glimpse of all his books.

"True", said Severus. "That's because I read, you should try it, and you'll learn as well." Avery and Nott looked silently at each other before they re-turned to Severus.

"You have to teach us everything you know about the Dark Arts", said Avery, he apparently tried to sound angry and intimidating. "And how we use them."

Severus looked condescendingly at Avery and Nott.

"And what have I to gain from this, if I may ask?" He said with a cold and toneless voice. Avery and Nott looked grim but somewhat surprised, they had probably not expected Severus to present ultimatums. "You don't even like me, so why would I teach you things you can learn just as well by yourself?" There was silence in the room, the only sound was Crabbe's and Goyle's deep breaths.

"We can pay", Avery said slowly after a while.

"What with?" Asked Severus.

"What do you want?" Asked Avery. Severus thought about it, what did he want? Potter. Potter was the only thing he wanted at the moment. He could not think of anything else.

"I will think it over", he said. "Do you know, more specifically, what it is you want to learn?"

"Dark Arts", Avery said with a shrug. Severus raised his eyebrows again.

"You don't know what kind of Dark Arts you want to learn?"

"What it needs to become Death Eaters", Avery said with another shrug. Severus sighed and jumped down from the bench.

"You are pathetic", he said and started walking towards the door.

"Wait", shouted Avery before he had reached it. Severus sighed again and turned around.

"Just because I read about Dark Arts it doesn't mean I know what the Dark Lord is thinking or how he wants his Death Eaters to be", he said. "Make sure you have all the facts involved, then come back and we can talk further." They remained standing for a while and exchanged glances.

Then Severus nodded, turned and walked out, he smiled viciously as he closed the door behind him.

The following day was Sunday. If it had been a normal Sunday, Severus had probably been looking out for Lily to discuss the week with her. But not today, he did not want to talk to her, did not want her to ask problematic questions again. Severus skipped breakfast, he was not hungry, instead he put his robe on and went outside.

The cold and damp winter weather had stubbornly remained through March and the summer seemed miles away. Severus wrapped his robes tighter around him and went down to the lake. There he stood for a long time and looked out over the black water that rippled in the wind that came ashore and found its way inside Severus' robes.

"And there you are", said suddenly a toneless voice behind him. Severus turned and saw Ivan Ossoinak standing a few feet away from him, with the flute in his hand as usual. "It's nice, the lake I mean, like a brain filled with black thoughts that just swirl around down there and then... Everything just vanishes." Silence between them, Severus found no words, Ossoinak nodded after a moment and turned around and began to walk along the water.

"Wait", Severus shouted and ran after him. Ossoinak turned around and looked at Severus, they were almost exactly the same length.

"Yes?" He asked in his usual monotone voice, Severus had never noticed it before, but when he stood in front of him he saw that Ossoinak's eyes glittered in a bright, icy blue colour, blank staring at Severus.

"Who are you?" Was all Severus could say.

"My name is Ossoinak", replied Ossoinak and continued to walk along the water. "Pronounce it how you want, I don't mind."

"I didn't mean like that", said Severus and joined Ossoinak's calm pace. "You just seem so..." he looked for a word that would not sound insulting.

"Strange?" Ossoinak filled in. "That's right, I am strange, but actually, you are too."

"But you are more than just strange", said Severus. "You are... I can't put words to it but, yes, excuse me for saying it, but strange is probably the mildest I would call you." Ossoinak's facial expression was still quite pale, firm and expressed nothing at all. He stopped and turned his empty gaze towards Severus.

"Honesty", he said. "Was that what Dumbledore was talking to you about?"

"Yes, but..."

"You have it, honesty I mean, it's good. I will be honest with you, I'll tell you everything you want to know about me. I don't know when and I don't really want to, but I know I will." He patted Severus on the shoulder, and then he put his hands behind his back and started walking, gliding, back towards the castle.

"What?" Spat Severus out and ran in front of him, blocked his way. "What do you mean? How can you know?"

"I know", replied Ossoinak.

"But how? Are you in the divination class?"

"No", he shook his head. "Are you?"

"No", replied Severus.

"Good", Ossoinak nodded and smiled a weak, joyless smile before he walked past Severus and slid back up the hill towards the castle. Severus was stood and stared after him until he was out of sight.

"Good?" He repeated. The boy was crazy, it was a fact that was obvious to him.

Severus did not know what to do, to think of Ossoinak and try to find some clarity in what he said made him only more confused. He shook his head and tried to think of something else. Potter. Of course, he began to think of him again, he had to talk to him as soon as possible, today, yes, he would force himself to talk to him today, but he had no idea of where Potter would be all day. _I__'__ll__send__him__a__letter_, he thought firmly. _I__'__ll__send__him__a__letter__and__write__that__I__want__to__meet__and__talk__only__the__two__of__us_.

Ossoinak had left behind an eerie feeling, and when Severus looked around he saw a faint mist which began to creep over the lake. He shivered and turned around so that the cloak fluttered behind him as he walked the same path as Ossoinak had gone up towards the castle.

Outside the doors into the entrance hall he saw Avery, Nott, Crabbe and Goyle, they talked about something, when they saw Severus they fell silent abruptly and all four looked at him. Severus said nothing, they had to come to him when they were clear about what they wanted his help with. He nodded at them, after which he went into the castle. He started to run up the stairs from the entrance hall, but stopped half way up when he heard a familiar voice from above the stairs.  
>"...just stop being like that all the time!" Cried Lilys voice, she sounded upset.<p>

"What do you mean stop? It's like telling you to stop being a swot, it just doesn't work!" Severus felt his stomach jump when he heard Potter's voice, he sounded angry as well.

A loud bang was heard and red sparks flew down the stairs. Soon Potter's body came rolling down the stairs, his arms and legs seemed to be glued to his body and he screamed in pain when he met a new step.

Severus stood there, frozen in the middle of the staircase, not knowing what to do. When Potter hit the floor with another whimper the spell eased and he raised himself up stiffly.

"Evans!" He yelled and started to stiffly run up the steps. Severus saw how his eyes had turned black again, they flashed with anger. He disappeared out of sight again, but soon came another wave of sparks of different colours raining down from the stairs and both Lily and Potter appeared. Lily first, half running, dishevelled hair and with eyes that could kill.

Soon after her was Potter, he raised his wand and fired off a spell towards Lily, she turned around and averted it in the last second. Then she shot out one from her own wand, Potter duck and it flew into the wall behind him where it was crushed and sparks rained over the stairs.

They were down in the Hall now. A load of students had gathered to watch the duel and now formed a circle around them.

"God, I hate you Potter! You are the most immature, stupid, ugly, disgusting... " cried Lily while her wand spewed out incantations against Potter.

"Oh yeah, you really think everyone loves you, Evans!" Cried Potter. "You really don't understand you have no friends? Those who you call friends are using you only because they know you'll study for them, you're pathetic!" Severus saw how Lily's eyes watered, but she continued the duel anyway.

Their spells became increasingly wild and misguided, they collided with each other, flew up into the ceiling, out among the spectators, it was a chaos.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor!" Roared suddenly Professor McGonagall's voice from the top of the stairs and the wands flew out of the hands of Lily and Potter. None of them cared about, neither the lose of their wands, nor Professor McGonagall's presence, from opposite directions of the entrance hall they flew into each other and a wild non magic fight broke out between them.

"Oh you two! You should be ashamed!" Shouted McGonagall louder and waved her wand over them.

As by invisible hands they were torn apart and now lay writhing on the floor a few feet from each other without being able to move more than a few inches either way.

Professor McGonagall pushed herself down the stairs and came down to where they were, both with a murderous look at the other.

"You have more important things to do, get out!" Shouted McGonagall and looked around at the large group of people in the hall. The students quickly began to crowd and jostle to get away from the entrance hall as quickly as possible, it depopulated rapidly, the students walked away in different directions.

"Hello", said suddenly a hoarse voice behind Severus. Severus turned around. It was Remus Lupin, who stood on the step above him.

"Hello", replied Severus.

"Did you see how it started?" He asked.

"No", replied Severus. "Did you?"

"No." Lupin looked down towards the entrance hall where the two figures were writhing like fish on dry land in front of McGonagall. The entrance hall was almost empty now.

"Come", said Lupin and went ahead down the stairs. Severus followed him slowly. They stayed at the foot of the stairs near the railing.

Professor McGonagall's face was bright red when she looked down at Potter and Lily whose struggling was not quite as wild any more. She waved her wand over them and the invisible forces that pushed them against the floor disappeared.

Lily stood up onto her feet, her left shoulder pulled excessively forward and back, her hair was a mess and on one cheek, she had a big purple boil and all parts of her body were filled with bruises and scratches from their physical fight.

Potter just raised his upper body up, he sat on the floor rubbing his knee, his robe was torn and blood trickled down to the floor. His body was covered with lacerations and bruises, one of his eyelids was swollen up and was disproportionate and had adopted a bright green colour. His glasses lay between him and Lily, crushed.

"You two are coming with me to Professor Dumbledore's office", said Professor McGonagall. She looked like a balloon containing too much air, Severus was sure she was soon going to explode and scream profanities at Lily and Potter. But she did not. Instead, she mended Potter's glasses with a tap with her wand, then she pushed him and Lily quickly before her up the stairs.

Severus and Lupin stood below the steps and looked after them until they had gone out of sight. Then Lupin turned to Severus.

"She's really angry", he said slowly. Severus nodded.

"What do you reckon will happen to them now?" He asked.

"They won't be expelled, will they?" Asked Peter Pettigrew who had just walked up behind them. Lupin was silent.

"Lily can't be expelled", said Severus. "She has never broken a rule before." Lupin and Pettigrew nodded and looked at each other.

"James on the other hand..." Lupin said. Severus could feel how his throat was drawn together at the thought that Potter might be expelled.

"Where's Sirius?" Pettigrew asked suddenly.

"Don't know", said Lupin, looking around as if he expected to see Black next to him. "In the common room perhaps." Pettigrew nodded.

"Shall we go?" He asked. "James and Lily will probably come there when the headmaster's finished with them." Lupin nodded.

"Yes", he said quietly as he looked up at the stairs where Lily and Potter had gone. "Yeah, let's go." Him and Pettigrew started to walk up the stairs, Severus stood beneath it without knowing what to do. He had completely forgotten about the letter he had intended to write to Potter. Lupin stopped at the stairs when he saw that Severus didn't move.

"Are you coming, Severus?" He asked with a hoarse voice and looked at Severus.

"Uh", Severus began hesitantly and looked around, no Slytherins were about. "I don't know... Maybe I shouldn't... You know, I'm a Slytherin..." Lupin looked at Pettigrew for a moment, then turned his eyes towards Severus again.

"Lily was upset yesterday", he said. "She wanted to talk to you. I think she wants you to be there when she gets back." Severus felt like a heavy stone had been placed in his stomach, he should not have run away from Lily the day before.

"Okay", he said and started walking. "I'm coming."

"Good", nodded Lupin and they began to walk together up the stairs and through corridors towards the Gryffindor common room.

On their way they met Virgo and Samuel, they gave Severus dark eyes as they passed. Lupine saw it.

"Lily's upset about that some people don't think that you should be friends with people from different houses", he said. "And I agree with her, it's silly, really, we're all at the same school."

"Maybe we should just abolish school houses", Pettigrew said in an attempt to sound as clever as Lupin.

"It would almost be better", said Lupin, with no enthusiasm in his voice. "But then there would probably be more open quarrels and arguments, if everyone was together."

"Well…" said Pettigrew apparently not quite understanding what Lupin said.

"Anyway", said Lupin and threw back his brown hair. "I suppose we just have to integrate ourselves, you know you are always welcome with us, if you don't want to hang out with the people from your class."

"Thanks", said Severus, feeling a bit awkward because of Lupin's kindness.

"Sprudlewater", said Lupin, when they reached the portrait of the fat lady. She smiled at them all three, she never gave Severus strange looks these days, she had even begun to say hello to him when he walked past. The portrait slid open and Lupin, Pettigrew and Severus climbed in.

There were a lot of people in the circle shaped room, they sat in groups and talked quietly.

"There's Sirius", Lupin said and walked towards one of the circular tables that was standing in a dark corner. Black was sat down, deeply absorbed in a newspaper, he looked grim.

"Hello there", said Lupin and sat down beside him. Black looked up, he did not look happier to see them.

"Hi", he murmured. Severus sank down in a red armchair, most of the Gryffindor students were used to him being in their common room, and he did not get many disliking looks.

"Did you see what happened between James and Lily?" Lupin asked.

"No, I missed it", Black murmured.

"Is that why you're grumpy?" Pettigrew asked surprised.

"No", Black said and flicked the back of Pettigrew's head. "I'm grumpy because James is so fucking irresponsible that he starts a fight with Lily Evans, all teacher's favourite student. He's surely getting kicked out now." The silence that followed was unpleasant, everyone knew that the risk that Potter would get expelled because of this was imminent.

They waited inside the Gryffindor common room for more than an hour, then the portrait opened and suddenly Lily and James stood in the room, their faces were restored from their incantations, but they looked still worn out and had bruises and scratches on all parts of their bodies that their clothes did not cover.

Everything in the room stopped, everyone's eyes turned to James and Lily. Severus, who had just been playing chess with Lupin looked from Lily to Potter, it felt like he was facing a choice, as if he should choose between his best friend and his love. Terrible. After a few seconds of silence Black got up from his chair and walked up to Potter.

"Have you been expelled?" he asked, still with a grim tone in his voice.

"No", answered Potter, he's voice as grim as Black's. "But I've got detention… For three weeks." Severus heard some people laugh and conversations started to fill the room again. Lupin and Pettigrew had stood up and walked now up to Potter. Severus also got up, walked past Potter and up to Lily.

"How are you?" he asked carefully. Lily didn't answer. Her eyes were red-rimmed and shiny as if she was about to cry again.

"Let's go somewhere, shall we?" he asked. "And we can talk about it…" When he did not get an answer he took Lily's arm and was about to bring her out of the room, but Lily pulled her arm out of his grip and stepped away from him.

"You really don't get it, do you?" She sobbed. Tears where now running down her cheeks, she stood there for a moment and looked at Severus. Then she turned and ran up the stairs to the girls' dormitory.

"But…", cried Severus. "What have I done?" He felt like crying as well. He did not want to make Lily sad, what had he done wrong?

"What was that about?" asked Lupin surprised behind Severus.

"No idea", Severus said and felt pitiful.

"Strange", said Lupin. "Last night she spoke of you for hours and said she wanted to see you."

"That girl Evans", said Potter who had just walked up behind them. "I'm guessing she doesn't know what she's on about sometimes." Severus turned around to face Potter, now he had his chance.

"Potter", he said and took one step closer towards him.

"Yes?" said Potter.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Uh, sure."

"Alone."

"Why?" asked Black.

"It's important", said Severus. "It only concerns the two of us." He looked up into Potters eyes, he must have understood by Severus' gaze what he wanted and nodded.

"Okay", he said. "Come, let's go." He turned around and climbed out of the portrait hole. Severus followed, they left Black, Lupin and Pettigrew with confused expressions.

Potter led Severus in to an empty classroom. When he had closed the door he turned to Severus again and looked at him with his brown, enchanting eyes. Severus swallowed, he wanted nothing more than to get closer to him.

"So", said Potter. "What do you want?"

Severus took a deep breath.

"I want an answer", he said with a steady voice.

"Answer?" Potter raised his eyebrows. Severus nodded and took another deep breath.

"I am in love with you", he saw how Potters eyes widened in surprise by his words. "I have been in love with you since you walked me to my common room last year. Or well, that's when I realised I'm in love with you, but I have been for longer, much longer, the first time I saw you I knew there was something special with you." He ended his monologue and looked at the floor when he felt he was blushing. "And honestly; I can't stand seeing you at class or round in the corridors without knowing. So now I need an answer", he said, almost in despair. "Do you feel anything for me at all?" He looked up at Potter.

Potter was quiet. He looked back at Severus. Then he slowly walked up to him and put his arms around his upper body. Severus drew his arms over Potter's shoulders and leaned his forehead against him. He was complete again. As soon as him and Potter touched he was complete.

Although he could not escape the feeling that Potter was not going to say something positive.

"I'm sorry", Potter whispered quietly. "I'm sorry Severus, but I can't…" Severus took a firmer grip around Potter's shoulders and Potter held his arms tightly around Severus' waist.

They stood there, for long. Until Potter's grip eased again. Severus reluctantly let go of Potter and his heart seemed to wilt when Potter took a step backwards and their bodies where apart.

"What do you mean?" asked Severus.

"That I can't give you an answer", Potter said, his eyes where shining behind the glasses. "I don't know whether I have feelings for you or not." Severus sighed. "Let me thing about it", Potter said. "Let's see how we feel when we meet again after the summer holiday."

"After the summer holiday?" Severus heard how his voice broke with despair. "Do you know for how long I've been waiting for you?"

"I know", said Potter. "I'm Sorry Severus, but I don't know at all what I feel right now." That was the last thing he said before he turned around and walked out through the classroom door. Severus stood there, alone in an empty classroom and stared at the door that had just closed after Potter. It would be a long and unbearable summer holiday.

The following three months felt more like three years. Avery and Nott had been stalking Severus every day and asked him about Dark Arts. Lily had been acting strange too, she did not speak to Severus for several weeks after what happened in the Gryffindor common room.

After a while she would let him sit at the same table in the library when they studied, then successively she began to speak to him, and by the end of the term they felt almost like friends again.

Severus had not been happy when he got home to Spinners End, he never was, but it felt easier than the last summer holidays. It was a relief not having to see Potter every day, and to get away from Avery's and Nott's questions about Dark Arts. But to come home was never jolly.

Severus spent most time of the holiday reading, often he brought the books outside and sat down somewhere, far from the house. He often went to Lily's house, he was always welcome there, by everyone except Petunia of course. Lily had returned to her normal self again, Severus had not asked her about what had happened and why she had acted like she did, he could not bother bringing it up, it might make her sad again.

_Wooooo..._

_Love_

_Apfel_


	8. Chapter 8

_**July 27, 1975**_

The twenty-seventh of July was a Sunday, Severus was woken up by a knocking on the window.

Surprised he looked out through it and saw a brown owl sitting on the window ledge. _It __must __be __from __Avery,_he thought when he opened the window, the owl flew in and glided a lap around the room before it landed on the desk.

Avery had sent him a number of letters during the summer, all of them contained, basically, the same thing; he wanted to know something more about the Dark Arts. Severus had written down some simple facts, and given him tips about books that could be relevant, but as they could not perform magic outside Hogwarts it was, basically, pointless to try and teach him something.

Avery's letters had always come with a grey owl, that was why Severus got surprised to see this brown one sit on his desk and look at him with wondering eyes.

It had a letter tied at it's foot; _Severus__Snape,_was written on the envelope. Severus took the envelope and opened it, convinced it would be from Avery who, for some reason, had sent another owl.

The piece of parchment paper was small, as were the four words that were written on it, in black ink.

_I miss you_

_James_

Severus stood motionless with the piece of parchment in his hand and stared at it. Was this true? Was it really James Potter who had written this? The thought that someone else had written and sent it as a bad joke came up at once, but he shook it off as soon as it had come. Nobody, not even Lily knew about his feelings for Potter, and besides, if it was someone else, they would have written Potter's whole name, not only his first name.

Severus felt how the exuberating feeling of happiness started to flow through him again. So Potter had decided now? He wanted him? Severus felt how he began to smile a broad smile. Why could August not just fly past so that he could go back to Hogwarts and see Potter?

"What is that?" said suddenly a rough and angry voice. Severus jumped by the sound and quickly hid the letter behind his back.

In the doorway stood Tobias, he stared at the brown owl on the desk, he's eyes were black.

"An owl", Severus answered.

"I can see it's an owl", Tobias said angrily. "I don't want it in my house, throw it out of here. Now!" His depthless eyes stared angrily down at Severus. Severus nodded.

"Yes sir", he answered and stretched out his arm, the owl jumped up on it straight away and Severus walked past Tobias out of his room, through the sitting room and out of the house.

He could hear that Tobias followed him to the front door, and could feel his gaze burn on his neck when he walked down the street.

Soon he could hear a bang that proved that Tobias had just slammed the door shut.

Severus sighed, without looking back he carried on walking until he reached the playground. The playground where he had spoken to Lily for the very first time, where he told her about her magical powers, and where they, a few years earlier had mixed blood and entered their holy promise to never…

"Fall in love…", Severus whispered to himself.

Severus sat down on a swing, the owl flapped up from his arm and sat on the other swing. The swing on which he had sat when they mixed blood and made their promise, Lily had sat on the swing which he sat on now.

She had seemed so sure, so certain she would never fall in love. Severus had also been sure that he himself would never fall in love, but he had been as sure Lily would.

Now they had both broken their promises, in fact, he did not know if Lily had really been in love with William Andersen, he doubted it. But he had at least broken the promise. And he had broken it hard. He was so deeply in love with James Potter that he knew he would never get the same feelings for another person.

The brown owl interrupted Severus' thoughts by biting his hand, it was wondering if he was going to write a replay. Severus could not think of a good way to answer Potter's letter, it was nothing really to answer. No questions.

"No, I'm not writing a replay, just fly away", he said and shooed the owl away, it lifted from the swing with a grumpy look at Severus.

He was not going to write a replay now. Maybe he would write something later and send his bat with it. But not now.

August 1975 was one of the longest months in Severus' life. He had been outside most of the time, even though it had been raining, basically, all summer.

He had been walking around out in the rain, as if to rinse away all the thoughts that filled his head, he had not succeeded, the thoughts continued. It felt good physically as well to walk around in the rain, he liked it.

When finally the first of September came Severus had started about twenty letters to Potter which had all ended up in the bin. He had not sent a replay. Now he began to curse himself for it. Potter might take it as a disaffirmation.

_For some reason fanfiction thought it nice to remove all the spaces between the words in my Italic texts. I'm quite p***ed off cause of that as I realised it after publishing seven chapters But f*ck it, can't bother deleting again._

_Love_

_Apfel_


	9. Chapter 9

_**September 1, 1975**_

It was Monday, the raindrops run their silent paths down the window, the sky was grey, everything outside the window was grey.

Severus sat at his desk, it was almost eleven 'o clock, he had been awake since seven, and just been walking around his room, tried to think of things that he had forgotten to pack, but without succeeding.

His trunk was packed and stood at the edge of his bed. On top of it was the cage with his bat inside, it had come in a few minutes after Severus woke up, now it was hanging upside down, sleeping.

Severus let his gaze sweep through the room again, he could not find anything that he had forgotten this time either. He sighed and leaned his elbows on the desk.

He was already wearing his robes. He had not bothered to put on muggle clothes last year either for the journey to Hogwarts, of course he got strange looks by muggles, but he would get those looks even without robes.

Suddenly he could hear a crash from the sitting room, followed by a heartrending scream from Eileen. Severus felt like his heart flew up towards his throat, Tobias had beaten her before, she refused to admit it, but Severus knew; he had seen the bruises that she tried to cover with make up and clothes.

When another bang was heard he got up on his feet and ran to the sitting room.

Eileen sat on the floor, with her knees drawn up to her face and her eyes screaming with despair. Her left cheek was glowing of the mark of Tobias palm.

Tobias, who had been hunched down above her now turned to Severus, and it was like flames of hate flashed in his eyes when he saw Severus dressed in the black wizard clothes.

Severus did not think, he's body acted without the brain. Without hesitation he had got his wand out and pointed it at Tobias at the same time as he's vocal cords shouted:

"Sectumsempra!" Tobias body was thrown down on the floor and started to cramp while holes where ripped up in his body and blood shot out of the wounds. He screamed in pain.

Severus felt the fire in his own eyes and his teeth were so tightly pressed together that they were about to crush when he took a few steps closer to Tobias on the floor.

Soon he was standing right in front of him, he looked down at him, at his black eyes which now shone with pain while the blood still streamed out of him.

"Stop it!" Shouted Eileen suddenly. Severus turned around and looked at her for a second, then he looked back at Tobias and stopped the torture. Tobias' body got still on the floor.

"He deserves it", said Severus without taking his eyes from Tobias.

"Get out of here!" Tobias shouted, he's voice sounding horse as if he was choking, he tried to raise his upper body on his arms but failed and fell down in the puddle of blood.

Eileen crawled past Severus and helped Tobias up on his knees. Severus stood as frozen and watched them, Tobias leaned on Eileen, he slowly lifted his head and his gaze met Severus' in a wave of hate.

"Get out", he whispered. Severus got his consciousness back, while his heart seemed to have left his body he ran into his room, got his trunk and the birdcage and pulled them with him back out, through the sitting room where Tobias and Eileen still sat on the floor, both covered in blood. Without looking at them he opened the door and walked out where he was met by the ruthless rain.

He found it hard to breathe and his body seemed to be heavier, he's brain had still not realised what he had done, or at least not the probable consequences of it.

Soon he stood, soaking wet, in front of the door to the Evans' house. He could not cry, not when he told Lily and her parents what he had done, not when they offered him to stay with them next summer, not when they drove him and Lily to Kings Cross, not on the train. He could not cry.

Professor McGonagall had found him as soon as he got inside the Great Hall and told him Professor Dumbledore wanted to speak to him the following morning, she had given him directions to Dumbledore's office and then put a hand on his shoulder and given him a rare look of sympathy before she rushed up to the Sorting Hat.

The next morning Severus went to the seventh floor and found the sculpture of a gargoyle, apparently it was the entrance to Dumbledore's office.

He was worried about what Dumbledore would say, he obviously knew about the curse that Severus had thrown on Tobias. Did this mean he was to be expelled? Or maybe even sent to Azkaban?

"Gingerbread house", Severus felt stupid when he said the password, but soon the sculpture came alive and jumped aside, the wall behind it opened and a winding staircase that slowly moved upwards was shown behind it.

Severus stepped through the opening in the wall and stood on the staircase that took him up while the wall closed behind him.

Soon he faced a door made of oak. He took a deep breath and knocked.

"Come in", Dumbledore's voice said from inside. Severus opened the door and walked into the circular room. Professor Dumbledore sat behind his desk.

"Severus", he said and waved at him to come closer. "Have a seat." Severus walked slowly up and sat on the chair in front of Dumbledore's desk.

"How are you?" Dumbledore asked and looked wondering at Severus over the top of his glasses.

"Good", Severus answered but could hear himself how his voice witnessed about the opposite.

"Not too good I'm guessing", said Dumbledore.

"I know what this is about", Severus said. "Am I going to be expelled?" he asked and looked at Dumbledore.

"No, you're not", Dumbledore answered. "People from the Ministry of Magic have been at your house and the curse that you put on your father is classified as self defence. But you are going to get a written warning, so you ought to follow the rules from now. Which I certainly believe you will." Severus looked down on his lap again.

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" Dumbledore asked, Severus sighed and forced himself to look up and meet Dumbledore's gaze.

"No", he said quietly.

"Are you sure? I just get the feeling there is something you might need to tell somebody."

Severus chewed his lower lip, then he shook his head silently.

"Okay", said Dumbledore and leaned back in his chair. "If there is anything you'd like to talk about, just knock on the door, now you know where I am. You may leave now." He smiled. Severus did not smile back, he nodded and stood up.

"Thank you, professor", he said before he turned around and walked out of the room.

When he ran down the stairs he thought it was miraculous that he did not get any kind of punishment for what he had done. The only explanation he could think of was that Dumbledore must have had defended him against the Ministry of Magic, he was sure they would have sent him straight to Azkaban for performing Sectumsempra on a defenceless muggle.

However, he could not go back to Spinner's End after this school year, the thought was scary but not completely unwelcome; he did not want to go back anyway. He basically had to find another place to stay during the summer. And if he would not, he could always stay at Lily's.

This series of events made the thoughts of Potter almost go away completely. When he, at lunch, saw him come in through the doors to the Great Hall everything suddenly came back over him like a wave of feelings and his heart began to beat harder.

Behind Potter came Black, Lupin and Pettigrew, they sat down at the Gryffindor table. Severus sat at the Slytherin table with Virgo, Samuel and Florence.

He watched Potter when he sat down, facing the other direction, he had not seen him.

"What are you looking at?" Virgo asked and Severus quickly turned his eyes away from Potter.

"Nothing", he answered and carried on eating.

"He was looking at the Gryffindor table again", Samuel said.

"Why are you in Slytherin at all?" asked Virgo with a grim sigh.

"Well, don't ask me, you idiot, ask that bloody sorting hat!" Severus snapped angrily. Obviously a little too loud because a number of eyes turned in their direction.

Virgo's, Samuel's and Florence's eyes where wide as plates, Severus had never spoken to them like that before, he had probably never spoken like that to anyone before. He did not know why he said it, it had just slipped out of his mouth, he had said it without thinking.

He quickly stood up, threw his bag over his shoulder and walked quickly out of the Great Hall. He felt how he was followed by curious gazes and breathed out when he got out of sight in the Entrance Hall.

He leaned against the wall and took deep breaths. Tried to calm down. Then suddenly Potter stood in front of him. He did not smile, he had a very neutral facial expression.

"Hello", Severus said slowly.

"Did you get my letter?" Potter asked.

"Yes."

"You didn't write back."

"No. I'm sorry." They stood there and looked at each other. Potter's gaze was gleaming with life and Severus suddenly forgot all about Tobias, the Ministry of Magic and Dumbledore. All he knew now was that Potter filled him with a kind of warmth that he did not believe he would be able to feel. Some loud students walked past them and Potter moved his weight from one foot to the other.

"Erm…", he began. "Do you want to meet… Tonight?" He rubbed the floor with his shoe and followed it with his gaze when he said it.

"Yes", Severus nodded.

"Here, at midnight?"

"Okay."

"Okay." Potter turned around and walked back into the Great Hall. Severus stayed still for a few seconds. Then he went to the library.

Virgo and Samuel were glaring at him from the table were they sat when he left the common room at quarter to twelve that night. They did not ask where he was going, they had not spoken to him at all that evening, not after what he said in the Great Hall.

Although Severus did not suffer from them not speaking to him, they had never been very close friends anyway.

During the day he had been trying to force his brain to concentrate on the school tasks which came flowing from all teachers, but without succeeding.

Avery had followed him all day and gone on about Dark Arts, Severus had basically not had the time to dedicate Potter and their meeting deeper thoughts.

But when he now stepped out of the Slytherin common room he felt how his body began to tremble in nervousness. He tried to take deep breaths and tensed his body when he, slowly, walked up the stairs that would lead him to the Entrance Hall.

He was early, even though he was sure Potter would be late he had gone early. But that was just the way it was; he was early, Potter was late, maybe that was what Dumbledore had been talking about when he said that they completed each other.

He walked into the Entrance Hall ten minutes to twelve. The hall lay deserted in front of him, a weak light from a new moon was strained through the windows and gave the room a dark blue light. Severus was just going to establish that he was alone when he heard a voice.

"You're early", the deep, steady manliness in Potter's voice strengthened by the acoustic. He took a step out of an alcove in the wall which had hidden him.

Now he stood just a few meters in front of Severus, the black cloak and the black hair melted together with the darkness, while the face shone white.

"So are you", Severus answered. He felt how the gleaming area of attraction was there between them again, they were two magnets which were drawn towards each other.

Suddenly Potter took the few steps that were left between him and Severus, and their bodies met, united. Potter's arms held a tensed grip of Severus' shoulders and Severus drew his own hands around Potter's waist.

"Severus", Potter whispered and leaned his head back so that they could see into each other's eyes. The brown eyes where burning wildly behind the glasses, the same feeling as the one he had got the very first time they spoke to each other, when Potter had handed him his library book that he dropped outside the Gryffindor common room - but thousand times stronger.

Severus leaned his head up and kissed him. Potter kissed him back and took a firmer grip around Severus' back. Their tongues and lips moved against ech others in fast, hard movements.

Potter broke the contact between their lips and leaned down to kiss Severus' neck. Severus moaned and leaned his head back. At the same time as he kissed Severus' neck Potter's hands began to slide down over his body. They found their ways inside his cloak, swept over his chest, Severus shuddered when they went round his body to his back and Potter started to draw his fingers along Severus' bony spine.

Severus' head swirled with images, terrible scenarios that somebody would walk in on them, in the middle of the Entrance Hall. They should not be here, they should do this somewhere else where the risk to be seen or heard was not as big.

But his thoughts were interrupted when Potter pushed his hips against Severus and he could feel that Potter was as erected as himself. All logical thoughts left his brain and he let the lust overtake him.

He leaned towards Potter, lifted his hands to his hair, drew them through it while he pressed his diaphragm against Potter's. Potter's warm lips were still at Severus' neck, his teeth sank into the thin skin and Severus felt how the pain went like an electric shock through his body and clustered to attraction somewhere in his diaphragm.

Suddenly Potter threw his head back, his hair glittered when it flew through the moon light. With one movement he drew off his clothes which flew away like a phantom in the darkness.

So now he stood there, in the weak, ghostlike light from the new moon outside, James Potter, only dressed in underwear. His straight body posture, the muscular arms and chest, the dishevelled hair, the intense brown eyes, and the markedly jaw bones that left parts of his face in shadow.

Severus looked at the man before him, he saw a god. Potter grabbed Severus' robe and pulled it off, it landed by his feet. Normally the thought of his pale yellowish skin and anorectic body exposed in front of Potter been unpleasant, but at the moment his brain was drugged by Potter's beauty, this entire scene felt surrealistic, dreamlike, and still he had never felt more alive.

Without a word Potter moved his hands down towards Severus' pants and began to stroke him through the fabric. Severus moaned again. His hands trembled when he moved them over Potter's chest and down over his stomach. Potter moaned as well and pulled off Severus' pants which fell down to his ankles.

Severus' breath increased with his heartbeat when Potter took a firm grip around his organ and began to massage it rhythmically while his other hand held a locked grip around Severus' back so that it would have been impossible for him to get out of it. If he had wanted to.

Severus' hands trembled even more out of control when they slid down inside Potter's pants and began to massage his organ. Potter moaned and moved his face closer to Severus', before Severus could react his mouth was filled with Potter's tongue. Their kisses grew more intense, their organs pulsated hard against each other, and Severus had to tense his whole body to not burst.

Potters' body pressed harder against him, without leaving each other's lips he forced Severus backwards until he's feet hit the bottom step of the staircase. Potter pressed Severus's body down on it's back on the stairs and lay his own body on top.

Potter let his lips and tongue slide down over Severus' neck, along his clavicle, down over his ribs, his stomach, hip bones, Severus lost his grip around Potter's organ when he went down on his knees on the stairs. When his lips closed around Severus' organ he could not stop his moan any longer, his unsteady breath echoed against the marble walls and gave them a feeling to be surrounded by a gigantic choir.

His hand found one of the bars in the railing and squeezed his hand around it until his knuckles whitened. Potter's mouth left Severus' sex and he crawled back up over him.

The weak taste of salt mixed in their mouths, Potter took Severus' hand and led it down to his organ again whereupon he closed his hand around Severus'.

They massaged each other faster, harder, both of them on the last build up to climax. Their panting breaths echoed now out load in the hall and soon they both screamed out their orgasms when they came over each other's bodies.

They lay still in the same position on the stairs and tried to calm their breaths down.

"We should go…" Potter whispered out in the silence.

"Mhm…" Severus whispered. Potter did not move. Severus felt no need to leave, to ever move from the position they were in right now. Even though his spine felt like it would break in three pieces on the stairs and his chest and stomach was covered with seed there was nowhere he would rather be. He was the happiest person in the world.

Slowly he moved his hands up and dug them into Potter's hair. Potter sighed quietly and moved his head a little.

"James…" he tried the name in his mouth, it felt strange saying it, calling him James instead of Potter. It was a beautiful name, on a beautiful being.

Suddenly Potter took a deep breath and stood up. He's body shone white in the darkness, Severus raised his upper body on his elbows and saw how Potter went down on his knees on the floor a few meters away from him where he looked for his robes.

"Lumos", Potter's voice said and a light flamed up from the end of his wand which shone up his exposed body for a few seconds before he swept his cloak around him. He picked up Severus' clothes and walked up to him and let go of them, they landed on his lap.

"I guess I'll see you around", he said and looked down at Severus. His eyes looked tired, the burning attraction had gone out of them, but they still filled Severus with a warming feeling of joy.

Severus took Potter's hand and pulled himself up to his feet. Still without clothes he looked into Potter's eyes. Potter looked back, he did not smile, he looked uncomfortable with the situation.

"Good night", Severus whispered.

"Good night", whispered Potter. A second or two they looked at each other. Then Potter turned around and ran up the stairs. Severus stood on the bottom step of the stairs and looked up until the light from Potter's wand had gone. Then he put his clothes on and walked slowly down to the common room.

_Personally I think I'm crap at writing sex-scenes. I'm a Slytherin so it takes a lot of pride to admit but I am a romantic person, at least when I'm writing. Romance before sex! Definitely. And this.. I guess I tried a combination._

_Hope I didn't make anyone sick._

_Love_

_Apfel_


	10. Chapter 10

_**October 31, 1975**_

When Halloween came it was still warm and sunny outside, the summer seemed to regain all the sunshine that it lost during the actual summer months.

Severus and Potter had not been as close to having sex as they were about two months ago. In fact, they had never been able to. Having a lover from Gryffindor, who furthermore was very popular and always surrounded by friends, was not as easy as Severus had thought.

They had met a few times alone but always been interrupted before getting anywhere.

Once by Peeves who had thrown water balloons on them, and once by professor McGonagall who had completely misunderstood them when she saw Potter press Severus against a wall, and thought he had been bullying him. When Severus awkwardly explained to her that they were practising Defence Against the Dark Arts, but without magic, Potter could not stop himself from laughing out loud and Severus had been forced to excuse them and lead him away from McGonagall.

That was about it. Obviously they had met shortly a number of times along with Potter's friends. But they never got the opportunity to talk for very long as both Lily and Potter refused to be in the same group of people.

Severus had eventually decided about Avery's payment. It was his lack of imagination that forced him to say gold. The fact was that he could not care less about money, but he was determined not to give Avery anything for free. And somehow he realised he was going to need gold as he was not going to live at home next summer. He was about to become an adult. He felt free.

It was Friday and a holiday. Severus had not woken up as early as he usually did. He felt happy. He had been happy for almost two months now. He got out of bed, put his clothes on and walked out of the dormitory.

When he got into the Entrance Hall, which was full of students, he could catch a glimpse of Lily who stood at the opposite wall, looking around. She was waiting for him. Happily he caught her eye contact and waved at her. She waved back and smiled.

Severus started to elbow his way through the crowd of people towards Lily. When he was almost there he found his way blocked by Crabbe and Goyle, who shielded the crowd from Avery, who looked like a child compared to them.

"Avery", Severus said in an annoyed tone.

"Good morning to you too, Snape", Avery said.

"Seriously, I haven't even had breakfast", Severus moaned. "Can we please talk later?"

"I don't pay you to eat, we need a new meeting", Avery said threatening without answering Severus' question. "As soon as possible, I'm getting tired of you, Snape. When are you going to teach us something useful?"

"Teach you what?" Lily's voice sounded like a tiny birdsong compared to Avery's evil tone. She had walked up next to Severus and now smiled nervously at them all.

Severus cursed Avery in his mind. The expression on Avery's face showed exactly what he thought when he saw Lily, she knew it as well, that Avery hated muggle-borns, but her kindness was just ridiculously strong sometimes.

"Did you hear something?" Avery looked around in acted surprise. "I swear I could something, and it sounded filthy." At the last word he looked down at Lily, who's smile died abruptly.

"Severus, let's go", she took his arm.

"How dare you command a wizard?" Avery said and pushed Lily.

"Avery, that's enough", Severus stepped between them. "I'll see you later, okay? Come on Lily." He took Lily by the arm and dragged her along out of the castle.

When they sat down by the large tree by the lake Severus felt as if he was about to cry. His happiness had flown away and now he just felt pitiful.

"I'm sorry, Lily", he said guiltily.

"It's not your fault", Lily said without looking at him.

"I should defend you but I'm just… A coward…", he said it very quietly but he knew how right he was.

"I just don't see why you're hanging out with them", Lily said and looked at him. She looked serious and worried. "I don't think they're good for you."

"Well", Severus began slowly. "They're not my friends really… I'm just helping them with their homework and stuff." He did not look at Lily at his last sentence, he could not tell her about their Death Eater plans.

Even though he had no thoughts of becoming a Death Eater, he just saw what he did as a job, they got what they wanted, he got gold; everyone happy, end of story. But not really. He knew that what he did was wrong. He knew it was a step towards the dark side, a very small step, but still a step. And he could not tell Lily.

"You're too kind, Sev", Lily said and gave him a faint smile. Severus tried to smile back but was sure it turned out as a stiff grin.

"I'm hungry", he said to change the subject. "Did you have breakfast already?"

"Oh, yes", Lily said and opened her bag. "I brought some apples for later, but you can have them if you want." She gave him a shiny red apple.

"Thanks", he said and took a bite.

Suddenly Severus could see how Pettigrew came running towards them, he had not changed much since he was eleven, only a little bit taller. Severus found the look of him running down the hill on his tiny legs amusing, he looked like a rat.

"Hi Lily, hi Severus", Pettigrew said, he's voice had not broken yet and he sounded like a girl.

"Hi Peter, how are you?" Lily asked when Pettigrew sat down beside her.

"Well, I'm good, but Remus isn't", he obviously tried to sound clever.

"What's the matter with Remus?" Lily asked.

"He's ill", Pettigrew said. "He's got some kind of… Illness." Severus had to cough not to laugh. Both Lily and Pettigrew looked at him.

"Well", he said when the coughing attack was over. "That's not good", he said.

"He'll be fine", another, deeper voice; Black stood behind them, he glared at Pettigrew. "So you haven't got anything more interesting to talk about than that Remus has a cold?"

"Well, I thought I'd just…" Pettigrew suddenly looked confused. "Wait now, a cold? But you said…"

"Oh here you are", Potter's voice interrupted, Severus turned around when he saw Potter walk up and stand next to Black. He smiled and nodded at him. "Hi Severus, how are you?"

"I'm good", he said and smiled back. Black and Pettigrew had got used to Potter and Severus being friends by now, they accepted it. Lily did not.

"So", Black said slowly. He looked from Potter to Lily and back again. The atmosphere suddenly felt thick. "Are Slytherin having a Halloween party tonight as well?" he asked Severus with an exaggerated jolly tone.

"Oh", Severus said. "I don't know to be honest. If there is I'm probably not invited", he laughed to clarify that he was not upset he was not invited. He looked around, no one else laughed. He stopped quickly and took another bite of his apple.

"You can come to the Gryffindor one if you want", Potter said smiling and Peter and Black nodded in agreement.

"I already invited him", Lily said grumpily.

"Did you?" Severus asked surprised.

"I was going to", Lily murmured.

"What kind of party is it then?" Severus asked. "I've never heard of it."

"It's not really a party", Black explained. "It's basically all the fifth to seventh year students listening to music in the common room, as usual, just that some people dress up."

"Well", Severus said. "Thanks for the invitation, but I think I'll be too tired."

"Oh come on", Potter said.

"Would you just leave him alone", Lily said angrily to Potter. Severus felt how a fight was on its way, and he rubbed his forehead.

The problem with Potter and Lily was that they were too similar. Severus did not know exactly when he had realised, but now it seemed perfectly clear that their personalities were more alike than siblings. Stubbornness, ambitiousness and bravery, those three things described both their personalities perfectly. Also they were both striking beauties, Severus nodded to himself; they were too similar.

Severus and Black luckily managed to avoid the expected fight between Lily and Potter. Black pulled Potter to the side while Severus brought Lily back into the castle. They went to the library.

In the afternoon Severus met up with Avery, Crabbe and Goyle in an empty classroom in the dungeon. Severus liked that classroom. It was nice and cool and he felt safe inside the heavy stone walls.

"So Snape", Avery threw a thick book on a desk so hard it made Crabbe and Goyle jump. "I've done what you said and read through this whole damn book, which was mostly uninteresting by the way." Severus sighed and picked up the old library book about Dart Arts which he had borrowed in the restricted section.

"I just want you to start from the beginning", he said calmly. "You can't just go straight for the curses; that might kill you. You have to know what you're doing."

"Fine, fine", Avery said. "But now I've read it and I want to learn some curses!" Severus doubted this was a good idea, if Avery accidently killed himself because of him he would actually feel bad.

"Okay", he said and got his wand out. "I assume you know about hexes and jinxes." Avery shrugged.

"Well, yeah, they aren't dark arts, though."

"They actually are", said Severus. "But they are the lightest form of dark arts. That's why I think you should know about them to begin with, before we go on to the more advanced stuff."

"Yeah, whatever", Avery said, he looked bored.

"You two", Severus pointed at Crabbe and Goyle. They looked confused. "Yes, I mean you", Severus said louder. "Do you know about hexes and jinxes?"

"Uh", said Goyle. "Hexes and… What?" Severus rolled his eyes. This was going to be harder that he imagined.

During dinner a boy called Regulus sat down next to Severus, he studied in the year below him. Severus knew he was Sirius Black's younger brother, and that was why he had always stayed away from him. He had thought that Regulus would be as loud and break the rules as much as his brother.

But now he turned out to be, pretty much, the opposite of Sirius. He was calm and quiet, and his voice had some kind of respect in it when he asked if he could sit with Severus.

When Regulus said he had heard from Avery that Severus knew a lot about the Dark Arts Severus got nervous, did Avery tell everyone about this? Then it was just a question of time before Lily knew. And Potter.

But soon he realised that Regulus was far cleverer than Avery, he actually seemed more interested in the actual art of dark magic rather than joining Voldemort. Severus got stuck in an interesting discussion with Regulus and for a while he lost track of time.

When Virgo, Samuel and Florence walked past them they said hello and smiled at him. He was speaking to a Slytherin, Severus suddenly felt the warm feeling of being among friends. But when his eyes turned to the Gryffindor table and he caught a glimpse of Potter's face he felt a stinging somewhere in his chest. Stupid school houses.

The Great Hall was almost empty when Severus stood up from his chair. He walked out to the Entrance Hall, still in company with Regulus Black. Severus was tired. It was very late and he wanted to go to bed. When Regulus was on his way down the corridor which led to the dungeons Severs stopped. _The Gryffindor Halloween party._ He did not want to go, but he wanted to see Potter. Regulus stopped as well and looked wondering at Severus.

"What's the matter?" Regulus asked.

"Well…", Severus tried to think of an excuse, but Regulus interrupted him.

"Are you going to see the Gryffindors?" he looked completely uninterested. No rude words or disliking looks.

"Well, yes", Severus said. "Just to say good night really, I'll go to bed soon."

"Fine", Regulus nodded. "Say hi to Sirius from me if you see him." Then he turned around and walked down the corridor. Severus turned the other way; he began to walk up the stairs.

On the way to the Gryffindor common room he met Nearly Headless Nick. Nick, as well as the Fat Lady, treated him nicely by now, even though he was not a Gryffindor.

"Say, Severus", he said happily when they went through an obscure corridor together. "Did you know today's my Death day?"

"Oh, no I didn't", Severus said. "Uhm, happy Death day… I guess." He was not sure if it was supposed to be a happy day but Nick seemed more than happy.

"Thank you," he said chuckling. "You know, today it's exactly 483 years since I died, can you imagine? 483!" He exclaimed with a smile.

"Did I hear 483?" Suddenly another, if possibly, more jolly voice chuckled, Severus turned around and saw The Fat Friar who came floating towards them, he looked happier than normally.

"You sure did, old friend", Nick said and threw his arms around The Fat Friar. His arms did not reach half the way around him.

Severus slowly sneaked away and left the two ghosts cuddling in the corridor.

When he finally got to the portrait of the Fat Lady he hesitated. He really did not like parties. Did not like crowds, but he wanted to see Potter.

"Are you alright, dear?" the Fat Lady asked and smiled at him.

"Yes", he said slowly. "Er, I was just…" Suddenly the portrait opened and a boy and a girl who must have been about seventeen came out, giggling. When they saw Severus they looked surprised.

"Oh, who are you?" The boy asked, he sounded offensive.

"Hey, I know you", the girl said before Severus could answer. "You're Lily Evans' boyfriend, aren't you?"

"I'm her friend", Severus corrected.

"Oh, sorry", the girl blushed and the boy dragged her along in the corridor. Severus could hear him whisper:

"Did you really think Evans would go out with him?" Severus stood still with his back against their voices until they had died out. Then he looked up at the Fat Lady, she continued smiling at him. He hesitated for a moment, then he decided to go to bed, he had just turned around when he heard the portrait open again behind him.

"Severus", Potter's voice, Severus turned back to the portrait and stood face to face with Potter, he had a wide smile on his face. "I didn't think you'd come."

"I was about to leave actually", Severus said depreciatively. "I'm not really a party person."

"I thought so", Potter laughed. "That's why I brought some butter beer. I thought we could go somewhere else, just you and me. If you fancy it?" He held out two bottles between his fingers, still smiling.

"Potter", Severus asked and began to smile as well.

"Yes, Severus", Potter smiled even wider.

"Are you drunk?" Potter giggled a bit, then he tried to force himself to a serious attitude.

"No, Severus, I'm not drunk", he said and started walking along the corridor and Severus followed him. "Okay, I might be tipsy, but only slightly."

"Fair enough", Severus said as they rounded a corner. He could not stop himself from smiling at Potter's strained expression.

They walked through another corridor when suddenly Potter stopped in front of a large window alcove.

"Here", he said and another smile grew extremely wide on his lips as he climbed up in the window and sat down leaning his back against the stone wall.

Severus climbed up as well and sat opposite Potter, their feet touched when he drew his legs up and he Potter's smile grew softer when he handed one of the bottles to Severus.

Severus took it and drank, he could hardly taste any alcohol in what he drank, this beer must be very weak, that made him wondering how many Potter had had.

"It's funny, Severus", Potter said. He had probably been honest when he said he was only tipsy, because now he looked perfectly sober. He looked out of the window up at the dark blue sky which was covered with stars, it was a beautiful night.

"What's funny, Potter?" Severus asked, he could not take his eyes away from Potter's face; he was so beautiful it made Severus' heart ache.

"It's funny that when I'm with you I never know what to talk about", he said, still looking dreamily up at the sky. His glasses reflected the stars. "I mean, when I'm with Sirius and Remus and yes, even mum and dad", he laughed. "I always talk. I talk all the time, there's no end to my talking, and normally I don't have anything interesting to say really, but I talk anyway. When I'm with you it's different. My mind just goes completely blank and I don't know what to say or do", he paused to drink some.

He sat quiet for a while looking down at the illustration on the bottle in his hands. Then he looked up, his eyes penetrated Severus', they sang with magic. "And I don't know why, because normally I would feel awkward if I didn't have anything to say, but with you; it just feels right."

Severus could not help but feeling emotional when Potter finished his monologue. It was the best thing anyone had ever told him.

Potter slowly moved his right hand closer to Severus, let his fingers softly stroke his knee. Suddenly that extremely strong power that usually filled Potter's eyes had softened and his eyes were not a source of burning attraction anymore. But they had something else in them, something mystic, soft and warm, looking into them felt like coming home.

Severus touched Potter's fingers without breaking their eye contact. A faint smile grew slowly on Potter's lips. Then he leaned over and placed a flighty kiss on Severus' lips.

"You should come and stay with me next summer", Potter said still smiling when he leaned back again.

"I'd love to", Severus said happily. He had told Potter what happened at Spinner's End and that he could not go back next summer. "Where do you live by the way?"

"Brighton", Potter answered. "You'll love it, it's a big house and it's by the beach, and we've got two dogs. My parents are quite overprotective but they're alright I guess, compared to…" his voice quietened. He looked nervous, as if he had said something forbidden. "Sorry", he continued. "I didn't mean to sound…"

"Don't worry", Severus said. "I'm sure you're parents are much better than mine, do you think they'll be ok with me staying though?" He asked.

"I'm sure they will", Potter said. "I'll ask them." He smiled and drank what was left in his bottle. Severus' bottle was only half empty and he quickly drank some more.

They sat in silence for a while and watched the sky outside. Then Severus turned to Potter again.

"Potter…" he began.

"For god's sake, Severus!" Potter hit his own forehead with his palm. "Please stop calling me Potter."

"Oh no", Severus said when he realised. "I'm sorry, James, it's just a habit."

Potter leaned his head on his knees and pretended to look grumpy, not very well though as the corners of his mouth forced themselves up.

"A bad habit, Severus", he said in a faked grumpy voice. "A bad habit." His eyes smiled, Severus nodded and could not do anything but smile back.

"James?" Both Potter and Severus sat up straight and cautious when they heard Black's voice. One second later he walked up to the window alcove where they sat. "Oh, here you are." He did not look happy to find Potter and Severus together.

"Here we are", Potter said and smiled at Black.

"So what are you doing out here?" Black asked and looked from Potter to Severus.

"We're talking", Potter said with a shrug. "Wanted to get away from the crowd."

"Oh, I see", Black still looked slightly grim. "Most people have gone to bed now, I was just wondering where you were."

"Okay", Potter said and jumped out of the alcove. "I think I'll go to bed as well, unless you had something else to say, Severus", he looked friendly at Severus who had completely forgotten what he had been about to say earlier.

"No, nothing", he said as he climbed out of the alcove as well. "I'm really tired as well, but I might see you guys around tomorrow I guess", he tried to direct the sentence to Black as much as Potter, Black started to make him nervous again and he turned around as soon as they said good night.

When he walked through the, now deserted corridor, where he had left Nearly headless Nick with the Fat Friar he realised that he had forgotten to convey Regulus' greeting to Sirius. But he had a feeling they were not very fond of each other and he almost felt relieved he had forgotten about it.

_Had completely forgotten about Regulus until now, sorry about that. Anyway, now he's got a part in this story as well!_

_Love_

_Apfel_


	11. Chapter 11

_**December 21, 1975**_

Severus liked Christmas, mostly because of the emptiness when everyone left the castle. He found it peaceful.

Professor Slughorn, who was the Potions teacher, had invited Severus to some kind of private Christmas party a couple of weeks before the Christmas holiday.

Severus had not even considered it, he had lied and said that he had a cold. Lily had gone though, she liked Slughorn, and he liked her, a little too much according to Severus.

At the beginning of December, professor McGonagall had walked around the classes and asked who would be staying at Hogwarts for Christmas.

When Severus had stretched his hand up Potter had as well. The fact that Black, Lupin, Pettigrew and Lily were all going home for Christmas gave Severus expectations that this Christmas would be the best one ever.

When the holiday finally came Severus felt more nervous than excited. It would be him and Potter, only the two of them. For the entire Christmas holiday. No one would be there to interrupt them.

Severus had noticed all the boys in their year had gone home for Christmas, there were a few students from other classes who stayed, and they would probably hang around in the common rooms, but their dormitories would be completely empty.

"Are you sure you'll be ok here on your own?" Lily asked for the tenth time when Severus helped her getting her suitcase on the train.

"Lily, I can't change my mind now", Severus said and walked into the train with her. "But yes, I'm sure I'll be fine." He added when he saw her disliking look.

Lily led him into an empty compartment, they pushed her suitcase up on the shelf above them and then Lily sat down by the window. Severus remained standing.

"You know my parents wanted you to celebrate Christmas with us…" Lily said, she had a peculiar look on her face when she looked up at Severus. Something that reminded him of that he was keeping a very big secret that she did not know about, even though she was his best friend. "And well, I kind of hoped you would come as well…"

She turned her face down when she said it, looking at her knees.

Suddenly Severus realised how much Lily had changed during the term. She had gone quieter, and more reserved than she had ever been before.

The look on her eyes now felt unfamiliar to Severus, even though he knew he had seen it several times during the autumn.

He realised he had not spent as much time with Lily as he used to. Somehow, Potter, Avery and homework had taken up too much of his time. He felt bad.

"Lily", he went down on his knees before Lily and put his hands on her lap. Looked up and caught her eye contact. "Are you all right?"

Lily sighed. A sigh that made Severus' heart get heavier. Lily was not all right, and for some reason Severus knew it was because of him. He slowly stroked the back of her hand but she pulled it away from him, avoiding his gaze.

He could see how she was looking for words that could explain how she felt, and how she struggled.

Eventually, she took a deep breath to start a sentence.

"Hello there!" The door flew up and in came Sirius Black, with his suitcase in one hand and a bitter look on his face. "At least we can talk to Lily now when James isn't coming."

"At least Lily's cleverer than James", Pettigrew squeaked when he walked in after Black. He looked happy.

"Are you talking about cleverness, Peter?" said Lupin, with a faint smile. Pettigrew and Lupin were hassling in a joking kind of way when they helped pushing each other's suitcases up on the shelf. They seemed blithesome.

Severus saw how some invisible curtain was pulled over the peculiar emotion in Lily's eyes. Suddenly she had a smile on her lips and looked around at the three boys who had now sat down in the compartment.

"Where's your suitcase, Severus?" Asked Black, still with a grim look on his face.

"Oh", Severus stood up straight. "I'm staying."

"You too?" Black looked annoyed.

"Is Potter staying over Christmas?" Lily asked surprised, she looked at Severus and her expression changed again, this time she looked almost as grim as Black. "Did you know about that, Severus?"

Severus wished he could sink through the floor. He felt guilty, even though he had not done anything wrong.

"Well, yes", he said slowly. Both Black and Lily were looking at him as if he had stolen something very valuable. "Hrm, I guess I should get off before… You know…" He slowly moved towards the compartment door while the gazes from all the other four followed him and made him blush.

Lily and Black still looked cross, but they did not say anything, the silence made the atmosphere in the compartment thick with discomfort.

"Well…" Severus said again when he put his hand on the doorknob. "I'll see you after the holiday then…" Silence. "Yeah… Merry Christmas everyone." He forced his facial muscles to a smile which probably turned out like a grimace. Lupin and Pettigrew smiled faintly back and mumbled something that sounded like 'merry Christmas'.

After one last look at Lily, who still looked bitter, Severus walked out of the compartment door. Before it closed behind him he could hear Black's angry voice say: "Are they like best friends now?"

Severus hurried through the corridor and jumped out of the train. At the moment his feet touched the thin layer of snow on the platform he could hear the train whistle. One second later the engines started to run and the train began to move.

Severus took a step backwards as the train sped up. He stood there and followed it with his gaze until it went out of sight.

Heavy snowflakes were falling from the sky and made his hair wet. Severus had a bad feeling about leaving Lily on the train, he knew there was something that she wanted to say, or ask him. Something that was emotionally hard.

Severus was sure it had to do with him being mentally absent again, he just had to face it; she was going to ask him who he was so obsessively in love with. And he would have to tell her. He could not keep it a secret anymore, not to her, his best friend.

He decided to tell her after the Christmas holiday, and he promised himself he would spend more time with her the next term.

Suddenly he's thoughts were interrupted when a large snowball hit the back of his head. Severus jumped in surprise when he felt how the cold and wet snow dripped down his neck.

He turned around and saw Potter, who was standing a few meters away from the platform, with a mischievous smile on his face and another snowball ready in his right hand.

"Snowball fight", he called and threw the snowball towards Severus. It would have hit him straight in the face unless Severus had stepped aside.

"It's unfair", he shouted. "You're a quidditch player; I don't have a chance against you."

Potter laughed and picked up another handful of snow.

"You're just scared", he shouted. He's smile made Severus happy. He jumped off the platform and got a handful of snow up from the ground.

When he turned to Potter he was running towards him, and threw another snowball at him. Severus ducked, and it missed him.

"You're quite good", Potter said. "You could play quidditch."

Severus had to laugh at the suggestion.

"Not at all", he said and threw his snowball towards Potter. Potter smiled when he avoided it by leaning his head half an inch to one side.

"See", Severus said and shook his head. "I was aiming for your heart."

Potter burst out laughing when he heard the last word.

"Aiming for my heart?" He repeated. "Do you want kill me or something?" He asked, still laughing when he walked up to Severus and embraced him. Severus hugged him back.

"How are you?" Potter asked and looked into Severus' eyes, still with his arms around him.

"I'm okay", Severus replied, Potter's body felt like a warming fire in the cold December day.

Potter smiled and stroke Severus' hair away from his face. His hand stayed somewhere between his jaw bone and his neck, his thumb stroking Severus' rough skin. Then he leaned his face closer and kissed him.

Three days later was Christmas Eve. Severus and Potter had been together basically the whole time since the beginning of the holiday.

They had been walking around corridors at night, exploring new parts of the castle. They hid up in the Astronomy Tower until early in the morning to see the sunrise.

Severus had never missed out so much sleep or broken so many rules, and strange enough, he had not been happier.

He must have fallen asleep at a table in the Slytherin common room with his Potions book as a pillow.

"Excuse me…", he woke up when he felt a hand on the back of his shoulder. He panicked when he remembered it was Christmas Eve and he had just gone to get a book. He turned around in the chair and looked at the Slytherin boy who had woken him up. He was about seventeen and did not look completely relaxed with the situation.

"Oh my god", Severus said. "I'm sorry…" He tried to blink the sleep out of his eyes.

"No worries", said the boy and smiled a bit awkwardly. "Dumbledore asked me to bring you down to the Great Hall. We're having a Christmas dinner."

"Oh yeah", Severus flicked his own forehead. "The Christmas dinner! I totally forgot, I think I'm catching another cold, I'm really tired."

"Fine", the boy said, still looking like he wanted to walk away. "Are you coming then? Or are you going to bed?"

"No, I'm coming", Severus got up on his feet and left his book on the table.

He walked along with the boy out of the common room and up the stone staircase.

When they got into the clear light from the Christmas decorations in the Entrance Hall Severus realised that his clothes looked extremely untidy. Awkwardly he tried to unwrinkle them with his palms. It did not work.

In the Great Hall only all the large oblong tables had been replaced with a little one in the middle of the room.

About fifteen people were sitting at it, eating and talking happily to each other, half of them were students and the rest were teachers.

The Slytherin boy looked relieved when he sat down next to Professor Slughorn.

"Severus," Dumbledore waved at him from the top of the table. "There you are, please, sit here." He showed on an empty chair between a Ravenclaw girl and Professor Binns, who sat next to Dumbledore.

"Thank you, professor…" Severus mumbled a bit discommodious because he had forgotten about the meal. He sat down, still trying to make his clothes not look as badly wrinkled as they were.

"I had a feeling James would be with you", Dumbledore leaned almost right through Binns who did not seem to notice. "But I wasn't sure, so I sent Freya to look for him in the Gryffindor tower."

"Oh", Severus looked automatically at all the people around the table which confirmed that Potter was not there yet. "No, he should be in the Gryffindor common room." He said.

He still got an awkward feeling when Dumbledore started talking about Potter, Severus looked around at the food on the table and grabbed a bowl of brussel sprouts, he spooned them up on his plate, some of them almost rolled over the edge and he stopped them with his elbow.

When he put the bowl back he realised Dumbledore was still watching him with an amused expression on his face.

"I've heard you and James are friends again, is that right?" he asked and passed him the turkey through Binns who just leaned over to chew the potatoes which also fell straight through him.

"Yes", Severus said and took the plate with the turkey on it. "We are." He put some on his own plate, and then he looked at Binns. "Professor Binns", he asked, Binns did not answer. "Would you like some more turkey?" Severus asked louder.

"Turkey?" Professor Binns looked up very suddenly. "Turkey, Oh Merlin's hat! I left the turkey in the oven! Thanks for reminding me, Steven!" Then he raised from his chair and floated out of the Great Hall in high speed.

Severus looked after him, he felt how his mouth had opened, not even Binns was normally this confused.

He passed the turkey along to the Ravenclaw girl beside him, then looked back at Dumbledore.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked hesitantly.

"Not at all", Dumbledore said between two mouthfuls. "It's the wine." Severus looked doubtfully on the chair that Binns had been sitting on; it was covered in food and wine.

Just then the seventeen-year-old Gryffindor girl, Freya Dawes walked into the Hall, and behind her James Potter came dragging his feet behind him. He looked even more zombielike than Severus felt, with dark shades under his eyes and his hair even more messed up than usual.

"James as well", Dumbledore smiled again. "Finally everyone's gathered."

"I found him asleep on the sofa in the common room, Professor", Dawes said while she sat down at the other end of the table.

"Well done for waking him up, Freya, I can imagine it being a terribly hard mission. You look like you needed some sleep, James."

Dawes laughed from her sit before she started talking to her friends. James muttered something and tried to mess his hair up even more.

"Cuthbert just left so you've got two free chairs, James", Dumbledroe said, still smiling by the look of Potter's face. "Although, I would not choose this one." He added after a look on the mess on the chair between him and Severus.

Potter looked like he was too tired to listen to what Dumbledore said. He slowly walked up to the other empty chair almost opposite Severus, and sat down heavily.

"Cheers", he said sleepily to Dumbledore who looked like he was enjoying a humoristic play.

Severus could see the comic in the situation. He smiled weakly when he saw how Potter mistook his spoon for a fork. He was obviously still half asleep.

The Christmas dinner went on. Severus felt more alert the more he ate. And when he looked at Potter he could tell that he slowly was waking up as well.

Severus had a nice time. He discussed Potions with the Ravenclaw girl next to him. She sounded impressed by his cunning and their conversation lasted for longer than he expected.

It got late, soon the ceiling turned black like the sky outside. People started to drop off to go to bed. Severus did not notice how time flew by.

When the Ravenclaw girl eventually excused her and left he realised the only ones who where left at the table were Dumbledore, McGonagall, Potter and himself.

Potter and McGonagall had never been very fond of each other. At the moment they were having a wild and complicated discussion about Transfiguration.

"…I'm just saying, Potter, it's not that simple becoming an Animagus, it takes years of practise." She said, sounding almost like a child speaking to her little brother.

"I never said it's simple!" Potter said with a bad attempt to sound calm. "I beg your pardon, professor, but you are not listening to me. What I'm saying is that you have to include the human emotion compared to the animal in the Transfiguration, it lifts the magic process much further than if you only use your mind."

Professor McGonagall was about to argue when Dumbledore stood up. He had been watching Potter and McGonagall with an amused expression.

"I think we should all go to bed now", he said, his eyes smiling at McGonagall, Potter and Severus over the top of his glasses. "It has been very entertaining to listen to you two for the last fifteen minutes, but I think you better end your discussion now unless you want a fight."

Potter laughed and patted McGonagall on her shoulder. She looked very stern at Potter who realised what he had just done and stood up immediately. Severus got up as well.

"Merry Christmas professor Dumbledore, merry Christmas professor McGonagall", Severus said looking politely at both of them.

"Merry Christmas", they answered at the same time. Severus took Potter by the arm and pulled him along towards the door.

"You're such a good boy, Severus", Potter said when they got out of the Great Hall.

"Shut up", Severus said and flicked Potter on the back of his head.

They stopped at the foot of the staircase that led up from the Entrance Hall. Severus looked towards the doorway that led down to the dungeons.

"Do you want to come up to my dormitory?" Potter asked slowly. "We could play some guitar if you want?" He looked hopeful.

Severus could not stop himself from laughing out loud.

"You don't play guitar, do you?" He said.

"Yes I do!" Potter looked surprised.

"Okay", Severus said, still not really believing him.

"So you're coming?"

Before Severus had the time to answer they could hear Dumbledore's and McGonagall's voices coming closer towards the Entrance Hall.

As if the same thoughts had flown through both of their heads Potter and Severus ran up the stairs as fast as their legs would allow them.

They rushed through a corridor and in behind a corner where they stopped to breathe, both leaning their backs against the wall.

"We're meant to be in bed", Severus said panting.

"And certainly not in the same bed", Potter added and laughed.

"You're such a bad boy", Severus said and Potter smiled.

They walked through another corridor and up to the portrait of the Fat Lady. Someone from another portrait had brought her a little Christmas tree which was now pressed between the frame and her dress.

"Merry Christmas, gentlemen", she said jolly when they got closer, she looked tipsy. "Password?"

"Mistletoe", Potter said and the Fat Lady giggled when she slid aside and Potter and Severus climbed through the portrait hole.

The Gryffindor common room was empty. Severus felt relieved, he was sure someone would look strangely at them if they saw him walk into Potter's dormitory.

Potter walked before Severus up the stairs and opened a door. He held out his hand for Severus to go inside.

Severus had never been in Potter's dormitory before. It felt like stepping into Potter's heart, or something else that was very precious.

The room had the same kind of furniture as Severus' dormitory, but the beds had red curtains instead of green.

The largest difference was the magnificent window alcoves which let a mystic blue moonlight softly strain through and give the room a warming light, not unlike the light from the green torches on the walls in the Slytherin dormitories.

Potter closed the door behind Severus, walked over to one of the beds and went down on his knees in front of it, he looked for something underneath it.

Severus slowly walked up to one of the windows. He sat down on the high alcove and looked up at the half moon that shone through a thin layer of clouds.

Suddenly he heard a tone from a guitar. He turned his head around and saw that Potter had found the acoustic guitar underneath his bed. Now he sat on the bed and twisted the knobs on its head.

"You better watch out…" Potter began slowly. "You better not cry…" He smiled happily at Severus while playing. "You better not pout, I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town."

"Such a silly song", Severus mumbled and shook his head, even though he could not stop smiling. Potter's voice had a very peculiar tone, beautiful in a rough and imperfect way.

"I like it", Potter said, laughing. "Does that make me silly?" He carefully put the guitar down on the floor and walked up to Severus, leaned against the wall and looked down at him, their faces just a few inches away from each other.

"A little maybe", Severus said quiet and looked up at Potter. Potter slowly lifted his hand and gently stroked Severs' face.

"Just a little…" Potter whispered slowly before he leaned his head closer to Severus and their lips met.

Severus moved his body on the window alcove so that he had one leg on each side of Potter's body, he wrapped them around him while he moved his hands up to Potter's hair.

Their kisses and body language were more soft than passionate this time. They moved slowly against each other, smelled, tasted and felt each other with their hearts beating increasingly.

Potter moved his hands inside Severus' robes and slowly let them slip off. He drew his hands along Severus' naked chest and back.

Severus pulled Potter's robes over his broad shoulders and they fell to the floor. He could feel Potter's organ harden against him underneath their underwear.

Without letting their lips lose their contact Potter walked backwards with Severus towards the bed, their hands still stroking each other's bodies in slow and soft movements.

When they reached the bed Potter took a firmer grip around Severus' shoulders and spun them both around so that Severus had his back against the bed.

Then he gave Severus' chest a light push, Potter smiled when Severus obeyed and lay down on his back. Potter climbed up on the bed and crawled up to Severus' face, kissed him again. Then kissed his neck, his clavicle bones, down his chest and his stomach.

Severus let Potter's hair flow between his fingers. Potter slowly pulled Severus' underwear off and bent down over his erection and let it slide in between his lips. Severus could feel how his breath increased with the pleasure.

After a few moments he had to sit up. Potter lost his hold of his organ and sat up as well; he gently took Severus' face between his hands and looked softly at him.

Severus looked into the amazingly beautiful brown eyes. He slowly lifted his right hand and stroked it against Potter's white skin. Carefully he took his glasses off and put them down on the side.

Slowly Potter leaned his head forward and his lips met Severus, they moved slowly back on the bed. Potter's hands went from Severus' face and down over his body.

"I want you inside me", Severus whispered slowly.

"Are you sure?" Potter whispered and looked a bit doubting.

"Yes", Severus replied. When Potter's facial expression stayed the same he added: "Just fuck me like you'd fuck a girl", with a faint smile.

Potter's expression quickly grew into a soft smile as well. He leaned closer and whispered:

"I've never fucked a girl…"

Severus did not know why he was surprised, but Potter's words made this moment even more special to him. He wanted him. He wanted him as close as possible. Now and here, and forever.

He took Potter's organ in his hand and led it down. Potter's body relaxed on top of him. He's eyes embracing Severus' heart and drugged his brain at the same time as they tensed his senses.

The moment Potter penetrated him was one of the most beautiful in Severus' life. The physical pain was being eased by the strength of their burning hearts, pressing against each other through their chests as if they wanted to melt themselves together, and the slow, gentle motion that Potter kept during the whole act.

Severus felt as if time had stopped. Everything in the world had just desisted. The bed they were on did not exist, the castle, the country, the Earth. Not even his own body was there anymore. His body had just been a tool to get in contact with this sacred powerful feeling.

He did not believe in God, but he knew that if there was a Heaven, this was definitely the closest he would ever get to it.

They were the two parts of one soul that had eventually been put together. And together they were Everything. They were all that existed, surrounded by an eternal vacuum. And then suddenly, it was over.

They were back on Potter's bed, in the Gryffindor common room, Hogwarts, England.

Potter rolled over on his back, his breath was unsteady. It took Severus a few moments to realise he actually was back in his body. He moved his left hand and put it on Potter's chest. Potter took it.

"I love you, Severus", the whisper sounded weak in the darkness of the room, and would easily have been drowned by their panting breaths. But Severus heard it as clear as a church bell.

"I love you too, James."

_Why the h-ll is fanfiction making random bits of my text Bold? _

_Love_

_Apfel_


	12. Chapter 12

_**February 15 1976**_

Valentines Day had been worse than usual. Severus had always disliked it but now he hated it.

Hogwarts had been even more decorated for Valentines Day this year. Apparently it was exactly five hundred years since the famous witch and wizard Elvie and Charles Stultusum got married at Hogwarts.

Dumbledore found this extraordinarily important and had therefore put a spell on the entire castle which made everyone say 'I love you' as soon as they were about to say something nasty.

Severus had not realised how many nasty things he normally said in a day, it usually seemed far less. The words 'I love you' had popped out of his mouth several times during the day.

What was most annoying was that everyone else seemed to find the spell rather funny.

Severus was glad when he woke up the fifteenth of February and he could wish his reflection in the mirror a 'good fucking morning'. His reflection smiled.

Severus had been thinking of James' birthday since the beginning of February, it was not until late March but it concerned him already. He wanted to give him something, something special, something personal.

James had given Severus a flying paper bird for his birthday, which was not very special at all. But Severus still kept it in the draw of his nightstand, even though it had stopped flying weeks ago.

He thought he knew James rather well by now, he had, eventually, learnt to address him by his first name, but to find a good and personal present still seemed impossible.

The thought of asking Lupin had crossed his mind, but even though Lupin was harmless, Severus was sure he would tell Black, and the fact that Severus wanted to get James a birthday present would not please Black at all.

Black had never been a happy person, Severus could not remember when he last saw him smile. The only time he seemed nearly satisfied was when he got to hit someone a little too hard on the back of their head.

But Severus had always thought of him as a very respecting person. He had never been rude or audacious to him. Until now.

After Christmas Black had been almost as dismissal to Severus as Lily was to James. And he would not let James and Severus alone if he could avoid it.

Severus could see the jealousy burn in his eyes every time he saw them together. He probably thought Severus was trying to steal his best friend. Which he was, in a kind of way.

He hated to admit it, but he had realised how socialising with James had slowly replaced most of the time he would have spent with Lily.

He had tried really hard to talk to Lily about what concerned her. But she would not listen, every time he had been about to ask her something that felt serious, she had quickly changed the subject, or found an excuse to leave.

She had been avoiding him. She was hanging around with a group of Gryffindor girls in their class, but she never looked like she really enjoyed their company. Severus had been watching them from time to time, most of the time Lily would sit quiet and read.

Avery had invited three more people to Severus' Dark Arts lessons. Severus was cross with him for doing that without asking him first. But they all seemed very serious about becoming Death Eaters, and would all swear to him they would not tell a soul what he was doing.

They were all eager to pay him as well. Together they worked out a schedule for when they had their classes, what they would learn, and when to pay.

They met three times a week, in the Room of Requirement, which one of the boys had suggested as a meeting point. Severus had never seen that room before, but it was perfect for their secret meetings.

They paid him every Thursday after the class. Everyone was being very punctual with the payment. It surprised Severus.

All of them were far bigger than him and looked rather aggressive. If someone would say they would not pay he would certainly not make a fuss of it. But they had some kind of respect for him.

Severus liked being a teacher. He liked that all of a sudden his great interest in reading and learning had become useful.

The fifteenth of February was a Sunday. What Severus missed most with not being close to Lily anymore was the Sundays they had spent together.

He still thought of Lily when he walked out of the Great Hall after breakfast. He was on his way to the library when she suddenly stood right in front of him in the Entrance Hall. She looked upset.

"Hi there", Severus said and smiled nervously.

"Hi", Lily's voice was stiff, as if she was holding her crying back.

"What's the matter?" Severus asked.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" Lily said and looked down at the floor. "And talk."

"The astronomy tower?" Severus asked.

Lily nodded and they quickly walked up the stairs.

Severus looked at her from the corner of his eye. Her lips where tightly pressed together and her eyes were still stodgily staring on the floor.

When they got up to the Astronomy tower Lily sat down on the floor of one of the balconies. It was partly underneath the roof which had stopped the snow from falling on that part, but it was cold up there and Severus shivered when he sat down next to her.

They were quiet for a while. Then Lily took a deep breath as if it was the last one she would ever take.

"Okay, I'm going to tell you now", she still would not meet Severus' gaze. "I'm going to tell you why I've been weird and stuff." She paused. Closed her eyes. Then she opened them and looked straight at Severus. "I love you."

For a moment Severus thought it was the Valentines Day spell that was back. When he realised that was not the case his mouth fell open in surprise.

"Wh…" He stopped himself. Closed his mouth. Opened it again. Tried to say something but his brain did not communicate with his tongue.

Lily turned her face away again. Tears were running down her cheeks.

"I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember", her voice was just a whisper, very faint and very fragile. "I think I didn't really admit it to myself first. But I know now. I think of you all the time, I can't sleep. And before I used to love the times we spent together, but now it's just torture being around you… I know you're thinking of someone as well. And it isn't me, is it?"

Her voice almost went away completely at the last words. Her crying became heavier and her body was shivering.

Severus felt as if someone had grabbed his throat and twisted it. He could not breath properly, his heart was covered in needles. He felt sick.

"I'm so sorry Lily", his voice sounded hoarse and weak. "I had no idea."

Lily was quiet. Severus wanted to hug her, and tell her that everything would be fine. But he could not comfort her. He was not the right person. He was the evil one. And he still had to tell her something that would make her even more unhappy.

"And I'm sorry for acting like this. I haven't been a good friend lately. I'm sorry." Lily was still quiet. "You're right; I am in love with someone else…"

Lily looked up, her face was soaked in tears. The green eyes expressed only hurt and despair.

"I want to be happy for you", she said. Slowly the stubbornness pushed the despair in her eyes away, she straightened her back and looked him in the eyes. "I'm really gonna try and be happy."

Severus was impressed by how strong she was. She loved him deeply enough to be happy for him. She was an amazing person. He almost wished his love for her could reach further than friendship. But it would never do.

"Who?" Lily asked. Her face was still shiny wet, but no tears were running from her eyes anymore. She looked at him. "Who is she?"

_She_, Severus bit his tongue. Lily said she wanted to be happy for him, but would she be able to accept his sexuality as well? Or was it going to be too much?

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier…" He began. Now he had to turn his gaze down to the floor. He could not look at her. "It's not a she. It's a boy. And it's James Potter."

The silence that arose after his words was the most uncomfortable silence Severus had experienced. He could feel the aftertaste of the words in his mouth, could feel how the silent echo still lay in the air and how the actual words had slapped Lily straight in the face.

"You…" Lily's voice had changed. Severus looked up and her face now expressed a mixture of shock and disgust. "You're gay?" She barely pronounced the words, her lips were moving but her vocal cords did not sound.

Severus nodded. This was not good. This was a bad reaction. Very bad.

Lily leaned back against the balcony railing. She looked up on the ceiling. Down on her shoes, up on the ceiling again, she put her hand over her forehead. Her eyes were big as tablespoons and her mouth was open.

"You've been gay since…" She stopped. Leaned her body over, leaned back again. "For how long have you been… Gay?" Before Severus could answer she carried on talking. "Oh my god, Severus, this isn't good. Homosexuality was illegal until… not even ten years ago! This is bad, Severus."

"I… I can't help it…" Severus whispered.

Lily was obviously in a very bad state of shock. She did not seem to realise Severus could hear what she said.

"Hey Lily", Severus tried to touch her shoulder but that made her quickly stand up and back a few steps away from him.

"Don't", she whispered. She stared at him as if she saw a demon.

"Lily, please", Severus got up on his feet as well. He carefully stretched out his open hand towards her. Lily slowly shook her head.

"Don't", she whispered again. Then she ran out of the Astronomy tower and slammed the door behind her.

Severus stood there, alone, with his hand stretched out until the cold had turned it purple. Then he went out on the balcony and covered both his hands with snow.

He met up with James in the Trophy room after dinner.

"We've got a problem", James said after kissing him.

"If that applies to both of us I've got two problems", Severus sighed. James stroked a strip of hair away from Severus' face.

"What's the matter?" He asked. "You don't look very happy."

Severus sighed again and walked away from James. He sat down on the floor, leaned his back against the wall.

"I know you don't like Lily", Severus began. James held his palms up in front of him as soon as he heard Lily's name.

"I would be nice to her if she was to me", he said in a defensive tone.

"It's not about you and Lily, let me finish", Severus got annoyed.

"Sorry then." James said, obviously confused over Severus' mood.

Severus rubbed his temples with his thumb and his index finger.

"Okay", he said. "So Lily has been my best friend, my only friend, since we were seven, and I've noticed something has been bothering her lately, and I had the feeling it was because of me, not telling her everything, like I used to."

Potter raised his eyebrows.

"You used to tell her everything?"

"Pretty much", Severus answered.

"Wow", Potter said. "So that's what it's like to have a girl best friend."

"Anyway", Severus continued. "As you know I've kept my feelings for you a secret even to Lily. Until now."

"You told her about us?" James looked surprised, and nervous.

"Yes I did", Severus said. "I didn't have a choice, James, she would have found out soon enough anyway. However, she didn't take it well at all. She called me gay and ran off."

James shook his head as he walked back and fro in the room. He looked stiff.

"Severus…" He said slowly and stopped in front of Severus. He went down on his knees and put one hand on Severus' shoulder. "You're very open-minded, and that's partly why I love you, but you're a bit naive sometimes, all people aren't as open-minded as you, in fact, very few are. And I don't know about the muggleworld, but in the wizardingworld homosexuality is not very accepted."

Severus felt guilty for being so naive and even for a moment think that James and he would be able to have a normal official relationship. He turned his face down. James' fingers gently stroked his shoulder.

"I just hoped Lily would understand…" he said weakly.

"I see", James sat down next to Severus and took his hand. "She's quite an open-minded person though, isn't she?"

"She used to be", Severus mumbled.

"Don't you think it's because of me then?" James asked. "Maybe this whole gay-thing wouldn't be so bad for her if it wasn't me?"

"I just can't see why you hate each other so much", Severus sighed. "You're lovely people, both of you, I'm sure you'd be friends if you just tried."

James sighed as well.

"I'll try and be nice to her", he said. "But not because I like her, I'm only doing it for you", he smiled and messed up his hair with his free hand.

"Thanks", Severus smiled back. Although he had a feeling Lily was not going to change her mind anytime soon.

"So", Severus began after a moment of silence. "What's the problem you wanted to talk about?"

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot", James got a tired expression on his face. "It's Sirius." He rolled his eyes. "He's being such a child; he won't leave me alone for five minutes. I had to tell him I had detention to get here tonight."

"Mm, I've noticed." Severus said. "But what can we do about it?"

"Don't know, I think he's jealous. Not that he's gay as well", he laughed. "But it's always been him and me, you know, and now I'm hanging out with you quite a lot and yeah, I guess he feels replaced somehow."

"I see", Severus said.

"Can't we just make Sirius and Lily fall in love with each other?" James said and laughed. "That would be great, wouldn't it?"

"It would", Severus smiled at the thought of Lily and Black together. It felt very improbable.

"Anyway", James continued after his laughing attack. "I guess we'll have to figure something out. And about you and me, I don't think we should mention it to anyone else yet. They're not ready. Unfortunately."

Severus nodded seriously and James leaned over and kissed him.

_Oh my, oh me, homosexual love story in the seventies. Could only end in misery. Right...?_

_Love_

_Apfel_


	13. Chapter 13

_**June 15 1976**_

Even before he opened his eyes in the morning Severus had a feeling this day was not going to be a good day. But he did not know that the day would turn out to be one of the worst days of his life.

It was Tuesday, but all their classes were cancelled because of their O.W.L tests.

Severus thought for a moment that it might be nervousness for the test but he dismissed the thought straight away. It could not have anything to do with the O., as Severus was more than certain he knew everything he needed and more. But he could still not help feeling like something was not right.

Lily had avoided him for two months, ever since the day in the astronomy tower when they told each other about their feelings.

Severus had tried hard to speak to her. In fact, he had tried basically everything to get back in contact with her, everything apart from violence.

But today was different, today was an odd day, he felt very desperate to speak to Lily about the strange feeling he could not get rid of, he was in great need of a friend. Just somebody to talk to.

So when he saw Lily walking out of the Great Hall after breakfast he ran up behind her.

"Lily, please, talk to me", he pleaded. Lily ignored him as usual and tried to walk away.

"Oh for Gods sake Lily," Severus shouted. "Just look at me!" He grabbed her wrist and forced her to turn around.

It happened too quickly for Severus to react. Suddenly he felt a burning pain in his cheek where Lily's palm had slapped him.

"Don't touch me", she whispered through her tightly pressed together lips. "You're filthy, fag." Her eyes shot lightning of hate and anger. She jerked her arm out of Severus' hand, and then she turned and walked away.

Severus lifted his hand and carefully touched his cheek where Lily's palm had left a bright red mark. His eyes were wet, whether it was because of the physical pain or the mental he could not determine.

All he knew was that a boiling lake of anger had awoken inside him at the very moment Lily's hand touched his face.

And it was dangerously close to overcook, and what would happen when it did? He had no idea, he could not think of it.

Severus' thoughts were covered by a mental wet blanket. He felt as if he was walking around on the bottom of a swimming pool. Under water.

When he walked through the Great Hall a large number of students and a few ghosts had stopped and seen when Lily slapped him. Surely they had heard what she called him as well.

Severus was aware of them, but in some way they did not exist in the same universe, they felt like illusions, just hollow masks of the people he knew. They did not look the same, nothing looked the same, and he saw everything through a fine layer of water. Everything seemed so distant and different, and he could not even think straight about it.

He did the test as if he was a machine, his hands knew what to write and they wrote. His brain was turned off, lost in a monotonous static sound that he knew only he could hear.

All the other students, and professor Flitwick, who walked around between the benches, looked so unfamiliar to him, and yet he knew they were all the same, nothing had changed. But everything had changed.

When he walked out of the castle after finishing the test he was still lost in some kind of Limbo where neither thoughts nor feelings existed.

He did not remember sitting down in the shade of the bushes near the large tree by the lake, but he did, probably something in his subconscious had made him follow James' voice, as he was sitting by the tree accompanied by Black, Lupin and Pettigrew.

But at the moment Severus had no awareness of time or space or the people around him. He was still at the bottom of a swimming pool.

"Snivellus!" Suddenly he was shaken back to reality by the voice of James Potter. A voice that normally sounded kind and beautiful to him, but today was different. Maybe it was because of the static inside Severus' brain, or the mental water that surrounded him, but the voice he heard did not belong to the James he knew.

And when he turned his gaze up and saw the evil glint in James' eyes it was like a plug had been pulled out of the swimming pool. The ground began to spin under his feet, it increased within seconds and everything turned into a blur of colours.

For the first time since Lily slapped him in the morning Severus actually felt something. He felt fear. He had no idea what was happening to him, his world turned itself inside out and he did not know what to do about it.

Somehow he managed to get his wand out, it was a defensive impulse, but rather useless as he did not know how to defend himself against what was happening.

"Expelliarmus!" James' voice sounded miles away, and in the next moment Severus' wand had flown out of his hand.

Half throwing himself, half falling to his knees, Severus desperately tried to find his wand in the mess of colours that surrounded him.

"Impedimenta!" Blacks voice, also distant. A pressure landed very suddenly on Severus from behind and threw his body down on the ground.

He gasped for air, his head burning while the blood rushed through his body, he felt sick.

He could hear James' and Black's voices talking, other people laughing. Slowly his vision got a bit clearer, he tried to get up but he was still forced to the ground by Black's spell.

"You just wait", he moaned quietly.

More words from James and Black that he could not hear properly, and the crowd laughed again.

Then suddenly he felt a strong taste in his throat, for a moment he thought he was going to be sick, but the next second soap bubbles were flowing out of his mouth, almost choking him, leaving an unbearable taste of washing up liquid.

"Leave him alone!" Lily's screaming voice was heard clearly over everything else, but it had changed as well in Severus' ears. The sound of her voice used to express warmth and happiness, now it was the voice of the person who had just slapped Severus in the face and called him a fag.

He could see the blurry silhouettes of James when he turned to Lily and heard their distant voices as they argued.

As he jerked his body he felt that Black's spell had eased and he localised his wand on the ground a few meters away from him. He slowly managed to crawl towards it.

His brain was overfilled with impressions, obviously it could not handle all this at the same time. Severus knew he would feel hurt, in fact, heartbroken, by James' sudden behaviour, but for now, what was on the top of his brain's priority list was to defend himself. He knew how to defend himself, he had been practising for this his entire life.

When he reached his wand and pointed it towards the silhouette that was James the spell seemed to come from his heart rather than his tongue.

A flash of light flew straight towards James, several gasps were heard in the crowd, which confirmed Severus had hit him.

Suddenly Severus found himself hanging upside down in the air, his cloak falling down over his face.

He desperately tried to think of what to do while the blood quickly went down to his head and made it ache even more.

He heard Lily's voice again, telling James to leave Severus alone.

Before he knew it he landed head first on the ground. When he managed to lift his upper body on his arms he got a flash of Lily's face.

Lily was a bad actress, even though the feelings in her voice had sounded real anyone could tell the expression on her face was satisfaction. As she looked down at Severus, he was sure he could see the trace of a smile on her lips.

"I don't need your help, you filthy little mudblood." His own voice was probably the one that sounded most unfamiliar to him. It was hoarse and cool, it sounded like a voice belonging to a corpse that had just risen from its grave.

Severus knew what the words meant, and he knew the consequences of them leaving his mouth. James, and Lily as well, knew very well that Severus had never had anything against muggleborns. And Severus was shocked as well of himself saying the word 'mudblood'. But he could not think of anything else to call her, he just wanted to hurt her, he wanted to make her suffer as she had made him suffer.

Suddenly he was back hanging upside down again. James's wand was raised and pointed at him.

Severus could see Black's evil grin just behind James, he even laughed, for the first time in years. The thoughts swirled in Severus' head. Black must have set James up to this. He must have. James would never do this.

But when he caught a glimpse of James' face from underneath his cloak he did not recognise him. The face of his attacker was as cold as a rock, his eyes two black wells which seemed to want to drown anyone who came too close.

Everyone else laughed, but Severus knew James well enough to see that this was not just a bad joke, James was furious.

"What are you doing? Potter!" Severus felt relieved when he heard professor McGonagall's voice. The next second he was on the ground again. "He tried to get up but his body was too heavy, and so was his head. All he could do was lying in the grass listening to the furious voice of McGonagall when she told James and Black off.

With his unclear vision Severus could see how James ran off in anger and how McGonagall shouted after him to come back, before she walked up to Severus.

"Oh Merlin, he's pale as a sheet", a figure blocked the sun and Severus realised McGonagall stood just in front of him. "Adams? Adams?" She shouted.

"I'm here, professor McGonagall", said the voice of Florence Adams from Severus' class.

"Oh, there you are, could you please help Snape up to the hospital wing for me?" McGonagall asked. "I'm going to have to find Potter, he's not getting away with this."

Severus felt how Florence grabbed his wrist and pulled him to his feet, then she put his arm around her neck, she was taller, and much stronger than him, and she basically carried him all the way up to the hospital.

"Gosh, Snape, have you learnt now? See what happens when you hang out with Gryffindors", she groaned quietly, more to herself than to Severus when she put him down on a bed in the hospital.

The last thing Severus remembered before he got knocked out by some kind of tranquilliser was professor Dumbledore's blurry face leaning above his bed.

When he woke up again it was dark outside the windows. The room was softly lightened by the magic torches on the walls.

Severus sat up in bed and looked around. He was alone. All the other beds that were standing in perfect rows were empty, and neatly made, when he let his gaze walk along them he awkwardly got a feeling of being in a mental hospital.

He felt weak, and his body ached from bruises.

"Good evening, Severus", professor Dumbledore's voice gave him a fright and he quickly turned to the door where Dumbledore had just appeared.

"God evening, sir", Severus said. His voice sounded about as weak and fragile as he felt and he cleared his throat.

"I brought you some toast", Dumbledore said as he walked up to the bed and put down a plate on Severus' lap. Severus looked down at the slices of toast covered with jam. He had no appetite.

"Maybe a cup of tea", Dumbledore said and got his wand out, waved it in the direction of madame Pomfrey's office and soon came a steaming teapot and two mugs floating out of the doorway.

Dumbledore caught the teapot and poured tea into the mugs, then handed one of them to Severus and put the pot down on his nightstand.

Severus held the mug in both hands, felt how it warmed up his blood and made it circulate faster. He took a sip of tea. It was sweet, probably from some kind of honey extract.

Dumbledore sat down on the bed with the mug in his hand. Severus avoided his gaze.

"So Severus", he began. "Do you want to tell me what happened today?"

Severus sighed.

"I don't really know what happened", he said quietly. "It's all diffuse, I can just remember parts. I know James attacked me and I just tried to defend myself…" He looked down into the dark liquid that circled in the mug. "Something happened to me, it was like… Like I was drugged or something, it was certainly some really strong kind of magic, but I have no idea who did it to me." He looked up at Dumbledore. "Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you know what it was?"

Dumbledore nodded seriously.

"What you experienced, Severus, had nothing to do with magic at all", he said in a very calm and relaxed voice.

"What?" Severus asked in disbelief.

"You had a panic attack", Dumbledore continued. "They are actually rather common for young people with traumatic backgrounds. They always come in very different ways though, in this case I suppose you had an emotional crisis which disengaged the attack, and your brain tried to shut down your body." Severus felt how his eyes grew wider. "It's a very defensive act, I have seen it before, quite a few times actually, and as I said, mostly in teenage people with emotionally traumatic experiences", Dumbledore continued.

Severus was shocked; he had to put his mug down on the nightstand.

"How do you know all this?" he asked.

A trace of a smile flew quickly over Dumbledore's lips as he looked down on his mug.

"I studied human biology in an earlier life", he said and took a sip of his tea. Then he turned back to Severus. "It wasn't my cup of tea."

Severus felt how a faint smile grew on his own lips at Dumbledore's words; he surely was a special person.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and pushed his glasses up on his nose.

"So you should not have reason to be worried", he said. "Unless you won't eat those pieces of toast because then I'm afraid you're going to starve."

Severus nodded.

"Professor", he asked.

"Yes, Severus."

Severus twisted his body uncomfortably in bed, he did not know how to say what he wanted to say. Maybe because of the fact that he did not know how much Dumbledore knew about his relationship to James.

"James and I…", he began. "Well…"

"You are quite close, right?" Dumbledore filled in with a serious expression.

"Yes, sir", Severus answered. "We are, very. I mean, since Christmas we've been like… Best friends…"

"But today he attacked you", Dumbledore said.

"Yes, and I have no idea why", Severus said. Suddenly he felt miserable, he had not really been thinking of the fact that James attacked him since his brain got clear again. But now it all came as a shockwave around his heart. It felt painful.

"You didn't do anything that could have upset him?" Dumbledore asked.

"No, nothing", Severus said defensively. "Unless I've been sleepwalking", he murmured in an unhappy voice.

"Then I don't see any other solution than to ask him what the matter is", Dumbledore said and raised his eyebrows.

Severus looked at him, downhearted.

"What if he won't talk to me?" he asked.

"Oh he will", Dumbledore said and nodded. "I've got the feeling James might be thinking the same about you right now." He smiled at Severus again, then he stood up and walked through the room to the door.

"How can you…" Severus shouted after him as he walked out of the door. "…be so sure?" he said quietly to himself.

When Severus passed the Trophy room the next morning, the door opened and somebody grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the room.

"Seriously", Severus panted in surprise when James closed the door behind them.

Severus stood in the middle of the room, a few metres away from James. When he turned around from the door and met Severus' gaze his eyes were still black with anger.

They stood there, for a while, staring into each other's eyes. Then James broke the silence.

"Better than me, isn't he?" his voice was stiff and dry.

"Who?" Severus asked surprised.

"Don't treat me like a child, I know, Sev", James glared at him from underneath the black edge of his glasses. He looked very bitter and very upset.

"Seriously, I have no idea what you're on about", Severus shook his head.

"Oh for fuck sake", James drew his wand out and pointed it at Severus' chest.

Severus resisted the impulse to hold his palms up in front of him; he was not going to play James' stupid game.

But before he could say something James began to talk again.

"I trusted you, I loved you, I still do for fuck sake, I love you so much it's freaking painful! And I thought you felt the same for me. You said you did. But it was all lies. Why, Severus, why? To get me into bed? To crush my dignity? Do you want to see me cry? Is that what you want Severus? Then look!"

Tears were streaming down James' face, his voice had gone from steadily hateful to trembling. His wand was still pointed at Severus' heart.

Severus had to turn his gaze to the floor, even though he did not know the reason of James' crying it was unbearable to watch.

"Look at me!" James yelled, he stepped closer to Severus and grabbed his face between his hands. "Why Severus? Why?" Severus felt bad for something he had not done.

"James", he tried to sound calm and sophisticated, maybe that would make James act more reasonably. "I have still no idea what you're talking about."

James pushed Severus away from him.

"Stop acting like a lunatic, Severus", he said angrily.

"But seriously, James, I don't get it", Severus started to get impatient. "I should be cross with you, you were the one who humiliated me in front of everyone yesterday."

"You know why."

"No James, I don't!" Severus shouted. "I don't know what you're so cross about, please tell me."

"I know about you and Ossoinak!" James shouted while new tears were forming in his eyes.

The room was completely silent for a few seconds which felt more like minutes.

"What?" Severus spat out. It was all he could say. He hardly understood what James meant, it all sounded too surreal to be true.

"Evans told me", James began. "She told me everything. How you've been playing with me and laughing at my credulity, and, and…" The crying overtook his voice and James fell sobbing down to the floor.

Severus was paralysed, so Lily had actually decided to ruin his relationship with James. That was how much she hated him. For the first time since the word mudblood had left his lips he did not regret saying it.

He had tried really hard to understand Lily, and be supportive, a good friend. And this was how she thanked him.

She could not let him be happy. Because if he was happy she would not be. But it was unfair. Severus had always loved James, ever since the first time he saw him. If Lily could not accept that she certainly deserved to be insulted.

Severus felt how his body had begun to shiver. His muscles were tensed. The anger he felt was too overwhelming to fit inside him. He wanted to scream it all out. He felt like killing someone.

But the look of James sitting crouched on the floor, crying, made him gather his feelings inside and putting a lid on top of them.

He sighed and walked closer to James. He went down on his knees, put his arms gently around James' shivering body.

"I love you", he said slowly. "Only you. And I think you know that."

"Evans said…" James began.

"She lied."

"Why would she lie about that?"

Severus sat quiet for a while.

"Because she's in love with me." James looked up, his face was still wet from tears.

"What?" he whispered.

"She told me about two months ago", Severus said and nodded. "I thought she was going to be alright with it, but obviously I was wrong."

They were quiet for a while.

"So there's… There's nothing going on between you and Ossoinak then?" James asked quietly. Severus could not stop himself from moaning.

"No! Never been, is that what she said?"

"Well", James leaned back and took his glasses off to rub his eyes. "She said I shouldn't get too attached to you because you were just playing with me, and you're actually going out with Ossoinak. So then I went to him and asked what was going on between you, and he didn't deny it, in fact, he was being really weird."

Severus rolled his eyes.

"Ossoinak _is_ weird", he said. "He's just one of those people a normal person couldn't possibly understand."

"Yeah", James smiled a little. "I've never spoken to him before, what is that accent he's got, it's really strange isn't it."

"I know", Severus nodded. "I bet it's just an accent that he made up just to sound even weirder."

They both laughed tiredly. Then Severus leaned forward and wiped some of James' tears away from his face.

"I love you, James, I don't want anyone else, ever."

James bent his head down, he lifted his hand to Severus'.

"Crap, I'm so sorry Severus", he whispered, still facing the floor. "I should have acted more mature, I should have just asked you instead of… Being stupid."

"It's okay", Severus said. "You were hurt, I know how it feels." He bent down and kissed James' lips.

"So we're alright now?" James asked. "You sure you don't hate me?"

"I'm, sure." They smiled.

_So Snape's worst memory turned out to be a massive misunderstanding. I've turned Lily into a bitch :''( And I'm as sorry for that as anyone else, I'll just blame love. As always._

_Love_

_Apfel_


	14. Chapter 14

_**June 21, 1976**_

They had got their results and the summer holiday was coming. Severus had not had energy or time to consider where he was going to spend the summer. Obviously he could not go back to Spinners End.

Eileen had not contacted him once, not in the whole school year. And he saw it as a sign. She had chosen Tobias before him. He was not really upset. Although he got an awkward feeling somewhere behind his ribs every time he thought of it. The best solution he could find was not to think about it.

When James offered him to come and live with his family he said yes.

So in the morning at the twentyfirst of June Severus packed his trunk. When he folded his belongings neatly he realised that when he got back after the summer it would be his last year at Hogwarts.

The thought scared him a little, Hogwarts was the only place that had ever been a home to him, what would he do when he could not go here anymore? He would have to find a job. And grow up.

He did not feel grown up at all. Although he did have quite a lot of money saved. Mainly from his Dark Arts classes he held for Avery and the other boys. So money was not really a problem.

He heard voices coming from the staircase outside the door. And soon Virgo and Samuel came in.

"Snape", they nodded at him and he nodded back. That was how they usually said hello. They had finally accepted the fact that he was not really one of them. That he was different.

Severus looked around the room to see if he had forgotten to pack something. His gaze stopped at the oblong mirror. His reflection leaned it's head to one side as if to examine himself. He looked tall. That was all he could think. Was that really the reflection of the same boy as he had seen in there, three, four and five years earlier? Soon he would not be a boy anymore.

Severus shook his head, he turned back to the trunk on his bed and closed the lid hard.

Do you need help with that, Sev?" James' voice was high pitched with exaltation when he asked Severus about his trunk.

"I'll manage", he said and smiled at James. He got his trunk on the train. The Hogwarts Express stood, once again in the platform, ready to take the children from Hogwarts for the summer holidays. It looked majestic with its large chimneys that gleamed in the hot sun, they gave away a strong pounding, not unlike a heartbeat.

Severus felt happy when he entered a compartment along with James. When the door slid shut behind them James kissed him quickly.

"You'll love Brighton", he said when he sat down.

"I hope so", Severus answered and sat down by the window opposite James. He looked into those beautiful brown eyes that shone behind the glasses and filled him with joy and a feeling that this was to be the best summer of his life.

"Hey there, you two", a hoarse voice that Severus recognised as Remus Lupins reached his eardrums and he turned his gaze away from James and smiled at Lupin when he walked into the compartment. He sat down next to Severus and sighed.

"Sometimes I wish we got to stay at Hogwarts over the summer", he said in a dreamy voice and looked out the window at the top of the Astronomy tower that stuck up behind the treetops. "I always miss it a lot more than I think I will."

"I see what you mean", James said.

"Don't some of the teachers live here? Like, permanent?" Lupin asked.

"I think some of them do", James nodded. Severus listened to their conversation, but he did not feel like being a part of it. He was still a quiet person.

"Remus, why did you run away from me like that?" A squeaky voice and Peter Pettigrew walked into the compartment and sat down next to James.

"I didn't run away, Peter", Lupin said in a slightly annoyed tone. "I told you I was going to the train, it's your fault you couldn't get your hands of your little girlfriend."

"Oh, Peter, you've got a girlfriend?" James said and beat Pettigrews shoulder in a manly way, but obviously a bit too hard because Pettigrew began to cough horribly.

Severus had to tense his facial muscles to not smile at Pettigrews coughing attack. He was such a wimp. He was still tiny. His body was skinny in an unnatural looking way, not like Lupin who was thin but at least looked proportional. Pettigrew just looked strange. His protruding eyes were always wide open, and looked far too big for his bony face, his gaze constantly wandering around in a nervous way that made him look as if he was expecting somebody to attack him.

"She's not my girlfriend", he squeaked when he got his breath back. "I think..."

"You think?" James said and raised his eyebrows.

"Oh come on, Pete, you were all over each other when I left you", Lupin said and made sour face before he picked up a newspaper and opened it over his face.

"So what's her name?" James asked.

"Laura Coleman", Pettigrew said.

"That's a nice name, is she nice then, I mean nice looking?" James asked and looked at Pettigrew with interest. Lupin coughed behind his newspaper and mimicked the words 'not at all' to Severus.

Pettigrew began to talk about this Laura girl, using words he obviously had no idea of what they meant. Severus pretended to listen while he studied James' face. Suddenly he wondered if James had ever found women attractive. For himself he knew he never had. And certainly never would. He liked the female body the same way as he liked looking at a portrait of a landscape. Beautiful, but not attracting. He wondered if James felt the same.

"Where's Sirius by the way?" Severus woke up from his thoughts when James mentioned Blacks name.

"He said he had some 'stuff to sort out before leaving'", Lupin said with a shrug and lowered the newspaper to his lap. "Don't know at all what, he seemed really grumpy this morning."

"I see", James said, and an odd look came over his face, a look that Severus had not seen much of, it looked quite a bit like sympathy. And the look flew quietly over the compartment to Lupin and stuck on his face as well.

"He probably wishes he could stay at Hogwarts for the summer as well", Lupin said and drew invisible patterns on the paper with his index finger.

"Yeah, he might be hiding somewhere in the castle right now, hoping no one will find him before the train leaves", James said with a smile that was obviously faked.

"Not cool, James, not cool", Lupin said shaking his head, but he smiled as well.

"What's not cool?" Black said as he walked in through the compartment door, at the same time as the train whistled loudly before it slowly began to move away from the platform. Black's eyes were red edged as if he had not had enough sleep - Or been crying. He sat down heavily next to Pettigrew, his shoulders lowered and his chin near his chest. He looked upset.

Severus felt how the atmosphere in the compartment got stiff as soon as Black entered. That awkward feeling when someone walks in and you think he can smell he has just been spoken of. He hoped the feeling could somehow get left behind as the trains speed increased steadily.

"Everything is not cool", James said in a normal conversation tone. "This heat wave for example, you know, they said on the news it hasn't been this hot in the UK like ever."

"That's true", Lupin said. "It's in the Daily Prophet as well." He folded the paper and held it up in front of him for the other ones to see.

"'1976 is the hottest year in the UK since records began'", James read. "That's rather sick isn't it? Can I have that?" He took the paper from Lupin and examined it. "Muggles are going nuts, people are fainting in the streets of London. How come muggles go nuts? They don't even wear proper clothes. I mean, they don't wear as warm clothes as we do."

"I guess it's not just muggles going nuts", Lupin said. "It's probably just selling better. And besides, there are more muggles than wizards, so obviously more muggles would faint of the heat."

"Or maybe muggles are just too stupid to drink water", for a moment Severus thought it was Sirius Black's voice, but when he looked at the door he realised it was Regulus who silently had slipped in.

"Shut up if you don't have anything sane to say", Sirius snapped at Regulus.

"It's just my argument, I'm allowed to speak it, it's called liberty of speech", Regulus said in a cool voice, obviously intending to provoke Sirius.

"Then speak your bloody argument somewhere else, I don't want to hear it", Sirius said. His voice staggering and his eyes darkening.

"You're such a wimp, Sirius, you know that? Hanging around with mudbloods and muggle-lovers, I'm honestly not surprised mum and dad would..." Regulus was interrupted when Sirius got up and punched him straight in the face. He almost fell over but as soon as he regained his balance he went back to Sirius and they both were on their way into an aggressive physical fight.

Then James and Lupin got up to their feet at the same time. Lupin stepped up to Sirius and held him back and James, rather more harshly than Lupin, locked Regulus' arms behind his back.

"You know, I used to wish I had a brother", he said, still holding Regulus' arms tightly. "You two should try and appreciate each other for being different."

"Tell that to him", Sirius shouted, his black hair fell down over his face but Severus could tell from his voice he was not far from tears. The next second Sirius had got himself out of Lupins grip and ran out of the compartment through the corridor.

"Sirius", Lupin shouted after him. "Look what you've done, idiot." Severus was sure Lupin would have slapped Regulus if he had a lost just a teaspoon more of self control. But just hearing him saying 'idiot' was weird enough. Lupin never swore, and he never got upset or angry, he was always calm and disciplined. But now his face tensed with frustration and anger, he turned away from Regulus and ran after Sirius out of the door and slammed it behind him.

"Let go of me, Potter", Regulus said through his teeth which were tightly pressed together. Blood dripped from his nose, he still struggled trying to get his arms free.

"I will, Regulus, if you'll just calm down", James said slowly with a cool voice.

"Fine", Regulus stopped struggling. "I'm calm, let me go now." James let go of Regulus' arms.

"Now leave Sirius alone, he's got different opinions than the rest of your family, but that doesn't give you the rights to bully him." James sounded angry.

"You know the Dark Lord is getting more powerful, Potter", Regulus looked up at James with bottomless eyes, his voice had grown hoarse, it was almost a whisper, but Severus could hear it clearly, and a cold feeling like ice against his spine began when he heard the words 'Dark Lord'. "You all know it, and when he's as powerful as he can he'll kill all muggle-lovers, or as you like to say; 'People with different opinions'. So no Potter, I'm not leaving Sirius alone, not until he decides to choose the side that survives."

Regulus wiped the blood of his nose with the back of his hand and walked out of the compartment. He left a thick silence behind him.

Potter sat down again, opposite Severus. Pettigrews eyes seemed wider than usual, and he was chewing a piece of chocolate in an obsessed kind of way.

The three of them were silent, but Severus was sure he could sense all of them thought about the same thing. The Dark Lord. Voldemort. It was serious now. Severus had read a lot about it in the Newspapers and heard it on the radio. The Dark Lord was allying more death eaters, and he got more powerful.

As if the thoughts of the Dark Lord had attracted him, Avery opened the compartment door.

"Snape", He walked straight up to Severus, ignoring Potter and Pettigrew. He pointed his index finger at Severus and jerked his head in the direction of the compartment door. "Need to talk to you, in privacy. Now."

Severus could not help rolling his eyes at James when he stood up and walked after Avery out of the compartment. Avery looked so much smaller without Crabbe and Goyle behind him. He was shorter than Severus, who was still below the average length for boys their age, but as Severus looked at Avery he assumed he tried to complete his shortness by being as impolite as possible.

"Thought you knew summer means no magic, Avery", Severus said coldly when they got out in the corridor.

"What I do in the summer is none of your business, Snape", Avery said. "But as you know I'm still intending to become a you-know-what, and I am not alone." He stepped closer to Severus to let some younger students pass behind him in the corridor. He was so close their noses almost touched.

"We want you to carry on this, shall we call it training, in the summer, and as you know, we're getting to the advanced stuff now, so I want you to send me detailed reports on how to continue, do you understand?"

Severus felt the unpleasant smell of Averys breath, and the closeness made him feel claustrophobic.

"What if I don't want to be your teacher in the summer?" He said. "In fact, what if I don't want to be your teacher at all? What if I quit?"

Severus had never seen so much anger grow so quickly as it did in Avery's eyes. He leaned even closer to Severus, who could feel the tip of Avery's wand poking his chest.

"Then I'll kill Potter", Avery whispered tonelessly. Then he punched Severus in the stomach so hard Severus sank down to the floor, panting trying to regain his breath. When he looked up again Avery had gone.

The corridor was empty apart from two young girls who were chasing each other. Severus saw them as if through a long, dark tunnel, and heard their laughter as if through water.

He got up to his feet and stumbled through the corridor to the end of the last train wagon. He opened the door and climbed out. The wind whistled in his ears and pulled his hair as the train rushed through the country.

Severus closed the door behind him and sat down on the little step just below the door. He held on tightly to the handle, crouched and made himself as small as possible. He just needed some air. This heat wave was killing him.

_Anything that is not related to elephants is irrelephant!_

_Love_

_Apfel_


	15. Chapter 15

_**June 21, 1976**_

**_-Later-_**

James' father had left a portkey for James and Severus in one of the public toilets at Kings Cross.

Apparently James had been travelling by portkey alone since he was about twelve. He found it as casual as eating a piece of toast. Severus was rather unfamiliar with portkey travelling, and the fact that this particular key was a toilet-brush did not make him more excited.

However, they managed to squeeze themselves along with all their belongings into the cubicle where this special toilet-brush was.

The key was set on a certain time and when they were inside they both took a firm grip around the handle of the brush and then James counted down the seconds while looking at his watch.

When he got to the exact time his father had told him Severus could feel the unpleasant feeling of how his body was harshly pulled upwards.

For a few moments he was spinning uncontrolled through what seemed like a blurry mess of colours, with his right hand glued around the handle of the toilet-brush and his left hand around the handle of his trunk.

Then his feet hit the ground with a heavy thump and he instantly fell to the ground. He felt as if his body had been turned inside out, laundered, wringed out and then finally turned right side out again.

"How are you feeling?" James said with a light and happy voice and put a hand on Severus' shoulder.

"Sick..." Severus muttered slowly. That was when he realised he was lying on a shore. The soft sand tickling his cheek and palms. He rose his upper body and sat up on his knees.

The view that met him was touching. Obviously it was hard to find a landscape beautiful when you just came from Hogwarts. But this was truly amazing.

The shore was completely empty apart from James and Severus and it stretched for miles in both directions. Beyond the line of white sand it met the clear blue waves of the sea. The smell of salt rolled up to shore on the strong winds from the sea, and made the heat bearable.

"This is beautiful", Severus whispered.´

"That's my house up there", James said and pointed in the opposite direction of the shoreline. Severus turned and saw a white stone house on top of a very steep hill, with its back doors and a balcony facing the shore. "And there's my mum!" James said happily and started running up the shore to meet his mother.

Severus suddenly felt very nervous. He was not just shy, he was socially disabled. He should get a doctors certificate to show whenever he got introduced to a new person.

He got up on his feet and walked after James who was now embracing his mum a bit further up on the shore.

The woman whom he was hugging looked older than Severus had imagined. She was tall and thin and wore a purple robe. Her silver hair was tied up in a long plat which lay over her shoulder and sparkled in the sun. Her face was pale and gave the impression that she did not spend much time outside. But her eyes were big and light blue and seemed to glow with youth and joy.

"And this must be Severus", she said when she drew away from James. Severus swallowed down the lump of awkwardness in his throat and reached out his hand.

"Severus", he said quietly and tried to smile. James' mother hugged his hand with both hers and gave him a warm smile.

"I'm Miranda, Severus", she said, still holding his hand between hers. "I'm so glad to finally meet you, James has been writing a lot about you."

"Really?" Severus looked at James.

"Mum, it's not like I write every week", James said.

"It's close enough, honey", Miranda said and messed up James' hair. "My god, James, you're so tall. I can't believe how much you grow in those months you spend at school."

"I think it's you shrinking", James said and made pretend sour face.

"Oh, don't be silly, go into the house you two and I'll apperate your trunks up there for you." She set off down the shore to where their trunks were.

James jerked his head in the direction of the white house on the hill. Him and Severus began to walk up it.

"My mum", James said and smiled while they were walking. "She doesn't really accept I'm sixteen, she wants me to be ten, or seven, or something like that I guess."

"I guess a lot of parents do", Severus said. "She seems kind though."

"Yeah, she is."

It took longer than Severus thought to walk up the hill. James explained the house had to be on the high hill because of the tidal water. The last bit was very steep, almost a ninety degrees angle. But a wooden staircase that must have been built with the strength of magic led them up to the balcony.

The balcony had a magnificent view over the shore and the sea.

"Have you always lived here?" Severus asked as he let his gaze wander over the landscape in front of him.

"No, or well, sort of", James answered and leaned his back against the balcony banisters. "We moved here when I was six I think. Or something like that."

"It's amazing", Severus said. "You should be happy."

"Are you indicating that I'm a brat, Severus?" James asked and pushed Severus' shoulder, he had a teasing smile on his face.

"Not at all", Severus said. "Or well... Maybe..."

"Oh my god, you are, aren't you?" James said, almost laughing.

"Okay, compared to where I grew up this is a fairy castle", Severus said with a shrug.

"And I'm the fairy?" James asked.

"Yes, you don't want to be a fairy?"

"Nah, I'll be a fairy, but only if my wings are purple!"

"You're such a fag", Severus laughed.

"Are you not in yet?" Miranda said and came out on the balcony.

"No, Severus wanted to look at the view", James said.

"It's lovely isn't it?" Miranda said.

"Yes, it's beautiful", Severus answered.

"I sometimes forget what an amazing view it is, because I see it every day. It's when we have visitors and I see their excitement that I realise how lucky we are to live here."

"Yeah, fine mum, let's not get too dramatic now shall we", James said.

"No, I think you should be a good host and show Severus around", Miranda said and turned James around by his shoulders. "Would you like a cup of tea, by the way?"

"Yes, please", Severus said.

"Come on then, I'll show you around", James said and showed Severus to come with him.

They walked in through the balcony door and came into a kitchen. Severus was not accustomed to wizard homes. The only place he had seen in the wizarding world was Hogwarts and its surroundings.

When he now saw all the magic that was around the daily life routines in James' home, for example Miranda making tea, it made him happy, it was like experiencing coming to Hogwarts again.

"Well, this is the kitchen", James said, he did not sound too excited. "It's quite messy, it's probably cause I haven't been here to clean."

Severus heard how Miranda choked on the biscuit she was eating when she heard James, and it made him smile.

"Do you have milk and sugar in your tea, Severus?" She asked when she had regained her breath.

"No thank you, no milk, no sugar", Severus answered.

"Oh really? I've never met a young person who doesn't want milk and sugar in their tea. Well, I suppose that's better for you. You should have a biscuit though, I've made them myself."

"Gosh, mum, you'll make him fat", James said, rolling his eyes.

"I think you'd do with some more weight though, are you hungry? Do you want a sandwich?"

"Oh my god!" James said.

"Just tea, thank you", Severus said, smiling. "And one of your biscuits of course."

They took their tea and a biscuit each, then walked out of the open doorway which led to a big room which seemed to be a combined sitting room and dining room. Right in front of them was a dark red sofa that faced a fire place on the wall opposite them. And two little armchairs in the same red colour as the sofa.

"So this is the sitting room, this is where we sit", James said monotonously, as if reading a text, while chewing his biscuit, then he walked over to their right and showed Severus a long dining table in dark wood with six matching chairs. "And this is the dining room, this is where we dine", he took a sip of his tea. "But only for special occasions, birthdays and stuff you know. Otherwise we eat in the kitchen, or on the balcony."

He looked around as if he was thinking of something else to show Severus.

"The hall", he pointed to their right at another empty doorway which led to the hall. "Let's go upstairs."

The stairs were in the sitting room section, just by the kitchen doorway, Severus followed James up the stairs and on to the next floor.

"There's not much to see up here really", James said and directed Severus through the floor. "Mum's and dad's room", he pointed into the first door which they passed. It was open and Severus could see a bed and another fire place in there.

"The guest room", James said and walked into the next room. "Oh yeah, I guess mum takes it you'll live in here", he said when he saw that Severus' things were standing at the end of the bed.

"That's fine", Severus looked around, the room was bigger than his room at Spinners End, it had a dark blue carpet on the floor, and oak walls. The large windows let in a shower of light. There was a writing desk and a chest of drawers. It looked like a typical guest room, very neat and tidy. He liked it.

James nodded and walked out of the room. Into the one that was next to it.

"My room", he said with a smile as he looked at his room.

Severus stepped inside the room and looked around. The carpet in here was brown, almost the same colour as the oak walls, but they were almost entirely covered by moving posters of quidditch players and a large Gryffindor flag over the bed. There was a book case in the corner and a large wardrobe next to it, a writing desk, exactly the same kind as the one in the guest room stood underneath one of the windows. An empty guitar stand on the floor and two hooks on one wall which Severus assumed was for James' broomstick.

"It's really nice", he said.

"You think so?" James said and put his teacup down on the desk.

"I love it, it's really personal." James nodded and messed up his hair. He walked closer to Severus and leaned his face over his shoulder, kissed his neck gently and let his hands stroke along his back.

"I'm so glad you're here."

"Me too."

As the days went by, and as Severus got to know James' parents, it got clearer and clearer how similar he was to both of them. When Severus got introduced to James' father, Harold, he could tell straight away that's where he had got his looks.

Harold was a tall, athletic man. The age seemed to have emphasised his looks rather than withdrawing them. His hair was black with gray tones in it. His eyes had the same brown colour as James'. His face had a very strong bone structure, with exactly the same kind of chock bones as James had.

Apparently he worked as an auror. And rather intense as well. He was not around very often. And the two gray hounds were trained to follow him and help in his work.

Miranda worked as a healer at saint Mungo's hospital. She would leave the house early in the morning and be back by noon, but most of the time she had to stay late. Although she did not seem to mind working late. She was always happy whenever Severus saw her, even though she looked worn out. When she was at home she would bake biscuits or knit, always with the use of magic.

Severus got used to living with the Potters quickly.

He liked the Sunday afternoons when they would all be gathered in the sitting room, half listening to the radio, half talking about unnecessary things.

He liked all the laughs they shared when somebody said something completely incomprehensible.

He liked the invisible warmth that always seemed to strain out of Miranda or Harold or James whenever they spoke.

He liked the feeling of being included. For the first time in his life he felt as if he had family.

The first few weeks Severus spent the nights in the guest room. Even though James lingered for him to come and sleep in his room. And after a while Severus had to give in, he felt rather stiff lying in bed together with James, and he had trouble falling asleep the first nights.

But as the nights went by he relaxed and stopped imagining Miranda or Harold to walk in on them spooning in their sleep, it would not happen.

A little more than a month of the summer break had gone by, Severus woke up by the sound of an owl which was patting the window harshly with its beak. He sat up in bed and looked around, dazed and confused. Then he stumbled out of bed, leaned over James' writing desk and opened the window.

The owl flew into the room, circled over Severus' head for a while and then landed on the desk. It snapped angrily at Severus' hand when he untied the little envelope from its foot. It had probably been standing outside the window, waiting for one of them to wake up for a while.

Severus gently pushed his glass of water from the night before closer to the owl on the desk, and it began to drink greedily. When it was finished it spread its wings again and after giving Severus another bitter look it flew off through the window.

"Why on earth are you up so early?" James moaned from underneath the bedcovers.

"I've got mail", Severus said. The envelope said his name and James' address.

"What?" James stuck his head out of the covers. "Who would write to you?"

Severus raised his eyebrows at James.

"Shit, sorry mate, don't know what I'm saying", James hit himself on the head. "Really, you shouldn't try to talk to me in the morning. What I meant was; Who knows you're here?"

"No idea", Severus looked down at his name on the envelope. His brain was slowly waking up from its sleepy state and he began to feel worried.

"Aren't you gonna open it?" James was peering at him from the bed, his white skin and his black hair looked beautiful in the morning sunshine.

Severus sat down next to him on the bed and James began to stroke his back gently with his fingertips as Severus opened the envelope and unfolded the letter inside.

He read it slowly.

"What is it? What does it say?" James asked.

"It's from the Ministry of Magic", Severus said when he finished reading.

"What the fudge? What do they want?"

"They want me to contact the County Council at Spinners End, why would they want to get hold of me?" He looked down at James who also seemed to wake up. He rubbed his forehead and looked as surprised as Severus felt.

"No idea", he said. "So are you gonna write to them today then? Is there an address there?"

"No, there's a phone number", Severus said looking back at the letter.

"A what?" James asked.

"Oh, never mind", Severus said. "I'm gonna have to go into Brighton today."

"Fine", James looked worried as Severus got out of bed again and began to put on his muggle clothes. "Hey, do you think everything's okay?"

"No", Severus answered.

_Harold Potter, best name I made up so far ^^_

_Love_

_Apfel_


	16. Chapter 16

_**July 18, 1976**_

There was a few kilometres to the muggle part of Brighton. James had taken Severus to the wizard areas in the city, the ones that where magically concealed from muggles, like Diagon Alley in London. But as Severus now needed to get to a telephone they would have to go into the city where the muggles where.

This made both Severus and James rather nervous. Severus because he had bad experiences of muggles, not that he was a racist, he just preferred not being around muggles. And James because he did not know anything about muggles, had probably never spoken to one, all he knew was that they thought magic did not exist.

Severus felt awkward in his father's old blue jeans. They had been far too big for him before he put a shrinking spell on them. Now at least they were the right size, but they were stiff and hard and uncomfortable and he missed his wizard clothes already. His old black hoodie felt like a failed replica of a cloak, and he bitterly put the hood up over his head.

"I kinda like these clothes", James said as they were walking along the path between the fields which lead to Brighton. He was wearing a pair of gray jeans and a blue shirt which his father had in a box in the cellar for "emergency dress-ups".

"I hope you're joking", Severus said in a disliking tone.

"No, honestly, don't you ever think wizard clothes get too hot in the summer?"

"No", Severus muttered.

"And they're so flexible as well, I feel like climbing a mountain in these trousers. And they feel like they would never get worn."

"Oh, they do get worn, believe me", Severus said thinking about all the torn pairs of jeans he had got from Tobias.

It was a nice day, the heat wave had eventually gone away and they both enjoyed every moment of the cool winds that swept in from the sea.

The way into Brighton was not really that long, and as the weather was good they both decided it would be silly to use a portkey, and they would enjoy getting away from James' house for a day.

They walked merrily in the small country road which was surrounded by green and yellow fields which reached far in every direction. They passed herds of sheep in more than one of the fields, all shaved naked for the summer, they looked harmonic as they quietly walked around in their fields.

The walk made Severus feel happy. He loved summer, he loved walking through places he had never seen before, and he loved spending time with James. He had not felt this satisfied in a long time.

When they came closer to Brighton his happiness ceased slightly. After the long walk in the fields the smell of cars and the sound of traffic struck his senses as the most horrible thing he had ever felt or heard.

"Okay", James said slowly as they stopped at a zebra crossing. The nervousness in his eyes penetrated the shining excitement that usually radiated out of them. "I'm completely lost in this part of Brighton", he turned to Severus. "Where are we going?"

Severus looked around, looking for a telephone booth, he could not see any. It seemed very typical that normally telephone booths would be wherever you look, but when you actually needed one they were all gone. Magically. Severus found himself smiling a little at his own thought before he turned back to James.

"We're looking for a telephone booth", he said. "It's bright red and says telephone at the top."

"That was a very bad explanation, mate", James said as they crossed the street and began to walk towards the centre of the city. "You should tell me like size and shape and stuff, now I might just walk passed it because you didn't explain properly what a telephone booth looks..."

"Hey", Severus interrupted James when they rounded a corner. "_Mate_, I didn't explain it further because I knew I'd find one in about thirty seconds - And I was right." He pointed at a red telephone booth a bit further up in the street they were walking.

"Ooh," James said, rather fascinated. "So that's a telephone booth."

"Yep, strikingly beautiful, isn't it?" Severus said.

"I can't wait to get in", James said in a pretend exaggerated excitement.

Severus opened the door and stepped inside the booth.

Ever since he was a child he had always thought that telephone booths had a very peculiar smell. And even though the smell was not as strong in every booth there was always the same kind of smell.

A smell that he could not explain, a rubbery, muggely kind of smell, in his mind it looked similar to a colour he could not explain, or a word, or a feeling. As he now stepped inside it felt as if he had almost forgotten about this smell, and that it reminded him so strongly about his life in the muggle world. And it made his skin creep.

"So how does this thingy work?" James asked, his body was leaned against the opened door, his arms crossed over his chest, and his eyebrows raised in confusion as he looked at the telephone and the buttons.

Severus looked at him and he suddenly felt so happy he had James, he honestly did not know what he would have done without him. He got an impulse to lean forward and kiss him, but resisted. _Never when we're not alone. Never._

"Well", he said and got the letter from the Ministry of Magic, and some muggle coins, out of his pockets. He lifted the phone and held it between his shoulder and head as he put the coins in and dialed the number. Then he took the phone and listened to the sharp beeps which felt unfamiliar as he had not heard them in ages.

"Spinners End, County Council, this is Lukas Shepherd speaking", a throaty voice said. Severus took a deep breath before he spoke.

"Hello, my name is Severs Snape, my parents live at Spinners End, I have been asked to contact you."

"Ah, Snape", the man said, more to himself than to Severus. "Just hold for a moment, please."

"Okay", Severus said but realised the man had already gone.

He turned to James, who now really looked excited.

"Are you actually speaking to a human in that box?" he asked.

"Well", Severus answered. "I'm not sure I'd call them human."

James looked confused.

"Nah, I'm joking, it is a human", Severus said. "But he's not very pleasant to speak to, actually, formal telephone conversations are rarely pleasant, at least according to my experiences."

"Ah", James said slowly. "Why is that?"

"Why? I don't know, it just is."

A click was heard in the telephone and the man's hoarseish voice was back.

"Mr Snape, are you still there?"

"Yes, I'm here."

"So you're parents names are Elaine and Tobias Snape, is that right?"

"Yes."

"And you currently live at a boarding school?"

"Yes."

The man was quiet for a few seconds and Severus could hear papers rustle.

"Mr Snape, I am very sorry to say this but your mother was found dead in your house last week, and we have not been able to get hold of your father. And in Elaine's will she legates everything she owns to you. That means you own the house, but as you are under age you are not allowed to live there by yourself. We could let an estate agent have a look at it for you if you would..."

"I don't want to sell it", Severus interrupted quickly.

"I see", the man said, he seemed more like a robot for every word he said. "If you'd like it we could let it out for you, because it would be too much of a cost to keep it empty."

"Yes... Yes, let it out. That's fine. But not for too long. A year, let it out for one year."

"One year", the man said. "I'll write that down. Well, mr Snape, then I must just ask you to remove all your personal belongings from the house within two months, and then I'll contact you when we find a renter."

"Okay."

"By the way, have you got a telephone number to your school? It's been hard to find..."

Severus hung up the phone. He did not know why, neither did he know why he did not want to sell the house, he hated that house, it contained too many horrible memories. He felt as if his brain was melting, he could not understand his own thought, as if they were suddenly in a strange language.

Suddenly he felt James' hand on his shoulder.

"Dude, you look kinda green.." James' voice sounded different. "What happened to you? Is it the telephone that did this?"

"I'm all right", Severus heard himself say. "Elaine's dead."

The silence that rose around the telephone booth after his words felt somehow peaceful. It was as if he understood the meaning of the words first when they came from his own vocal chords. Elaine was dead. She was really dead.

Severus hardly noticed that James stepped into the booth and the door shut behind him. He suddenly realised he was being embraced by James inside the small cube, he could not determine for how long they stood in there. He did not feel like crying. The strongest emotion he could feel was gratefulness. He was more grateful than ever that he had James.

_Not been in a writing mood in... How many months is it? Well, sorry about that_

_Love Apfel_


	17. Chapter 17

_**July 25, 1976**_

Severus was standing on the doorstep of his parents' house. It seemed like a hundred years had passed since he last saw this house, and he did not feel happy to see it again. It looked a lot smaller than it did in his memory. And shaggier.

The ruthless heat had found its way back to England and seemed to do everything it could to make this summer hotter than hell.

Severus wished that James' parents had not come. He knew they only wanted to support him, but he felt awkward with them standing behind him as he got his key out and opened the door.

James was standing as close as they dared in front of his parents. Almost touching but not quite. Severus wished he could have held his hand as the door whined loudly when it opened. He felt faint.

He had not felt like crying since he received the news about Eileens death. Something seemed to be broken inside him. Some kind of emotion which was supposed to engage crying, but all Severus could feel was hollowness. And some kind of pressure against his chest.

"Well", he said slowly and turned around to face James' parents. "This is it. I guess I'm just gonna get some stuff out of my room."

Miranda's eyes were shiny, and her face pale. She put a hand on Severus' shoulder and stroked her thumb gently towards the fabric of his clothes.

"Do you want us to leave for a while?" she asked, as if she had read his mind.

"If you don't mind", Severus said with a tiny smile. "It's just so overwhelming."

"I see", Miranda nodded, then she stepped closer and embraced Severus in a way that made his heart ache, he had never realised that so much love radiate out of one single person. "We'll be back in a while." Before she leaned away from Severus, she lifted her hands to his face, and stroked a strip of black hair away from his eyes. It was the most tender gesture Severus had received. He could not remember Eileen ever doing something like that.

"See you later, son" Harold said as his right hand hugged Severus' shoulder. Then Mr. and Mrs. Potter went out the door and left Severus and James alone.

The silence they left behind was peaceful and unpleasant at the same time. Severus was standing in the middle of the narrow hallway and looked in front of him at the corner which led to the sitting room. Which was where he had last seen Tobias lying in a puddle of blood.

He felt James' fingers slowly touching his hand, and braiding themselves together with his fingers.

"I'm here with you", James' voice sounded soft and clear like a raindrop. Suddenly Severus realised that James was more alike his mother than one might see. He turned his face and looked at him, and by looking into his eyes he felt more as if he was looking into his brain, and in there he saw Miranda's warm and loving tenderness.

"Thank you", Severus said slowly, he leaned closer and kissed James lightly. Then he walked further into the house. He felt his heart pounding harder and harder as he approached the corner.

When he rounded it, it seemed like the floor had gotten awfully soft, and his feet were sinking into it. He looked in front of him at the spot where Tobias had lain. The blood. The screaming. The fear. The hatred. It was all there. As if it had never stopped happening. As if it was a scratched record repeating the same sound over and over again.

_"Get out of here!" _His father's voice echoed in his head. Before Severus knew it his knees had bent themselves and he was sitting on the floor, leaned to James who still held his hand. He was covered in sweat.

That was when he felt the tears started running down his cheeks.

"She loved him. She really loved him. And that made her kill herself."

Suddenly it was obvious to him. Eileen had always loved Tobias. And when Severus looked back at his early childhood blurry memories flashed passed his eyes.

Memories of Tobias smiling, pushing Severus on a swing, letting him ride on his shoulders or helping him carve a wooden toy boat.

Those memories where faint and distant, Severus had now known they even existed until now, as if they had been put away in a drawer hidden somewhere in the cellar.

But now it seemed clear what Eileen had seen in her husband, that warmth and joy which Severus could hardly remember.

When she told Tobias about her being a witch, and the fact that Severus showed signs of magic as a toddler made envy and horror take over his heart.

For Severus understood now that Tobias had been jealous. Jealous of the magical bond between himself and his mother. Something which Tobias was not a part of and could not share.

Eileen had hoped and believed that Tobias would find his way back to the tender and caring person he once was, and make peace with the fact that his family were wizards. But his fear and anger had just increased and in the end he left her.

When she realised that her one true love had abandoned her for good she gave up. She swallowed twenty-six valiums and lay down in the tub. It was a clean and quiet suicide, no blood, no mess, typical for women.

The fact that she chose to kill herself without using magic was her last silent wish to make Tobias happy. Something she had failed to do ever since she told him about her magic.

Deep down in his mind Severus knew that Eileen had not been well. He did not know what it was but somehow she always seemed weak, as if she was carrying an invisible rucksack which got heavier and heavier as time went on.

She had always protected Tobias, even when he hurt her. Her love for him had blindfolded her and led her down a road which in the end led to her own grave.

Severus could not be mad at her, even though he felt that he had the right to be. Instead he felt sorry for her.

She had been a teenager when she met Tobias and got pregnant. Not much older than he was now.

"It's okay", James whispered slowly as he stroked Severus hair. Severus seemed to have run out of tears eventually. He closed his eyes as he felt James' hand wipe away the wetness from his cheeks. Then he took a deep breath and opened his eyes.

"I love you", he said and looked into James' brown eyes which also where lined with tears.

"I love you too." They kissed softly, whereupon they helped each other to stand up.

"I want my books. The rest is rubbish really", Severus said as he looked around the dusty room.

"Mum and dad will clear it up in no time."

It took Severus about five minutes to go through what he wanted to keep of the things in hi old bedroom. It was not much. Just books. And notes.

Miranda and Harold disapparated all his books to their house, and then they cleaned the whole house up. When they finished Severus could hardly recognise it. It actually had a pretty cosy look to it. It would probably be rentable.

When they got back to Brighton it was way past dinner time and Severus did not feel hungry. He thanked Miranda and Harold again for their help and kindness, and then he went up to the guest room.

He slid out of his clothes and lay down beneath the covers. He lay on his back and looked up at the ceiling, the room was dark but not pitch black.

He got the feeling being a child and waking up in the middle of the night and looking at the room in that grainy kind of darkness which was scary but at the same time mystical.

He did not know if it was a memory or just a feeling. But it was strange, he could not decide whether he felt happy or sad. He felt nothing really.

He could hear the muted sound of voices from downstairs where James and his parents were talking quietly to each other in front of the fire place. He felt small. And he liked that feeling.

Very slowly he drifted off into a dreamless sleep. He did not wake up when James carefully lay down next to him and drew his arms around him. But somewhere in his mind he felt safe.

_Okay, I know I haven't written in more than a year. But I've been focusing on my art. Er, yes, I'm an artist. And I would LOVE it if any of you guys like art, and might want to like my facebook page. Pleeeaase do! I love it when people like what I do. Just check it out, will you? Pretty please? The link is on my profile._

_Love_

_Apfel_


	18. Chapter 18

_August 1st, 1980 _ -_Severus is 20-_

Everything had gone wrong. So horribly wrong. Severus heart ached as soon as he thought about it. And despite that, his brain seemed unable to think of anything else.

He was sat down on the floor, in a corner, his knees were drawn up against his chin, and his cheek rested against the cold wall.

He was surrounded by dark and heavy stone. The floor, the walls and the ceiling. The coolness and dampness made the chaos inside him calm down a tinby stone floor felt as hard and cold as himself.

The dungeons. It seemed as if he would take one step out of here he would explode. He was actually afraid someone would come down and find him, because he could kill that person. He was filled with an energy that was so built up inside him it was too much. He could not handle it.

He had been crying for hours, until his throat was all clogged up and he fainted because of suffocation. He had screamed until his vocal chords would not make another sound.

He had tried starving, he had tried not sleeping. He even performed sectum sempra on himself. It did not work. Nothing worked. His body had actually looked rather healthy after that summer. In 1976. The summer that he spent with James. He had gained a lot of weight and got some of the yellowish tones out of his skin.

Now he knew he looked worse than ever. There was no mirror in the room, if it were, he would probably have broken it and then used the pieces to cut himself. His body was covered in scars, he was gravely underweight and his hair was dead and greasy.

His mind replayed Voldemorts words over and over. Every time a little bit slower. Just to make it a little bit more painful.

"_Lily and James Potter's child must die."_

_September 24th, 1976 _ _ -Severus is 16-_

"I think mr Snape has a good influence on your theoretical studying, mr Potter", professor McGonagall sounded pleased when she walked passed James' desk after they all got their latest transfiguration essay back. You'll surely be an auror before we know it."

James' face burst into a wide and genuine smile when he received the pile of parchments. He turned to Severus.

"Did you hear that?" He said happily. "I'll be an auror."

"And it's because of me, wooh..", Severus replied.

"I'm gonna be an auror as well", Black said from his seat behind them. "I got an E!"

"Me too! Way to go, man!" James highfived Black.

"I don't think you guys realise how dangerous this profession is", Lupin said from his seat next to Black. "But I suppose it's a good choice of career, we need more aurors these days."

That was true. The wizarding war had been going on for years, but it seemed as if it had just reached some kind of peak.

Voldemort's death eaters were growing in number quickly. Every week there was something in the newspapers about killings or disappearances or tortures. It was always death eaters behind it.

Even in the muggle world people were killed or disappeared. This war had started off lightly but during the past years gained power to turn the whole world into a blood bath.

"You want to be an auror too, right, Remus?" Black asked. "You haven't changed your mind?"

"No, I want to be an auror", Lupin replied. "I want to contribute to saving society and all that. I just don't know weather…" He interrupted himself when he saw the grade on the last page of his essay. "I got an E?! What did I do wrong?" He cried.

"Hey", Potter said in a lecturing tone. "I got E. And I'm not crying about it. Also professor McGonagall said I'll be an auror so you should be too, you're grades are usually even better than mine."

"Yeah but look", Lupin said, looking unpleased. "I'm not in the same condition as any of you guys to become an auror. Intellectually, yes. Physically, no. And also, my allergy is gonna be a massive problem."

James and Black nodded quietly and looked at each other. Pettigrew looked confused as always.

"What allergy?" He asked, he had not even looked through his essay.

"How many times do we have to tell you something before you remember it?" Black said and looked annoyed at Pettigrew.

"Oh, I see", suddenly Pettigrew remembered. "Your aaaallerigyyyy." He looked at Lupin as he articulated the last word in an unnecessary way.

Lupin looked from Pettigrew to his paper, with the same disliking expression.

Severus glanced at them. It was obvious that Lupins allergy was made up, to cover for something else.

Severus knew what it was. At least he was almost positive. He had suspected for quite some time that Lupin was a werwolf. Even though James had never told him about it it was rather obvious.

Lupin seemed to be ill for one or two days every month, and when he came back to classes he would look worn out. These occasions where always when it was full moon. It could not be a coincidence.

Also, James had told Severus that he was an animagus. Severus had even seen him turn himself into a stag. It was a beautiful transformation, and Severus was impressed that James had managed it as it required quite a bit of reading.

But it was a major secret. As Severus had overheard a conversation between Black, James and Pettigrew a few years earlier when they where planning on becoming animagi, he just assumed Black had managed as well. To keep Lupin company during the nights when he transformed.

He doubted if Pettigrew had managed to make himself an animagus. He seemed too dumb.

"What did you get, Sev? O as usual?" James lifted Severus pile of parchments, which was remarkably thicker than everyone else's.

"Hey, don't look", Severus felt embarrassed. He did not want to brag about his grades. Especially not in front of Balck, he still did not seem to like him a lot.

"Oh come on, let me see", James laughed and tried to reach Severus' essay and Severus held it out of reach.

"You guys are behaving like kids", Black said bitterly.

"If you would all listen up for a few moments, please", professor McGonagall's voice made them all focus their attention to her. "Now, most of you got very good results on this essay, but remember that this is just a preparation of what is coming next year. You should look through my notes and see what you can improve on. Remember, theory is as important as practicing when it comes to transfiguration. You can leave now."

"I felt like she was looking at me when she said that about 'theory is more important than practicing'" James tried to imitate McGonagalls voice when they walked through the corridor towards the Great Hall.

"You too? I was sure she was staring at me", Black said.

When they entered the Great Hall Severus said goodbye to the Gryffindor boys and went to sit at the Slytherin table. He did not mind eating alone, he kind of liked it actually.

These days James would always sit with him in the classes they had together, which was nice, but Severus enjoyed privacy as well. It was a fine line between too much privacy and not enough.

The Great Hall always had a warm and cosy atmosphere to it. The sounds of young people talking and laughing.

Severus had a bad feeling. There was a war going on outside. Did nobody else know that? Certainly they must know about it. Everyone did. But when he looked around people seemed happier than ever. As if they did not know.

It seemed ignorant, Severus thought. He did not know what could be done about it from here though. But at least they could acknowledge it.

When he was looking around he caught sight of Lily who was sitting at the Gryffindor table. She was writing in a hectic way and trying to drink from her cup at the same time. Nobody was sitting with her. She was surrounded by piles of books and parchments. She was probably going through her transfiguration essay.

Lily had gotten unhealthily skinny since their last semester. She used to have a very feminine body shape, Severus had noticed when they had hung out in the summers and she had been wearing tight muggle clothes. She used to have curves.

Now she was practically flat chested, and her hips were not much wider than Severus'. Her cheeks were hollow, she looked a lot older than sixteen.

Lily and Severus did not speak to each other. Severus was still hurt because of the way she had tried to break him and James up last semester. But to the students who had been there when James attacked Severus, and heard him call her a filthy mudblood, Severus was the bad guy.

Which was not strange at all. It was a nasty thing to say and he regretted it bitterly. It just made him as immature as she had been.

Suddenly Lily looked up from her papers and looked right at him. They looked at each other for a few seconds. Then Severus tried to smile. He thought he could see a faint smile on Lilys face as well.

"Hey Snape", the way Regulus Black called him by his surname was respectable. Not arrogant, like Avery.

"Hi", Severus said and looked at Regulus who sat down next to him. When he looked back at Lily, she had gone back to writing.

"So we're still on for tonight?" Regulus said in a quieter tone.

Severus sighed inside.

"Sure, same time as usual", he said.

At least the purebloods, who were slightly racist against muggleborns, liked him. In fact, most of them idolised him.

The Dark Arts club which Avery had started had gotten sixteen members, excluding the ones who graduated last year. Thirteen boys and three girls. Most of them were Slytherins, a handful of Ravenclaws and two Gryffindors.

Severus hated it. He had never realised when it got so serious. At the beginning it was just him earning money because Avery, Crabbe and Goyle would not study on their own. And it had been fun in a way to teach.

They told him he was a good teacher. And he must be. Because the level of Dark Arts they performed increased. Severus had tried to quit. As soon as he got back from the summer break he told Avery he did not want to do this anymore.

Avery had threatened to kill James if he quit. And he would do it without doubt. He was mad enough to kill someone. Severus hands were figuratively tied. He had to keep teaching the students how to kill, torture or manipulate people.

He did not want to be a part of it, kept telling himself that he technically did not do anything wrong. He was just a teacher. He only did what they asked for. He would never kill or harm anyone… He just taught others how to do it.

"I wish Sirius would join us", Regulus said, more directed to the food on his plate than to Severus.

"You can't tell him though", Severus said nervously. "He would never join anyway."

"I know that", Regulus looked bitter.

Suddenly Avery walked up behind them. Severus had noticed that Avery was already a death eater. He was not very good at concealing the dark mark on his wrist. At least to the people in their Dark Arts club. It made Severus even more disgusted by the fact that he was teaching Avery.

"Snape, Black", he nodded at them with his condescending facial expression. "Just wanted to make sure we'll meet tonight as usual?"

"Yes", Severus said and felt like an answering machine. "As usual."

"Good." Avery said and walked away. Regulus looked after him.

"I don't like him", he said when Avery had gone out of hearing distance.

"Me neither", Severus said.

"At least he graduates next year."

"Yeah", Severus said. _With him gone, who's gonna threaten to kill James if I quit teaching? _It was a tiny glimpse of hope that he would not be teaching Dark Arts at least for his last year at Hogwarts. But it was only September and the semester had just started.

_Next day_

"I hate the fact that we can't sleep together anymore", James said as they walked down the path which led to the Quidditch pitch.

"Me too", Severus said. He resisted the impulse to grab James' hand as they walked. Never. Never show affection in public.

He would still read muggle newspapers from time to time. More than once he had come across something about HIV being the gay plague, and that homosexuals were sex-addicts who lacked self control, or priests preaching that they deserved to die from aids.

James did not know about all this. Homosexuality seemed to be non existing in the wizarding world. Which may be better in a way. Or was it? Severus was not sure what to think.

"So how did it go with your little fanclub last night?" James asked. He thought Severus was just helping a bunch of boys with their homework. And that it was too basic for him to join.

"It went well, I guess", Severus said. "It's boring though, I'd rather be with you."

"Aw, Sevvie", James said when they rounded the Quidditch pitch and walked towards the boys' changing rooms. "You know, maybe it's good that you've got those home work helping meetings and I've got my Quidditch training. Otherwise we would hang out constantly and maybe get tired of each other." He opened the door to the changing rooms and they both stepped inside. "Or get tired of never getting to have sex." James added when he saw that the room was empty.

"You've got a point", Severus said and sat on a bench as James started to strip off his clothes. "Why do you have to be a Gryffindor? If you were in Slytherin we could have sex in my dormitory almost all the time."

"Hey, you're not a proper Slytherin though, you're not evil. You should be in Gryffindor." James was now only dressed in underwear, and he playfully whipped Severus' legs with his scarf.

"Oh I'm evil alright", Severus answered and caught hold of James' scarf and pulled him closer. James was actually a lot stronger but now he pretended not to, and let himself be reeled in by Severus. "I'm just very good at hiding it…" Severus whispered before their lips met.

James put his legs on each side of Severus and started to undress him as well, while kissing his neck.

"What if someone walks in", Severus mumbled.

"Then I was teaching you how to be evil. Naughty, like you're supposed to be, Slytherin", when James tried dirty talking he was always close to laughter. Severus found that incredibly charming.

He could feel how James was fully erect underneath the fabric of his underwear, and his mind was forced away from worrying about someone walking in. He grabbed James' body and pressed himself against him.

"That's what I mean, Slytherin. Let's see if you can make me scream…" James laughed at the end of the sentence, and he made Saverus laugh as well.

"I love you, James", Severus said as his hands slowly found their way inside James' underwear.

"I love you too, Sev."

When Severus helped James with his Quidditch training, he would sit on one of the audience stands and make a quaffle fly in tricky patterns across the field. James would be on his broomstick, trying to catch it. It had proved to be a very effective training technique.

Severus liked it because he got to challenge himself in how well he could control the quaffle, and he got to watch James' concentrated face when he was on his broomstick. And also they would have sex in the changing rooms before or after, or both, if nobody else was around.

_Later_

Severus had gone up to the library when they got back to the castle. James had detention in the astronomy tower. Apparently he had been telling a prediction about all people in the world turning bold after eating too much sugar.

It had been meant as a joke and Severus was quite used to James' humour these days, so he could se the comic in it. Unfortunately the girls in James' Divination class did not find it as amusing. As he described it he made two girls cry because "they were stupid enough to think I can see the future".

Severus was on his way back from the library when he heard voices in the trophy room. He was going to ignore them and keep walking, but then a blonde Ravenclaw girl stumbled out, giggling. She was about to fall to the floor when Severus caught her.

"Oopsy", she giggled and tried to keep herself standing while leaning on Severus. "Why are you lying down, Snape? You should be standing… Oh, wait…"

"Lavinia, you're drunk. Go home", Sirius Black sounded as drunk as Lavinia. And when he came stumbling out of the room Severus could establish that they were both wasted.

"Pardon me, Black", Lavinia left Severus and went to lean on Black. "But you were the one who brought alcohol tonight. Not me. If you excuse me I need my beautysleep." She started to walk through the corridor as if it was a ship in the middle of a storm.

Black looked after her with his gaze unfocused. When she rounded a corner he turned to Severus.

"Damn", he said. "I thought I'd get laid." He looked as if the world had ended.

"Sorry, man", Severus said, he had no idea what to do.

"Hey, I've got some gin left, you want some?"

"Gin? Seriously, I think you've had enough. You should go to bed."

"Oh, come on, don't be such a pussy", Black grabbed Severus and brought him into the Trophy room. He sat down with his back against the wall. Severus remained standing.

"Now where did I put that bottle…?" Black started to crawl around on the floor, looking for his bottle of gin.

"Hey", Severus lingered. "You're gonna be in so much trouble if someone finds you like this."

"Well isn't that typical?!" Black exclaimed and threw his dark hair back while looking up at Severus. "You being the little goody boy who makes everyone stop having fun and become boring good boys instead. That's what you did to James, and now it's my turn. But guess what good boy, I don't want your help. You can leave now, more gin for me." He started to crawl around the floor again.

Severus sighed and scratched his head. He supposed he could leave Black there. The worst that could happen was that he fell asleep and woke up in the morning with a headache. But if a teacher found him, would he be expelled? Severus was not familiar with the drinking rules at Hogwarts.

A wolf howled somewhere far away. Severus shivered. He just wanted to go to bed.

"Try and steel Peter instead, although he's already a good boy. Steal Remus, sure you'd like him cause he's a werewolf."

"So he is a werewolf?" Severus said, interested.

"Yeahyeah, he turns into a wolf but he's pretty much tame you know."

"Where does he go though when he transforms? just into the forest?"

"No way! That's dangerous man! We usually hang out all together in the shrieking shack, you know. Hey, you should come join us at some point. It's real easy, you just have to…" Black was about to fall asleep.

"Hey, tell me, I want to know now", Severus bent down and poked Black.

"Yeah, so when you get to the tree, you just poke that little knobby thingy on the trunk and it stops whippin.."

"You mean the whomping willow?"

"Yeah, that's it. You do that and then you just crawl in through the tunnel and it'll lead you straight in."

"And it won't be dangerous?"

"Your mum is dangerous, Snape! Oh, by the way, she's so fat… Oh crap I forgot the rest. Now leave me alone, I want to sleep."

Severus shook his head.

"I can't believe I'm doing this for you, Black." Then he grabbed Black by the wrist and pulled his arm over his shoulders.

He led him through the castle to the Gryffindor tower. He told the password to the Fat lady, and pushed Black inside when she opened up. Then he left to go to bed.

—-

_So I went through my story and realised I've got a number of stupid mistakes. For example I say Elaine instead of Eileen for a whole chapter. And I know Hogwarts is in Scotland and not England. AND I think I mentioned something about that this would be their last year. But as it's 1976 they've got two years left. I feel kinda stupid cause of these mistakes. But never mind. I'll have some gin and forget about it._

_Love_

_Apfel_


	19. Chapter 19

_November 7th, 1976 -Severus is 16-_

The wind howled as it ran its way back and fourth through Scotland. It seemed unable to decide which way to go, but at the same time eager to get places. It made the rain whip hard against the windows of the little pub which was surrounded by fields.

Voldemort was standing with his hands on his back, facing the fireplace. Avery and Nott were standing in the doorway. Lucius Malfoy was standing behind a shabby armchair.

The darkness of the room and the white grainy moonlight that shaded parts of their faces made all of them look ghostlike.

"So this boy has been teaching you Dark Arts?" Voldemort's voice sounded like fingernails against a blackboard. Inhuman.

"Yes, my lord", Avery replied. Nagini slowly creeped in through the open door. She went around the feet of Nott and Avery who seemed slightly nervous because of the snakes presence.

"In other words, he has been teaching you everything you know", Voldemort said without looking up.

"I wouldn't say everything, but a lot, my lord." Avery said. Nott looked at Avery in a disliking way. It was not true.

"Avery", Voldemort stroked the head of Nagini who had wormed her way up to the fireplace. "I don't have much use for liars. And I am wondering why this boy is not here."

"Pardon me my lord, but you would not want him for a death eater", said Avery. "He keeps hanging out with mudbloods and halfbloods..."

"Maybe that is what will make him valuable", Voldemort said.

"I don't think he'll be valuable at all", Avery started. "The guy is a complete wimp..."

"Don't speak against the Dark Lord", hissed Lucius Malfoy and pointed his wand at Avery. Avery made an attempt to reach for his wand but it flew straight out of his reach. Voldemort turned slowly and walked closer to Avery.

"I see that you saw yourself as quite powerful at Hogwarts", he said slowly while Nagini moved her way up his body. "But you're not at school now Avery, I am in charge here." Voldemort was a lot taller than Avery, and Nagini's head had stayed in the same height as Avery's face. Avery could not decide weather to look at the snake or at Voldemort. "And I want this boy. So you shall make him come to me. I want you to bring me Severus Snape."

_Hogwarts_

Severus was in bed. It was late. Or more like very early in the morning. He could hear the faint snores from the other boys' beds. He could not sleep. Even though there were no windows in the room he knew that there was a full moon outside. He had looked it up.

He had been thinking about what Black had said about Lupin being in the Shreeking shack. He felt a little uneasy by the fact that James had not told him about it. Weren't boyfriends supposed to tell each other everything? Although, he kept an even darker secret from James.

Anyway, he did not want to bring it up until James did, but would he ever? When Black told him about it he had casually invited him to join them. As if it would be harmless to walk in while Lupin was transformed. But then Black had been very drunk when he said it.

Severus turned around in bed, closed his eyes and tried to sleep. But the thought of seeing an actual werwolf would not leave his mind. He realised that Pettigrew could not possibly be an animagus. He could not have been able to preform magic as advanced as that. And that meant he would be there as a human. And he would not be harmed by Lupin.

Then it was true what Black said. That Lupin was "trained". Or if he would attack Pettigrew, James and Black would turn themselves into animals and defend him.

Severus could not stay in bed any longer. He decided to go to the Shrieking shack. After all, he was invited to join them. He would just sneak in really quietly and if he changed his mind before they saw him he would just go back home.

Samuel was mumbling in his sleep when Severus put his clothes on. He quickly grabbed his scarf and his robe, tied his shoes. By habit he made sure his wand was safely in his pocket before he put his hand on the door handle. Then he quietly opened the door, went out and closed it behind him.

He walked through the dark dungeons and when he came out into the entrance hall it was bathed in moonlight. The sharp edges of the windows made the hall look like a theatre stage lit up by spotlights.

Severus opened the heavy door and was met by a wave of cold the moment he stepped outside. Winter was early this year. But this part of Scotland (unlike the county were Voldemort and Avery were in at the same moment) was calm and dry.

Still the cold was biting and Severus pulled his scarf tighter around him as he walked across the big lawn. The grass was dressed in frost and it made small crunching sounds when Severus put his feet down.

It was not hard to find his way down to where the Whomping willow was standing. The moonlight made it seem like daytime. Daytime in a Film noir.

He stopped when he came close enough, but where the tree could not to reach him. It moved slowly, cautiously. Like an animal who was waiting for it's target to move closer. Severus could see the small knot near the base which he was supposed to press. He walked around the tree, found a long stick and carefully poked it in the direction of the knot. As soon as the stick was within reach the tree started to move it's branches violently.

After a couple of failed attempts, he managed to press the right spot and the tree became still. He ran up to the base of the tree, he did not know how long he had before it would go mad again. But he found the whole in the ground fast and crawled into it.

As his eyes had gotten used to the light outside the tunnel seemed to be pitch black. He got his wand out and whispered:

"Lumos." The tunnel was awfully long. He could not see the end of it. He took a deep breath and started walking.

When he got into the Shrieking shack he could hear loud noises as if from animals fighting upstairs. He suddenly got a feeling that this had been a very bad idea. It seemed stupid to turn back after all this way, but he feared it would not end well if he stayed.

He was standing at the foot of the staircase when a door on the top floor was slammed open and the werwolf came running out. He had smelled the human presence. Now he was standing in the balcony just above Severus, staring at him with madness radiating from it's eyes, and saliva running from it's mouth.

They stared at each other for a few seconds. Then the wolf jumped down to the floor. The only thought that went through Severus' mind was that he could not defend himself, because whatever he did to this wolf he would be doing to Lupin. And he could not hurt Lupin. He turned around and started running towards the hole in the floor.

But before he reached it Lupin had caught up with him and sunk his claws into Severus' back. Severus was aware that it happened but could not feel any pain at the time because of the shock. The human brain blocks pains of that graveness automatically.

Suddenly the pressure against Severus' back eased, he looked behind him and the wolf was attacked by a stag. He recognised James. Severus didn't stay to watch the fight. He dove into the hole and ran through the tunnel as fast as he could.

When he got out on the other side he completely forgot to push the knot on the tree trunk and was immediately slapped by the Whomping willow. His body was thrown about six feet away. When he landed in the cold and damp grass he rolled even further away to make sure the tree couldn't reach him.

Then he would just lie there, breathing, looking up at the moon, feeling how his heart raced and how the pain in his back started to announce itself.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?!" James sounded mad and terrified at the same time.

Severus tried to stand up but the pain in his back made him stop in a sitting position. It felt as if the claws had penetrated his lungs or heart.

"You could have died in there", James was right in front of him now, and the tone in his voice slowly changed into despair. "Oh my god Severus, you can't die. I would never forgive myself if I let you die." James fell to his knees in front of Severus and put his hands around Severus' face. "How is your back?" James' lips were trembling.

"It's bad", Severus' voice was hoarse, he could taste blood in his mouth. James nodded and seemed to put a lid on top of the panic that was welling up inside him. "Can you walk or should I run for help?"

Severus made a new attempt to stand but the pain made him feel faint.

"I can't walk. Sorry", he said and tried hard not to faint.

"I'll be right back", James said quickly and in less than a second he had turned himself into a stag and galloped away towards the castle.

Severus felt stupid. Even though the ground started to feel very unsteady underneath him he did not want to lie down. He felt as if he deserved the pain. For being stupid enough to look for a werwolf.

He must have fainted anyway. Because when he woke up he was lying in a bed in the hospital. The room was quiet and empty except for James who was sitting on a chair close to the bed. He was sleeping softly with his head and arms leaned on the bed next to Severus.

The sun was about to raise outside. It reflected in James' glasses which were lying on the bedside table. Little dust particles danced slowly in and out of the sun rays.

Severus carefully sat up in bed. He had a large bandage around his chest and back. The pain was still there when he moved but not as bad as before.

He looked down at James' sleeping face which was partly hidden behind his arm. He looked peaceful. And so beautiful. Severus ran his fingers through James' hair. Slowly his eyelids opened a little bit and the brown eyes showed.

"Hey", James whispered.

"Hey", Severus whispered with an excusing smile. "I'm sorry."

"You should be", James said and rubbed his face against the sheet. "You could have been killed. So freakin irresponsible."

"It's interesting to hear you lecture Severus in responsibility, James", They both turned to the door to see professor Dumbledore walk towards them. "Because usually it would be the mere opposite if I'm not mistaking." He smiled when he stood next to the bed.

"Well", James stood up and put his glasses on. "I just wish he would have talked to me first, professor."

"And what would you have told him?" Dumbledore looked interested at James.

"I would have told him not to go of course, but then I think that might have made him want to go. That's why I didn't say anything in the first place. Cause he's too curious to..." James said in a defensive tone.

"Follow the rules", Dumbledore filled in the sentence. "Not unlike another person in this room."

James looked at the floor and the corners of his mouth twitched slightly.

"I'm sorry, professor Dumbledore", Severus apologised. "I should not have gone. It was stupid really. I should have been more responsible."

Dumbledore nodded.

"Curiosity is not a sin", he said and smiled. "And luckily James was there to save you."

"How is Lupin... I mean Remus?" Severus asked. He would feel terribly bad if Lupin was hurt because of him. "Did you have to hurt him a lot?"

"I don't think so", James replied. "But I left as soon as Sirius could control him. Didn't really stay to see how he was doing... I wanted to see you were alright you know."

"That's the spirit", Dumbledore looked happy. "And for your information, Remus is fine as well. I just met him, Sirius and Peter downstairs. He seemed awfully worried about you though."

"Well I'm fine", Severus said and tried to stretch his back. It made it hurt a lot and he sunk down against the pillow.

"I believe you're fine", Dumbledore said and patted Severus' leg. "But you should stay here until the pain has reduced. We don't want you to strain yourself. James, will you join me downstairs for breakfast?"

"Er", James looked at Severus. It was obvious he did not want to leave him.

"I'm fine James, go have breakfast", Severus pretended to shoo James away as if to an animal.

"Fine", James said. For a moment he looked like he would lean over the bed and kiss Severus. But he did not. "I'll come by later, and I'll bring chocolate."

"Great."

"Rest well, Severus", Dumbledore said before him and James left the room together.

_My face got sunburnt yesterday. Today I'll hide it behind my Slytherin scarf._

_Love_

_Apfel_


	20. Chapter 20

_December 24th, 1976_ _-Severus is 16-_

This was the second christmas which Severus spent along with James. The thought of them celebrating every coming christmas together made him smile. As did the thought of them growing old together.

They had been talking about it, or joking mostly, about traveling. To backpack through Europe, and maybe even go to Asia and America. They would have plenty of time.

The christmas spirit seemed to numb all the worry about Voldemort and the wizarding war. After all, Hogwarts was a safe place.

Severus was alone in the Slytherin common room. It was christmas eve and it was late. The dinner had lasted until close to midnight and now he watched the hands of the clockwork as it turned twelve. It was christmas day.

James had invited him to the Gryffindor tower, but Severus had declined. He felt a tiny bit sorry for Black. He could understand that he was feeling left out. And after all, James and Severus were a couple, they must be allowed to have best friends. Because you could not be best friends with your boyfriend. Or was that possible?

Severus thought about it. He could never replace Black as James' best friend. That was impossible. Black was the mischievous guy friend that Severus could never be.

He was reading a book about potions. Potions was his second favorite subject after Defense against the dark arts.

He was thinking about what had happened last year at this time. When he had been penetrated by James for the first time. It felt as if he had penetrated his heart and soul rather than his body. And he was still there. Inside him. Always.

Severus looked into the fire that was burning peacefully in front of him. Suddenly the flames shot up higher and turned green. Severus stood up in alarm.

Out of the flames stepped Isaac Avery. Severus felt his heart drop like a stone inside his chest when he saw Avery. He had been gone from time to time throughout the whole semester, and as Severus suspected the Dark Arts club meetings where not as strict when he was not around. He had even skipped a few meetings with no reason. People were disappointed but nobody was mad enough as Avery to threaten Severus.

Since the beginning of November Severus had received letters from Avery. He wrote that they needed to talk in person, that it was highly important. Severus had ignored the letters.

Now Avery was standing in front of him in the quiet room. He looked mad.

"Snape", he said.

"Merry christmas to you too", Severus replied cooly. Avery made a disliking face and started to walk slowly around the room.

"I have joined the Dark Lord", he said in a quiet but clear voice.

"I know", Severus said, staying in the same place, following Avery with his gaze.

"He is interested in the things I know about dark arts", Avery stopped with his back towards Severus.

"Isn't that what you wanted?" Severus said.

"Yes", Avery answered. "But he says he wants to meet the person who taught me."

"Me?" Severus was surprised.

"Yes", Avery turned around to face Severus. He looked angry. "You."

Silence lay between them for a few seconds. Then Avery kept talking.

"Not that I can see what he would need you for", he said. "You're clever, I give you that. But you don't have what it takes to be a death eater." He stood close in front of Severus and his eyes narrowed as he spoke.

"I know", Severus said honestly. "Why would he want me?"

Averys facial expression did not change. He shrugged.

"Ask him when we get there", he said before he walked passed Severus and stopped in front of the fire. He got a handful of floo powder out of his pocket and reached his hand out to Severus.

"We're meeting him in Knockturn Alley."

Severus looked from Averys face to the powder in his hand. He should have known this was coming. He could not please everyone anymore. He would have to decide. Now.

"I won't come", he said. Avery lowered his hand and tilted his head slightly. Somewhere beneath the strained face Severus could glimpse the trace of a smile.

"It's a bad decision, Snape", he said.

"I don't care, I don't want to join the Dark Lord."

"Suit yourself then", Avery said before he threw the floo powder into the fire and disappeared inside it.

Severus was alone again. He had a bad feeling about this. If Voldemort wanted him he would probably not let himself be stopped by Avery not being able to persuade him. What would he do then? He could not force him to join.

Maybe he would use the imperio spell to make him join against his will. But according to what Severus had read about imperio it slightly reduced the victims brain activity. And it was his brain that he wanted. Right? Why else would he want Severus? It did not make sense. Severus was as far from a death eater as possible. He liked dark arts but only on a theoretical level.

He sighed and sat down on the armchair again. This was bad.

_Love_

_Apfel_


End file.
